Anonymous wrote:I cut off contact with my abusive parent. Whenever I feel guilt and worry about how my parent is feeling, I imagine the estrangement as a permanent, joint meditation on pain, consequences and wisdom. It stops me from reaching back out and giving in to the guilt.

He can always meditate on why you aren't coming around.

FWIW, I've been a social worker for a few decades and so I've interacted with men like your father about this issue. Here are my observations:

1. The adult children feel very distressed, angry and guilty about the renewed contact. They typically ignore or lash out at the fathers.

2. The elderly, abandoning fathers are dealing with a host of other issues and losses. Rejection by their adult children is teeny, tiny fraction of the whole picture. Their distress lasts for a few MINUTES and then they defensively blame the mother and in some cases the adult children. They do not spend much time reflecting on the impact of their behavior. They quickly move on to other concerns.

3. I would be willing to bet good money you've felt more, remembered more, thought more and talked more about the pain of your father's abandonment than your father. It's his turn. Go live your life.

Good luck.

This is really important and easy to miss. OP you've already been more bothered by his request than he will be by your refusal to meet with him, and you're not even particularly bothered. He may cycle through all the kids he's failed throughout his life and come back to you again later, but you're very clearly not a focal point for him. You're a passing thought, or like some PPs have already noted: a potential mark. Keep your kids away from this kind of person.

Life is full of mistakes, strangers, lovers, ex lovers, enemies, family … people are capable of great transformations and surprises. If you are a well adjusted adult and you can control your boundaries (only you know this), go for it.

If it’s not harmful or destructive, try!
if it’s not taking away from your life, try.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would want my kids hanging out with some dude who abandoned me.

Quite simply, this. And I'd tell him as much. I would never be able to trust his intentions. I suspect he is looking for connection now because he wants someone to take care of him in old age. So not put yourself in that position. He made his bed. If you were longing for a relationship with him it would be a different story, but you are not. Behavior has consequences. That fact that you say you don't have anger toward him is remarkable and he should count himself fortunate for that.

All of this. And he’s worse than a stranger because you already know his personality so you have reason to think that his influence on your kids would not be good either.

I cut off contact with my abusive parent. Whenever I feel guilt and worry about how my parent is feeling, I imagine the estrangement as a permanent, joint meditation on pain, consequences and wisdom. It stops me from reaching back out and giving in to the guilt.

He can always meditate on why you aren't coming around.

FWIW, I've been a social worker for a few decades and so I've interacted with men like your father about this issue. Here are my observations:

1. The adult children feel very distressed, angry and guilty about the renewed contact. They typically ignore or lash out at the fathers.

2. The elderly, abandoning fathers are dealing with a host of other issues and losses. Rejection by their adult children is teeny, tiny fraction of the whole picture. Their distress lasts for a few MINUTES and then they defensively blame the mother and in some cases the adult children. They do not spend much time reflecting on the impact of their behavior. They quickly move on to other concerns.

3. I would be willing to bet good money you've felt more, remembered more, thought more and talked more about the pain of your father's abandonment than your father. It's his turn. Go live your life.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would want my kids hanging out with some dude who abandoned me.

Quite simply, this. And I'd tell him as much. I would never be able to trust his intentions. I suspect he is looking for connection now because he wants someone to take care of him in old age. So not put yourself in that position. He made his bed. If you were longing for a relationship with him it would be a different story, but you are not. Behavior has consequences. That fact that you say you don't have anger toward him is remarkable and he should count himself fortunate for that.

Anonymous wrote:You’re probably the most successful of your siblings aren’t you?
He wants your money.
I don’t understand your mom wanting you to interact with him. Is there more to that part? Did she encourage your dad to reconnect with you?

OP, you may still have some blind spots based on what he never gave you. Don’t let him exploit you. He may come at you with a sob story or good game about how he wants to make amends and establish a relationship; I guarantee you that behind it all will be a request for money and/or caregiving.

Anonymous wrote:
So now he's feeling his age, he wants to exploit any residual feelings of obligation his progeny might have, to ensure he doesn't die alone?

Well.

If I were you, I'd keep him at arms length.

This. He wants something. Leopard/spots. Do not fall for it.

You’re probably the most successful of your siblings aren’t you?
He wants your money.
I don’t understand your mom wanting you to interact with him. Is there more to that part? Did she encourage your dad to reconnect with you?

My father was physically abusive before he took off when i was little. Apparently, the idiot was still getting into bar fights in his 70s before he died. I wouldn't have let him near my children.

What makes you think that your father changed?

Anonymous wrote:He’s looking for a caregiver. Nope nope nope.

Yep +1

In your situation, I’d go ahead and keep a very low contact relationship. Talk/text/meet for coffee once a year or so, just so I wouldn’t regret it later. But only if it’s convenient. I wouldn’t travel or host. I definitely wouldn’t have him in my kids lives.

I would be very interested in connecting with other siblings though. Again - a limited relationship, but to at least know them a little.

My biological father contacted my brother & I right after we finished college. He told my mother he wanted to pay off our student loans and wanted to talk to us. I met with him once and felt a strong aversion to him; my brother really attempted to have a relationship with him and got burned again. I received several long, rambling phone calls from him and a few long letters, but I did not want any further contact or for my kids to meet him, and he died about 10 years later of liver disease - he was an alcoholic - all the stuff about paying off our loans and leaving us his inheritance (rich grandfather left him money in a trust) was all a lie. My mom had warned me that he was a liar. She had just hoped that we would receive something.

Did I get anything out of it? A better appreciation for my mother and her actions which resulted in a better life for us, a deeper gratitude toward the man who stepped in and raised us, eventually adopting us, and biological father's death served as a warning to watch my own behavior so I don't go down the same path - there seems to be generational alcoholism at play here - and I don't want to pass this on to my own children. He did tell me about my grandparents and what they died of and a little about my ancestry. Adoptive father stepped in and paid off student loans.

Be prepared for some mental anguish - I was disturbed to find out I was related to this man - he really didn't have any redeeming qualities.

He’s looking for a caregiver. Nope nope nope.

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is a piece of shit. Tell him to get lost.

+1