Anonymous wrote:Why not wait a few years, get your career on track, and then go for it. He's never home, how bad can it be? Outsource as much as you can in the meantime and let him pay for it.

Exactly. Op sounds like a drama queen.

Why not wait a few years, get your career on track, and then go for it. He's never home, how bad can it be? Outsource as much as you can in the meantime and let him pay for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fair is gonna be 50 50.

Correct answer. Marital assets are split. Custody is also split. Because his income is higher than yours, he will pay some child support, but not very much, since it's 50/50 custody and the CS is a formula.
Forget about alimony it's not the 19th century! Women have full time jobs and support themselves.
What exactly are you contesting?

If she hasn't been working she'd be entitled to some alimony.

My/our life was impossible to continue in the marriage, but though my home is at least mostly peaceful and safe now, a lot of damage was done to me and my kids and I'm responsible for dealing with all of it.

My divorce cost around 200K including multiple parenting assessments. There's no way I would have survived staying in the marriage, things had escalated to the place of emergency protection orders. But if there's any way your marriage is survivable I really don't know you'll be happier getting out of it. Maybe happier for a time, but things won't be all that much better if there's kids involved. If you and them are decently safe I suggest riding it out while saving some secret money for lawyers. Find other ways to support yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how contentious and whether you have kids. Your numbers sound really low for a contested divorce.

How much did it cost you? We have three kids. He doesn’t want to get divorced. So contentious in that he said “if you do this I will make sure you get nothing”. Which I mean he can’t do that because we have no prenup and we have kids but that gives you an idea of his mindset.

The good thing is he doesn’t get to decide. But you need to file first, because if he is onto you and starts hiding money it will be harder.

Anonymous wrote:Fair is gonna be 50 50.

Correct answer. Marital assets are split. Custody is also split. Because his income is higher than yours, he will pay some child support, but not very much, since it's 50/50 custody and the CS is a formula.
Forget about alimony it's not the 19th century! Women have full time jobs and support themselves.
What exactly are you contesting?

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have your reasons for divorcing your spouse after 20 years. My guess is that you are sick of being treated like a nanny bangmaid and would like something better for the rest of your life.

Your spouse is in denial, likely because everything has been working out just great for him this whole time and if it’s fine for him, it must be fine for everyone. It’s a selfish mindset but I’m guessing that’s part of why you’re divorcing him in the first place.

Wow. np

This is the crux of the matter in marriage and household.
In fact, He just said everything was so great last year, and it’s because no one talked to him or asked anything of him for months! We were trying to avoid his rages. So let him to himself to work and watch tv and ignore us.
He basically lives in this house as if he has no wife, kids or responsibilities.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have your reasons for divorcing your spouse after 20 years. My guess is that you are sick of being treated like a nanny bangmaid and would like something better for the rest of your life. Your spouse is in denial, likely because everything has been working out just great for him this whole time and if it’s fine for him, it must be fine for everyone. It’s a selfish mindset but I’m guessing that’s part of why you’re divorcing him in the first place.

I would have a come to Jesus moment with him, preferably with a third party, and make abundantly clear to him that the marriage is over, it cannot be saved, and all he can hope to salvage now is a decent co-parenting relationship and a fair split of the marital assets. Whatever happens next in court and among the family dynamics is up to him, but his cozy situation from the last 20 years is over.

You can let him know you’ll be taking his lead, and as the lesser earning partner you will be asking the court to order him to pay the fees if he decides to go scorched earth. Then give him some time to sit with that, according to whatever separation plan your lawyer has blessed. That means getting out or getting him out, and starting to put your custody arrangement in place. If you can’t afford to do this without him paying you’re not ready.

So very, very true.

And likely brought up many times over the years. Now it’s the straw that broke the camels back.

DP

In response to the person who said read Tina Swithin.

I’ll look her up. I slowed down the divorce until I was prepared, good and ready. After 15 years, I didn’t feel the need to match the pace of my husbands rush. I ended up doing the paper work myself. The strategy worked for me. It was contested. I am proud of the outcome.

