Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are some things my (individual) therapist has said to me:

“How do you think that made him feel when you said that?”

“Not all emotions are valid.”

“Do you think that is a reasonable ask?”

“What exactly do you want?”

“This is the part where we practice distress tolerance, because you cannot change your situation.”

This was in addition to lots of validating things but I was certainly not coddled. It was painful.

I hope he established that your partner was not mentally/physically abusive before going down that road …

She, and yes. She helped me realize that the things he was doing were legitimately damaging and wrong. She also said that some things he was doing sounded like gaslighting. We examined that a little more and decided that he was not gaslighting, just doing unintentionally harmful things because of his own baggage and lack of understanding about emotions and relationships. So I guess a fundamental component of successful therapy is a client who isn’t just trying to demonize everyone else.

OK?

I have been in therapy on and off since middle school (!) and only ever once had one truly great therapist. The rest were middling at best. I think that for every good therapist, there are about 9 bad ones. Unfortunately.

That said, there is so much the individual can do to improve their mental health and well-being. Most choose to do nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Here are some things my (individual) therapist has said to me:

“How do you think that made him feel when you said that?”

“Not all emotions are valid.”

“Do you think that is a reasonable ask?”

“What exactly do you want?”

“This is the part where we practice distress tolerance, because you cannot change your situation.”

This was in addition to lots of validating things but I was certainly not coddled. It was painful.

I hope he established that your partner was not mentally/physically abusive before going down that road …

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you go to a therapist, you tell them your woes but from an extremely biased, first person perspective. The therapist recieves the information from a biased narrator with no perspective or insight into other people the patient may reference.

How would a therapist guide you if she/he spends the entire session validating your perspective?

There are so many people who dig deeper into their dysfunction or selfishness because they’re now being validated by certified therapists.

Totally agree. Depression and other mental illnesses come with "mental distortions" and the function of the therapist is to point these out. But if they don't involve other members of the family, etc., they cannot determine what is a distortion. In addition, most therapists do not keep up with mental health research and so fail to emphasize physical habits and other things that could make a difference. - MSW

Wow, no. The role of a CBT/ACT therapist (or even any therapist) is not actually to make judgements about what is or is not a distortion, except maybe in some very clear-cut cases. They are supposed to engage the client in identifying distortions for themselves. Even if the client persists in believing something that is a distortion (and since we are not omniscient everything is a distortion to a certain extent) the goal of good therapy is to decide what would be a good way to handle that fact.

So for example, I have a firm belief that my partner is a selfish, mean jerk. Years of therapy cannot change this belief. But my therapist did a lot to help me see there are many different ways I can react to and think about this reality. Bringing my partner into therapy for the therapist to judge whether he really is selfish would be totally pointless.

Agreed. I have several friends who go to therapy and it’s clear that it doesn’t work. They all have a victim complex, use their trauma as an excuse for their behavior, and are very negative people in general. They are also extremely emotionally needy and always mention their “anxiety.” None of my friends in therapy have been able to work steady jobs for most of their adult lives and whine and cry when their parents won’t give them money for a trip or encourage them to get a job. It seems as if therapy just reinforces their neediness and childish behavior as the therapist probably tells them how great they are and how awful and wrong their families are. Therapists are enablers in a lot of cases. Nothing good usually comes from therapy.

Here are some things my (individual) therapist has said to me:

“How do you think that made him feel when you said that?”

“Not all emotions are valid.”

“Do you think that is a reasonable ask?”

“What exactly do you want?”

“This is the part where we practice distress tolerance, because you cannot change your situation.”

This was in addition to lots of validating things but I was certainly not coddled. It was painful.

They get paid to make you feel less lonely.

But nothing will change because the reason why you're alone--the hard fact that people don't like being around you--won't change.

Agree that sadly it tends to be the 30-40 year old therapists who give the vibe that the patients are running the clinic. Validate is pretty much what they know. And to challenge a patient is to not accept them for who they are.

I was googling therapists and discovered a bunch of them were writing glowing reviews for each other

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you go to a therapist, you tell them your woes but from an extremely biased, first person perspective. The therapist recieves the information from a biased narrator with no perspective or insight into other people the patient may reference.

How would a therapist guide you if she/he spends the entire session validating your perspective?

There are so many people who dig deeper into their dysfunction or selfishness because they’re now being validated by certified therapists.

Totally agree. Depression and other mental illnesses come with "mental distortions" and the function of the therapist is to point these out. But if they don't involve other members of the family, etc., they cannot determine what is a distortion. In addition, most therapists do not keep up with mental health research and so fail to emphasize physical habits and other things that could make a difference. - MSW

they cannot now the specific of the other side of the issue, but good therapists are well aware that their patient's stories are one-sided. distortions that they are working on relate to how people perceive their own situation, options, future.

You are right, Op.

It never “works”. It’s just a method to kill time trick your mind and postpone death.

It doesn't sound like you've experienced cognitive behavioral therapy. Look into it. Also - not every therapist is a good therapist.

Anonymous wrote:A bad therapist will just agree with how awful you say your life is.

A good therapist will validate your feelings, question your line of thinking, and help you come up with ways to change that thinking and resultant behaviors for a different and happier outcome.

Sounds like you've been going to a bad therapist.

NP here. I wish I could find a good therapist to do what you describe. I don't know what I'm doing wrong in choosing them.