Anonymous
01/05/2024 08:44
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:I have about a million stories I can tell, but the most recent one that pisses me off is that he locks the bedroom door every night, and I have to unlock it to get into bed. He goes up before me and locks the door for some reason. I have a clip I use to unlock it every night, but every time I do it I feel humiliated and angry. I've asked him not to do it, but he says "you don't come up to bed every night anyway" and since I know he's extremely passive aggressive I know that he's mad because sometimes I DO sleep in the guest room due to some pretty bad insomnia I've been dealing with. it's just easier to sleep in the guest room and be able to turn on a light and read in the middle of the night if I have to, and also not be woken up at 5:30 (when he gets up for work), when I've finally fallen asleep. But he takes every single thing as a personal attack and it hurts his ego if I don't sleep in the same room, so he is punishing me by locking the door.
You need to leave. This is beyond being a jerk.
Anonymous
01/05/2024 08:36
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
I had some struggles with stuff like this too, and it has been over ten years. Recently I heard someone say "don't get mad at your husband, get mad at yourself for not knowing better. Then forgive yourself and move on because now you know better."
Looking back, I really, really wish I had called him out on his s**t. I wish I had known my inner worth and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Instead, I grumbled and complained and otherwise tried to be the not-needy wife. I have changed and things like that wouldn't happen anymore, but the resentment is still there. So now that the situation is over and he can't fix it, it doesn't do any good to get angry at him or stay in resentment. I am directing my emotional energy to where it is most useful.
Looking back, I really, really wish I had called him out on his s**t. I wish I had known my inner worth and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Instead, I grumbled and complained and otherwise tried to be the not-needy wife. I have changed and things like that wouldn't happen anymore, but the resentment is still there. So now that the situation is over and he can't fix it, it doesn't do any good to get angry at him or stay in resentment. I am directing my emotional energy to where it is most useful.
Anonymous
01/04/2024 22:26
Subject: Re:Jerky things spouse has done
DH has job hopped quite a bit. It’s gotten to the point where it doesn’t faze me anymore when he gets fired, laid off, transferred, whatever. It happens so frequently. While it looked like he was going to get laid off, my mother died from an illness, which came on relatively suddenly. Right after she died, I brought my father back to our house to stay with us for a while. The day I got home with Dad, DH was giving me the silent treatment. After asking him several times what was wrong, he told me that he was mad that I wasn’t asking him about what was happening at his job with the impending layoff. This was right after I had returned to my home with my dad, three days after my mom died. Now, I don’t give a sh@t what he does with his career. I just focus on what I do with mine.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 22:28
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
I have about a million stories I can tell, but the most recent one that pisses me off is that he locks the bedroom door every night, and I have to unlock it to get into bed. He goes up before me and locks the door for some reason. I have a clip I use to unlock it every night, but every time I do it I feel humiliated and angry. I've asked him not to do it, but he says "you don't come up to bed every night anyway" and since I know he's extremely passive aggressive I know that he's mad because sometimes I DO sleep in the guest room due to some pretty bad insomnia I've been dealing with. it's just easier to sleep in the guest room and be able to turn on a light and read in the middle of the night if I have to, and also not be woken up at 5:30 (when he gets up for work), when I've finally fallen asleep. But he takes every single thing as a personal attack and it hurts his ego if I don't sleep in the same room, so he is punishing me by locking the door.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 21:08
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
I came home early from work today and caught my H throwing out Christmas decorations because “we have too many”. Some of which are very sentimental to me and I would never have known what happened to them because I am sure he was not planning to tell me.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 20:57
Subject: Re:Jerky things spouse has done
I'm not married, OP, but I've noticed in my dating life that when men start to do stuff like this, like they go out of their way to show me how much contempt they have for me, they've checked out and are hoping that they're bad enough I'll dump them. So I do.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 15:56
Subject: Re:Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:Also, at the time, this didn't even faze me, because I was so used to this type of thing. But right after I gave birth, my husband basically said "see ya later, I'm exhausted, I gotta go get some sleep" and then drove home. Meanwhile, the doctors came back and asked where my husband was, and I said he went home. They told me to call him and ask him to come back. He seemed annoyed but came back, and then they let us know our baby had to be transferred because of breathing issues.
