Anonymous
Post 01/06/2024 00:33     Subject: Re:Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.


Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.



Thank you for this. I believe there are no romantic feelings (maybe?) but its the fact that they can just pick right up again. I agree that its the stress of it constantly being in my life that is holding me back in this relationship.


PP here. The complicated part is that you have to be the one instigating this, and he hasn’t come to that conclusion himself. You don’t want him to resent you over this, but you shouldn’t tolerate it either. He should realize he can’t have a friendship like that long term if he intends to be in a serious relationship.

My husband was fresh out of a long term relationship when we met. He still spoke to her often and I had to tell him it made me uncomfortable. He didn’t go no contact, but they never saw each other and speak occasionally. It sort of happened naturally as the years went by. He should want to be respectful of his current relationship.



I feel like if he listened to me when I told him I was uncomfortable with it and put limits on their relationship organically as his choice, I wouldn’t mind that they were in occasional contact. But he obviously doesn’t have good boundaries with her, so I had to ask for the nuclear option of no contact. He did agree to no contact though.


He's not going to cut off contact. He'll just quit telling you about it.


This.
And when you find out that they are still at it, it will get ugly.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2024 00:31     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:OP here - I just had therapy and after perseverating to my therapist about which holidays? How many texts? How long for phone calls? I got the courage to ask him to go no contact with her. If he says no, I'll have my answer.


He’s already said no, OP.

The fact is that he is still in love with her and vice versa, and even though they decided not to make it work (it’s likely she is the one who decided this, btw) that doesn’t mean that they just stopped having feelings for each other.
But in all this time, knowing you are uncomfortable and even agreeing to “dial it back”—if he has not already gone no contact with her on his own, that means that you are not enough for him and he is only doing what is required.

Just know that if he does it simply because you asked him to, you will be the villain and she will be the victim in his mind.

Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 14:19     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
I am still close friends with an ex. He and I were friends for 5 years before dating, dated a year and realized we'd rather be friends. It's been 20 years since we dated. We live on opposite sides of the country so we don't see each other very often, maybe once every few years. We text occasionally and every other month or two we have a marathon phone call and catch up on life. I'd never give up my friendship with him for a boyfriend. That being said, the frequency of communication between your boyfriend and his ex would bother me. I don't think he should have to cut all contact, but he needs to be respectful of you and dial it back.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 14:13     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Yes, that is why domineering, mothers, fathers and bosses are so effective. If you control resources and draw upon those authorities —you will have even greater success.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 14:11     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
“so I had to ask for the nuclear option of no contact. He did agree to no contact though.“

Control other peoples communications and control their behaviors. Always a good plan
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 14:10     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't even talk that much to my best friends!

I waffle back and forth, but I think I'd just break it off amicably right now. While he's doing nothing wrong, it is weird and would make me uncomfortable. And I'd be annoyed with myself for being uncomfortable and think it would cause resentment and guilt and resentment over the guilt, yada yada. I just wouldn't like myself as a person for having feelings about the situation. All that to say again, I'd just break off the relationship.


This is EXACTLY where I am. I'm having a hard time today having set the boundary yesterday. I feel like I'm the bad guy and I hate it.



You're nuts, op.
And fyi telling someone to not to their friends is not setting a boundary.


See but they're not just friends. Sorry, their just not.

I'm with ya OP. You're not nuts, and likely in the majority on this issue
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 14:08     Subject: Re:Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.


Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.



Thank you for this. I believe there are no romantic feelings (maybe?) but its the fact that they can just pick right up again. I agree that its the stress of it constantly being in my life that is holding me back in this relationship.


PP here. The complicated part is that you have to be the one instigating this, and he hasn’t come to that conclusion himself. You don’t want him to resent you over this, but you shouldn’t tolerate it either. He should realize he can’t have a friendship like that long term if he intends to be in a serious relationship.

My husband was fresh out of a long term relationship when we met. He still spoke to her often and I had to tell him it made me uncomfortable. He didn’t go no contact, but they never saw each other and speak occasionally. It sort of happened naturally as the years went by. He should want to be respectful of his current relationship.



