Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 14:07     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:Since this is the Money and Finances Forum, I'll say that I don't think having one person work and the other stay at home creates a healthy power or financial dynamic.

Keep in mind that no marriage is divorce-proof, and this will be a big shift in dynamics. It might be fine several years, but there may come a time when it's not fine, and then what kind of position will you be in financially? I see lots of examples of women suddenly divorced and "shocked" that they have no funds or ability to get back into the workplace. Of course it will never happen to you. Until it does.

Also - now that my spouse has been out of the workforce for 15 years, I can't really engage with them about the work issues I am facing because they don't have anything useful from experience to offer. That too has shifted the dynamic. And I admit that I do think of the money as mine.

These things are separate from what is best for the kids, which is another ball of wax.


Long time SAHM here, now working part time for low pay. DH definitely acts as though the money is his. He wouldn’t say the words, and he knows legally in a divorce it isn’t true, but for anything beyond day to day spending, his attitude is that it is his decision and his alone. No, it’s not a good dynamic. And no he wasn’t like this when I first started staying home.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 13:57     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Since this is the Money and Finances Forum, I'll say that I don't think having one person work and the other stay at home creates a healthy power or financial dynamic.

Keep in mind that no marriage is divorce-proof, and this will be a big shift in dynamics. It might be fine several years, but there may come a time when it's not fine, and then what kind of position will you be in financially? I see lots of examples of women suddenly divorced and "shocked" that they have no funds or ability to get back into the workplace. Of course it will never happen to you. Until it does.

Also - now that my spouse has been out of the workforce for 15 years, I can't really engage with them about the work issues I am facing because they don't have anything useful from experience to offer. That too has shifted the dynamic. And I admit that I do think of the money as mine.

These things are separate from what is best for the kids, which is another ball of wax.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 13:31     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.


But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.


This. The normal progression is stay at home from birth through Kindergarten, then start some sort of work again when kids are in school. You don't wait until the hard part is done and then decide to stay at home.

So what? They are rich, who cares whether OP works or when she quits.


The only person whose opinion matters is her husband. But she isn’t becoming a SAHM, she’s retiring. If that’s fine with him, none of our business. She just thinks it’s more socially acceptable to pretend she is doing this for her kids.


And she is retiring after the hard work of little kids is over.

OP, your husband makes more than enough for you to stop working. However, while no one will likely say it to your face everyone you know will be aware you didn't actually stay home for the kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 13:26     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.


But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.


This. The normal progression is stay at home from birth through Kindergarten, then start some sort of work again when kids are in school. You don't wait until the hard part is done and then decide to stay at home.

So what? They are rich, who cares whether OP works or when she quits.


The only person whose opinion matters is her husband. But she isn’t becoming a SAHM, she’s retiring. If that’s fine with him, none of our business. She just thinks it’s more socially acceptable to pretend she is doing this for her kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 12:23     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.


But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.


This. The normal progression is stay at home from birth through Kindergarten, then start some sort of work again when kids are in school. You don't wait until the hard part is done and then decide to stay at home.

So what? They are rich, who cares whether OP works or when she quits.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 12:16     Subject: Re:Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve thought about going part time. I probably could. I’m honestly at the point where it just feels like I have no connection to my job—I feel like I’m leaning out, not in, and so much of my mental focus is on my kids and the household…but I hear you about the huge decision of giving up my career.


+1. I would like to be a sahm mom for a few years but our HHI is more like 350k without my 160k contribution + retirement. People do it on less, but there’s no way to slice it - you’re losing an income and retirement no matter what your HHI is. At 725k you should be able to fund two retirement accounts, but that’s just me talking on a 500k HHI budget.

If dh made 725k I’d leave my job for a few years. But people could say the same about me with a dh earning half of that- it’s all relative/what you’re accustomed to. 725k is objectively high even in a HCOL area.


350K + 40 hrs of additional free time is nowhere near challenging for now our retirement, unless you are extremely materialistic and consumerist. All that empty spending is an attempt to get time back, which you have if you don't have a job working for someone else.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 12:12     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:I’d keep working until the kids are in middle school. I think they need you more as they get older.

If you don’t want to work FT, look for 20-25 hours a week.


Huh? What do they need you doing all day while they are at middle school?
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 12:11     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:I have been both and I will give the advice I always give on these threads: become a SAHM because it's your calling and you really, truly want to stay home. Not because you hate your job or are experiencing burnout. Being home is a different kind of hard, make sure you fully understand that before leaving work. Also think through the implications on your marriage.

For me, it didn't fit (I SAH for four years). Now I work part time for myself which is the best of both worlds IMO.