He seems to missing more than a few brain cells or wiring. Oh well.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 15:55
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thinking about that time when I was 8 months pregnant, and asked my husband to help me zip up my boots, and he refused, saying it would set a bad precedent. Why do these moments live on in my head? Also asked why I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor.
I told DH it was time to go to the hospital- he ran off to take a shower. “I need to be relaxed and ready” as if HE is the one giving birth!!! He also frequently says he could feel everything during labor.
What a doofus.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 15:50
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:Mine was fine during pregnancy, but took the child from me later. The child was his and I just had to find my place somewhere near him not to upset him too much.
I moved out after 8 years as the silent treatment, negativity, negative noises as I walked by. Locking me out really was enough.
I moved out, DP took himself out and we finally have a good life. I have no idea why things had to get that far. I may have not dealt with a regular person, but nobody wants to talk about it. They'd rather remind me how much he loved me.
OP, I hope it gets better for you. I just needed my child and peace and quiet. I have it now and all is well.
Took himself out like killed himself?
Is that hereditary?
Anonymous
01/03/2024 15:40
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thinking about that time when I was 8 months pregnant, and asked my husband to help me zip up my boots, and he refused, saying it would set a bad precedent. Why do these moments live on in my head? Also asked why I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor.
I told DH it was time to go to the hospital- he ran off to take a shower. “I need to be relaxed and ready” as if HE is the one giving birth!!! He also frequently says he could feel everything during labor.
Lol
Can’t tell if he’s quoting a movie or things the above comments pass as “caring.”
Anonymous
01/03/2024 15:39
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:This can't be real.
I believe it.
Zero Empathy people have no understanding of the needs or feelings of anyone, their wife or even their own children.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 15:08
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:From the time our second kid was born to the time he was about three years old, it was just one thing after another.
He refused to do any of the nighttime feedings even though he was consistently awake and watching TV for the first feeding. I didn't get more than five hours of sleep in a row until I sleep-trained the baby. And I was working full-time for most of that. I explained how much the sleep deprivation was affecting my mood and he did not care.
He wouldn't lift a finger to clean for years. He'd get angry at me if the house was messy, but he'd also get angry watching me clean. Like he just expected me to do it without him noticing. Again, we were both working full-time and contributing equally financially.
I couldn't trust him to safely parent by himself. Best-case scenario, I'd just come home to a messy house I'd have to clean. Worst-case scenario, he ignored our toddler and preschooler and they'd leave the house or get into the medicine cabinet. He'd tell me it was no big deal and I was crazy for worrying. I stopped traveling for work.
He'd call me at the last minute on days he was supposed to pick the kids up and tell me he was running late and could I do it? I'd be running from home where I was cooking dinner, or from the grocery store, to get the kids. He knew I cared about being on time at day care and this was another passive-aggressive way of showing how little he cared about me or our kids.
I came home with the kids once and dinner was cold tomato sauce on undercooked pasta. I'm not sure if he expected me to eat it. I don't know why that one sticks, but it does.
And that's just a small fraction.
He's actually a way better parent now. He does 50%. He cleans. But I'm just so done emotionally. The funny thing, I think he's going to be the one who leaves me. Intellectually, I know I'm in a much better place now as far as being single. Our incomes are both much higher and the kids are older. But I might feel better about myself if I'd left rather than putting up with this and having him leave me later.
Ugh. I’m mad for you! You worked like crazy in a way I know I personally don’t understand to compensate for his intense…selfishness? What’s the word even for this?
If he files, SFW? I’d throw you a parade. I hope you get a better man in your life sooner rather than later.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 14:58
Subject: Jerky things spouse has done
From the time our second kid was born to the time he was about three years old, it was just one thing after another.