Lawyer were marginally helpful. It was not rocket science

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Overall I am fine with 50/50 of the marital assets. But he can’t take 50% custody with his job. He is literally never home. He would have to hire a nanny. He would likely only take the kids on weekends/maybe one weeknight a week if he could swing it (but I doubt he would even want to). So it’s likely going to be 70/30 situation. Don’t get me wrong-I’d love if he would take 50 but he won’t. I will go back to work full time. But it will take me a lot longer to move up in my career now since it was always me having to “be flexible”. And I’m done. So yes-I want some short term alimony for giving up my career possibilities for his. We have been married 20 years.

Offer him 50/50 on paper and he’ll like do 70-80 as he continues to focus on his job, travel and dating. Unf you won’t get the child support for that but keep an excel sheet of kids needs and purchases and each pay pro rata. Camp, gear, clothes, vacations, school fees, sports, etc.

Anonymous wrote:$250k in Maryland so far. I have no idea what ex-w has paid but it's less than that. Her only offer was 0/100, but in the end I got 50/50 kids and assets but had to fight over ever bit of it.

A friend of mine had a divorce in Maryland just like OP's. The legal fees were not very expensive because he offered her a huge bribe--an upfront settlement plus generous child support and alimony--to accept 50-50. His lawyer told her lawyer, "take it or leave it, if you don't accept this generous offer we'll spend the next two years in court." He got to keep the house, and paid her half of the equity, and they stayed out of court.

It was interesting that she was willing to "sell off" time with her children for cash. When the kids got older they chose to only live with their dad.

That’s not a bribe. Paying alimony, child support and 50/50 is standard boilerplate divorce with kids and a default/SAH parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how contentious and whether you have kids. Your numbers sound really low for a contested divorce.

How much did it cost you? We have three kids. He doesn’t want to get divorced. So contentious in that he said “if you do this I will make sure you get nothing”. Which I mean he can’t do that because we have no prenup and we have kids but that gives you an idea of his mindset.

So he’s high conflict, has money, and likes to fight. ? .

You need a lawyer and mediation, your lawyer needs a strategy to appeal to his EGO so he doesn’t away everyone’s money and mediates in short order. Often these bully types want to mediate fast and get it over with (vs 2 years in court after a long separation) because they don’t want others to know (their failure).

Make it about them, but it really (really it’s about the kids and finding peace).

Read Tina Swithin.

Anonymous wrote:In Maryland? I saw a post the other day that it cost someone 180k. I work part time and although I have a little savings my husband makes high six figures and my income is basically Pennies compared to his. How the heck am I suppose to pay for a lawyer? I had done some research and saw that it would be around 15-20k and sort of had that number in my mind. And now I’m freaking out. I have my first consult with a lawyer next week so of course I’m going to ask but I’m curious…how much did your divorce cost you?

Continue to freak out. Make sure you gasp for air and arrive for your lawyers calls breathless and heart pounding with fear or rage. They will talk to you about nonsense while checking their emails. Then charge you in 15 minute increments. It’s the only service that you have no idea how much something will cost. Good luck with that professional cesspool!

OP, you have your reasons for divorcing your spouse after 20 years. My guess is that you are sick of being treated like a nanny bangmaid and would like something better for the rest of your life. Your spouse is in denial, likely because everything has been working out just great for him this whole time and if it’s fine for him, it must be fine for everyone. It’s a selfish mindset but I’m guessing that’s part of why you’re divorcing him in the first place.

I would have a come to Jesus moment with him, preferably with a third party, and make abundantly clear to him that the marriage is over, it cannot be saved, and all he can hope to salvage now is a decent co-parenting relationship and a fair split of the marital assets. Whatever happens next in court and among the family dynamics is up to him, but his cozy situation from the last 20 years is over.

You can let him know you’ll be taking his lead, and as the lesser earning partner you will be asking the court to order him to pay the fees if he decides to go scorched earth. Then give him some time to sit with that, according to whatever separation plan your lawyer has blessed. That means getting out or getting him out, and starting to put your custody arrangement in place. If you can’t afford to do this without him paying you’re not ready.

Everything what op says makes no sense to get a divorce. Op work on yourself and your marriage. Divorce will not make anything better and grass is not greener on the other side