+1. You can talk to a financial advisor to understand the short and long term financial implications. I would consider the following:

1) You will be the main caretaker 100% when kids are not in school. That’s a lot of time. Do you want that?
2) Would you consider trying to find someone for a few hours a day so that you have coverage when working and during your kids vacations and holidays you have some help (private schools have lots of vacations).
3) Will you be happier in this new situation or will you be trading bad situation for another?
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 12:11     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How would this impact the dynamics of your marriage? My DH wanted me to be a SAHP but then down the road when we were having problems, he threw in my face the fact that he earned the money and views it as “his.” I never would’ve predicted that change in how he viewed things. I eventually went back to work but should’ve done it much sooner.


If he, kids and household is benefiting then legally and ethically, its both your money. Don't feel insecure, remind him.


Divorce him before it's too late. You are not his property.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 11:36     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
I’d keep working until the kids are in middle school. I think they need you more as they get older.

If you don’t want to work FT, look for 20-25 hours a week.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 11:26     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Think hard about whether you are willing to give up your career. Can you go part time?

The nanny isn’t that much on your husband’s salary.


If you quit and don’t have to pay the nanny, I bet your household finances change by about $1500 a month. It’s immaterial.


If nanny was "full-time" like OP stated, at $25/hr and 40 hour weeks that is $1K/week, so $4K/month. Not "immaterial"


PP probably means net. So OP's $150K income is going to be taxed heavily given the DH's $750K income. Let's say 40% including all payroll taxes takes that $150K down to $90K. Subtract out $48K per your calculated cost of the nanny leaves OP with $42K net or $3.5K total per month. Maybe subtract out some costs that are outsourced now that she could do herself and bring that down to $2.5K per month loss of income. In any event, still immaterial in light of her DH's income from a financial perspective making the big assumption that her DH's job is stable.


Now you're overly focused on take home. Leaving the workforce will reduce OP's social security benefits. She'll also lose whatever retirement benefits she's getting from work. Also, with kids in private school, there's aftercare for ~$7k/kid, which is way less than $48k for the nanny.


PP here and for sure it's financially better for her to keep working, no argument there. I'm just saying that given how high her DH's income is the financial impact is going to be immaterial. Financially speaking she can do whatever she wants.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 11:15     Subject: Re:Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
You had somebody else come into your home to raise your kids and now that they no longer need fulltime care, you want to send them to school and you stay home all day? Let us be honest, your husband makes enough money to have a maid, lawn service, cleaner, etc. What exactly would you do all day/every day? I would continue to work, part time. You need self identity outside of your family. You need a income of your own.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 11:09     Subject: Re:Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
First, I want to say I am fully aware that many, many women do not have the option of working part time. I am only addressing this to OP because she said she probably could. IF (and that is a huge if, I recognize), but IF you can go part time, it is the best of both worlds! (It can also be the worst of both worlds when you hold yourself to full-time career woman standards at work and SAH standards at home--but that is just a mentality you need to train yourself out of--took me YEARS!). I worked full time with a baby very briefly, stayed home for a year, and have been working part time ever since for the last 13 years. Kids are 14 and 12 nd I so wish more women had this option. I worked 15-20 hours when the kids were little and now work more like 30 and I am so happy. Really consider it, OP.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 10:47     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Just get a new job. It’s still a good market. You’ll probably get a solid raise. Just take a month or two off between jobs to give yourself time to recharge. I bet by the end of two months you’ll be looking forward to going back to work.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2024 10:38     Subject: Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Think hard about whether you are willing to give up your career. Can you go part time?

The nanny isn’t that much on your husband’s salary.


If you quit and don’t have to pay the nanny, I bet your household finances change by about $1500 a month. It’s immaterial.


If nanny was "full-time" like OP stated, at $25/hr and 40 hour weeks that is $1K/week, so $4K/month. Not "immaterial"


PP probably means net. So OP's $150K income is going to be taxed heavily given the DH's $750K income. Let's say 40% including all payroll taxes takes that $150K down to $90K. Subtract out $48K per your calculated cost of the nanny leaves OP with $42K net or $3.5K total per month. Maybe subtract out some costs that are outsourced now that she could do herself and bring that down to $2.5K per month loss of income. In any event, still immaterial in light of her DH's income from a financial perspective making the big assumption that her DH's job is stable.


Now you're overly focused on take home. Leaving the workforce will reduce OP's social security benefits. She'll also lose whatever retirement benefits she's getting from work. Also, with kids in private school, there's aftercare for ~$7k/kid, which is way less than $48k for the nanny.