He refused to do any of the nighttime feedings even though he was consistently awake and watching TV for the first feeding. I didn't get more than five hours of sleep in a row until I sleep-trained the baby. And I was working full-time for most of that. I explained how much the sleep deprivation was affecting my mood and he did not care.
He wouldn't lift a finger to clean for years. He'd get angry at me if the house was messy, but he'd also get angry watching me clean. Like he just expected me to do it without him noticing. Again, we were both working full-time and contributing equally financially.
I couldn't trust him to safely parent by himself. Best-case scenario, I'd just come home to a messy house I'd have to clean. Worst-case scenario, he ignored our toddler and preschooler and they'd leave the house or get into the medicine cabinet. He'd tell me it was no big deal and I was crazy for worrying. I stopped traveling for work.
He'd call me at the last minute on days he was supposed to pick the kids up and tell me he was running late and could I do it? I'd be running from home where I was cooking dinner, or from the grocery store, to get the kids. He knew I cared about being on time at day care and this was another passive-aggressive way of showing how little he cared about me or our kids.
I came home with the kids once and dinner was cold tomato sauce on undercooked pasta. I'm not sure if he expected me to eat it. I don't know why that one sticks, but it does.
And that's just a small fraction.
He's actually a way better parent now. He does 50%. He cleans. But I'm just so done emotionally. The funny thing, I think he's going to be the one who leaves me. Intellectually, I know I'm in a much better place now as far as being single. Our incomes are both much higher and the kids are older. But I might feel better about myself if I'd left rather than putting up with this and having him leave me later.
He refused to do any of the nighttime feedings even though he was consistently awake and watching TV for the first feeding. I didn't get more than five hours of sleep in a row until I sleep-trained the baby. And I was working full-time for most of that. I explained how much the sleep deprivation was affecting my mood and he did not care.
He wouldn't lift a finger to clean for years. He'd get angry at me if the house was messy, but he'd also get angry watching me clean. Like he just expected me to do it without him noticing. Again, we were both working full-time and contributing equally financially.
I couldn't trust him to safely parent by himself. Best-case scenario, I'd just come home to a messy house I'd have to clean. Worst-case scenario, he ignored our toddler and preschooler and they'd leave the house or get into the medicine cabinet. He'd tell me it was no big deal and I was crazy for worrying. I stopped traveling for work.
He'd call me at the last minute on days he was supposed to pick the kids up and tell me he was running late and could I do it? I'd be running from home where I was cooking dinner, or from the grocery store, to get the kids. He knew I cared about being on time at day care and this was another passive-aggressive way of showing how little he cared about me or our kids.
I came home with the kids once and dinner was cold tomato sauce on undercooked pasta. I'm not sure if he expected me to eat it. I don't know why that one sticks, but it does.
And that's just a small fraction.
He's actually a way better parent now. He does 50%. He cleans. But I'm just so done emotionally. The funny thing, I think he's going to be the one who leaves me. Intellectually, I know I'm in a much better place now as far as being single. Our incomes are both much higher and the kids are older. But I might feel better about myself if I'd left rather than putting up with this and having him leave me later.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 14:28
Subject: Re:Jerky things spouse has done
Anonymous wrote:Also, at the time, this didn't even faze me, because I was so used to this type of thing. But right after I gave birth, my husband basically said "see ya later, I'm exhausted, I gotta go get some sleep" and then drove home. Meanwhile, the doctors came back and asked where my husband was, and I said he went home. They told me to call him and ask him to come back. He seemed annoyed but came back, and then they let us know our baby had to be transferred because of breathing issues.
Same here, but he said it was to feed the cat. It took him 9 hours to feed that damn cat.
Anonymous
01/03/2024 14:27
Subject: Re:Jerky things spouse has done
Also, at the time, this didn't even faze me, because I was so used to this type of thing. But right after I gave birth, my husband basically said "see ya later, I'm exhausted, I gotta go get some sleep" and then drove home. Meanwhile, the doctors came back and asked where my husband was, and I said he went home. They told me to call him and ask him to come back. He seemed annoyed but came back, and then they let us know our baby had to be transferred because of breathing issues.