I feel like if he listened to me when I told him I was uncomfortable with it and put limits on their relationship organically as his choice, I wouldn’t mind that they were in occasional contact. But he obviously doesn’t have good boundaries with her, so I had to ask for the nuclear option of no contact. He did agree to no contact though.


He's not going to cut off contact. He'll just quit telling you about it.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 14:04     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't even talk that much to my best friends!

I waffle back and forth, but I think I'd just break it off amicably right now. While he's doing nothing wrong, it is weird and would make me uncomfortable. And I'd be annoyed with myself for being uncomfortable and think it would cause resentment and guilt and resentment over the guilt, yada yada. I just wouldn't like myself as a person for having feelings about the situation. All that to say again, I'd just break off the relationship.


This is EXACTLY where I am. I'm having a hard time today having set the boundary yesterday. I feel like I'm the bad guy and I hate it.



You're nuts, op.
And fyi telling someone to not to their friends is not setting a boundary.



There's a reason she's divorced and it's not all her ex
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 14:03     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't even talk that much to my best friends!

I waffle back and forth, but I think I'd just break it off amicably right now. While he's doing nothing wrong, it is weird and would make me uncomfortable. And I'd be annoyed with myself for being uncomfortable and think it would cause resentment and guilt and resentment over the guilt, yada yada. I just wouldn't like myself as a person for having feelings about the situation. All that to say again, I'd just break off the relationship.


This is EXACTLY where I am. I'm having a hard time today having set the boundary yesterday. I feel like I'm the bad guy and I hate it.



You're nuts, op.
And fyi telling someone to not to their friends is not setting a boundary.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 13:56     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:Any relationship tainted by fear and insecurity is shady. You should work against that.


I don't think it's fear and insecurity. In fact, I think it's fairly normal to not be ok with someone carrying on a close relationship with an ex, even if it's "just friends" (which deep down and maybe even subconsciously it never really is).

I was recently in this situation, except my GF was not only still chatting with her ex, but she was bringing him up a lot in conversations with me. Man, it was annoying. I had to collect my thoughts but then eventually decided I was going to see how it played out. Slowly she stopped bringing him up and now I don't hear a peep about him. Not sure if they still text but at least I don't have to hear about it. Drove me nuts.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 13:13     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Any relationship tainted by fear and insecurity is shady. You should work against that.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 13:12     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
My experience

We are friends
We have kids
I would take him back if he dumped his current (needy) girlfriend. Most likely if wasn’t seeing anyone. But we have kids and raised them together. That could be the difference. That &$&# runs deep. It’s primal to want to be around the provider and father
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 13:08     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Anonymous wrote:I don't even talk that much to my best friends!

I waffle back and forth, but I think I'd just break it off amicably right now. While he's doing nothing wrong, it is weird and would make me uncomfortable. And I'd be annoyed with myself for being uncomfortable and think it would cause resentment and guilt and resentment over the guilt, yada yada. I just wouldn't like myself as a person for having feelings about the situation. All that to say again, I'd just break off the relationship.


This is EXACTLY where I am. I'm having a hard time today having set the boundary yesterday. I feel like I'm the bad guy and I hate it.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 13:00     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
Story time: my long term BFF was a guy and we would talk on the phone for hours like this, and that relationship always scared off my boyfriends. Enter Mr Right, who asked me, once, “Do I have anything to worry about here?” And Mr Rightbelieved me when I said no. We’ve been married for 20 years, still going strong, and he’s my lifetime BFF too.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2024 12:53     Subject: Friends with exes (no kids involved)
I don't even talk that much to my best friends!

I waffle back and forth, but I think I'd just break it off amicably right now. While he's doing nothing wrong, it is weird and would make me uncomfortable. And I'd be annoyed with myself for being uncomfortable and think it would cause resentment and guilt and resentment over the guilt, yada yada. I just wouldn't like myself as a person for having feelings about the situation. All that to say again, I'd just break off the relationship.