Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

I wouldn't invite that one girl. This is part of F**k around, and find out. The girl is old enough to face the consequence of not being invited to a party due to her decision to be repeatedly mean. This is not a school event, this is a party with parent-spent money for a child's birthday. The child should get to enjoy the day and not have her things stolen or be insulted on her birthday. That'd be my birthday gift to her.

Anonymous wrote:Invite the other girls and not the mean girl.

A child who is actively mean to your child does not need to be invited in the name of inclusivity. You invite all the kids of a gender when there are a few kids who just are not friends with a kid but are not mean or cruel to the others. You invite the quirky kids who might be a bit different or socially awkward if you are inviting over half the gender. You do not invite the bully or the kid who is being mean to your child.

A child who is going out of their way to hurt other kids does not need to be included.

Yep, this. Actions has consequences. Act like a bratty bully, no birthday party invite for you.

Anonymous wrote:I had a bully at this age, and if my mother had forced me to invite her to my birthday, I would simply have declined having a party at all. Inviting this cruel child into my house would simply have given her more fodder to torment me with. People have gone nuts in the name of inclusion. This isn’t fair to your child, OP. Do not invite her.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:What planet are you on? Why does your 11 year old need to invite all the girls from the class? I seriously doubt your DD is good friends with all of them. The rule is you can invite half of the girls or maybe even 6/10 but you don’t just leave 1 out.

She's 11. She does not need to invite this girl. That rule shouldn't include kids who are mean to your child.

Op what is more important, satisfying the dcum crowd or your daughter enjoying her birthday?

IF she is invited, you could do zero tolerance. Call her parents at the first snotty remark.

Anonymous wrote:I'm normally very adamant about inviting everyone or less than half, but in this case, I wouldn't make her invite someone who is regularly and actively unkind to her and her friends. Being kind doesn't mean being a doormat.

This. End.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I wouldn’t exclude only ONE person from a group event (whether it is a neighborhood mom group, elementary school class, coworker outing or family event), no. From a smaller gathering that doesn’t include literally every other person in the group? Totally different, and I absolutely would not invite someone I dislike. If you are throwing a party for your entire work department or team would you leave out just one? I would not. Rude. However, it is fine to have only a few over for dinner and not the whole team.

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I had a bully at this age, and if my mother had forced me to invite her to my birthday, I would simply have declined having a party at all. Inviting this cruel child into my house would simply have given her more fodder to torment me with. People have gone nuts in the name of inclusion. This isn’t fair to your child, OP. Do not invite her.

I would exclude her. I have a 4th grader and at this age kids are old enough to understand that not everyone is invited to every party. They are also old enough to understand that actions have consequences. Invite the 9 classmates and a few more girls from other classes or activities she likes.

Your daughter should be kind at school, but it’s her birthday and she should not be uncomfortable or subject to insults and drama at her own party. If the mean girl’s parents mention it, just say “Larla has said some hurtful things to BD girl at school and purposely threw away her eraser. We didn’t want to risk any negative interactions on what should be a special, fun day.”

No need to invite the mean girl since she has a group of friends in another class.

Pointless story incoming….

My older DD (now a freshman in HS) had a girl like this in her class in elementary. Same exact story- always making snarky remarks and criticizing the other girls- often about appearance. Didn’t seem to be target at anyone in particular- just a sour, difficult girl.

This continued into MS (large suburban public but their cohort from elementary was together more due to a language immersion track). All of the other girls tolerated this girl at school, who kind of kept hanging around (probably bc she had no other friends). Some learned to snap back at the girl’s rude comments (as if you are one to talk, Larla! etc) They certainly didn’t hang out with her outside of school but didn’t deliberately leave her out either (at MS age everyone is not always included in everything).

Anyway- DD has said the girl is very nice now in HS. I’ve noticed the girl has even been included in some mutual group outings etc. and seems to have some friends now.

I think the girl was just insecure and having a rough time earlier….In hindsight I’m glad no one ever went nuclear and did anything deliberately nasty to the girl (like exclude her and only her from an elementary school party)- why sink to such a level? Not worth it and will seem very silly a few years from now.

I might feel differently if the girl was doing something truly truly horrid- but at this point it is snarky comments and throwing someone’s eraser away. Teach your DD to do the right thing. They don’t have to be friends but to exclude only one girl isn’t right, and teaches a poor lesson.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

+1 Amen.