1) tell them way in advance. I would message everyone no later than March/April
2) don’t apologize for not hosting and don’t offer alternate dates to host; don’t offer to travel to them. You and your spouse and kids deserve to actually enjoy a holiday for once.

Going on a trip is a great way to get out of hosting/visiting family but it’s not necessary if you’d rather have Christmas at your own home. You just need to be brave and speak up for yourself.

“I wanted to go ahead and let you all know now that we will not be hosting Christmas 2024. While we love spending time with you all, we are going to have next Christmas be more low key with just our little family of 4. We also no longer want to participate in a gift exchange. We are going for a more simple, easy, relaxing holiday going forward.”

I’m sure it’s really hard for you to write and send a message like that but you need to just do it, for the sake of your kids. You want your kids to enjoy Christmas not dread it.

Drop the rope OP. You will feel much better. And I agree with letting the family know early. For them to plan and for you to feel the weight off your shoulders. Keep it simple - you want to start traveling to see the Christmas markets - or something of the sort. Set up your boundaries now. It is not your responsibility to make Christmas happen for others. Your main responsibility is to make memories with your kids/husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these adults? Is it your parents, siblings and cousins? Yeah that's to much especially if they are flying in and spending 4-5 days at your house. They probably feel obligated to come since you have the kids in the family. I agree the best way is to just say you are making other plans for next year. You don't have to actually travel on Christmas Day. Depending on when your kid's schools let out you can return on 12/24 or leave on 12/26. Invite the Grandparents (just the Grandparents) to visit right before or after the holidays.

Mom, sibling and cousins. Sometimes an aunt. Varies by year. My mom and aunt are close, my sibling and cousins are close. I am close with sibling, that’s it. I can’t have sibling and mom without cousins without causing major hurt feelings, which is not my goal.

Are they all from out of town, or just the cousins? It seems like there should be some kind of medium between hosting the entire family including cousins for a week (a ridiculous ask) and your sibling and mom being alone.

Anonymous wrote:Scrooge. First world problems. Take your pick. They both apply to you.

OP seems really nice. You : unhelpful. Mean. Take your pick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

you don5 tell them you don’t want to celebrate with them, you just say, “next year we are going (skiing). “. You don’t have to say why.

If they push back, you say, “while we enjoy being with everyone, we would just like to do something different this year.” Then change the subject.

Thank you. I needed it spelled out.

Use the phrases “keep it simple,” “less stressful,” “less exhausting,” and “change things up.” I like the idea of letting people know early in the game so it’s not a surprise. Your siblings and mom can still get together. It’s not your responsibility to make Christmas happen for everyone. You deserve a holiday too!

Scrooge. First world problems. Take your pick. They both apply to you.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

you don5 tell them you don’t want to celebrate with them, you just say, “next year we are going (skiing). “. You don’t have to say why.

If they push back, you say, “while we enjoy being with everyone, we would just like to do something different this year.” Then change the subject.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, op I think your mom will be fine with it. You could invite her along if that’s an option. Or celebrate the week before.

I do a big Christmas party the Saturday after thanksgiving so everyone is still in town. We do a yankee swap with a $25 max. Then everyone is on their own for Christmas.

She’s definitely not going to be fine with it, but after hearing her prattle on and on about how she hosted and bought gifts for years and did her share, I don’t really care. I do feel badly that my single sibling will be alone. Growing up, all family was local so holidays were a one day event, and my mom seems to remember it differently than I do. I remember my grandmother doing most of the work, even if it was at our house.
The other people who come are cousins and their partners who I don’t speak to during the year and am just tired of hosting especially when they show up late, throw off my entire “plan”, don’t bring anything to help out. We also have to sit through their gift exchange while my immediate family looks on with nothing to open. My sibling and cousins are close.

Your sibling won't be alone if they host your mom. I would reach out now to your sibling(s) to let them know you won't be hosting Christmas in 2024. Let them know you plan to email everyone a heads-up in March, but wanted to give them an early alert in case they are interested in hosting your mom or others, so that they can preempt your message with a "this year X is hosting" invitation.

Personally I wouldn't want to travel for Christmas. Rather than do that, I would just tell everyone in March that my 2024 resolution is to simplify and focus on my kids, and so we're doing Christmas alone this year. You do need to let people know really early so they can adjust to it.

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy that there are people like OP who do so much for others in terms of hosting, even though they get little out of it. And others who do so little. Like, bare minimum reciprocation is too much for them.

Agree. How do they get duped into it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need a script or alternative date. Just say next year we are not hosting, we are keeping it small (immediate family). Coordinate with your mom how you will celebrate with her. None of your guests can host everyone? Why is it on you. Let your mom host. I’m over the older generation holding everyone hostage to “the way it has always been”. Your kids should be your priority.

Yes, my kids are now my priority. My mom cannot host, she’s a hoarder. Same with cousins. Even if they did host, I do not want to spend the holiday with them anymore. It’s exhausting and not fun for my kids. I’m willing I guess to travel to them and pay for a nice restaurant dinner. I guess I need to just say that and then let it lie. If people are mad, they can be mad. I’m working with a therapist to start putting myself first.

Good for you Op. it is hard work but will be the best for your and your family. It is not your fault they struggle with mental issues (hoarding).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you, OP! You don’t know anyone an explanation, have fun in another locale with your kids! Beach volleyball on Christmas is fun!

Sounds amazing. Any resort recs since Paris is no good in December??

We did Christmas in Paris last year, and it was great. We arrived about four or five days ahead of Christmas and actually went to Strasbourg first, which has amazing Christmas markets and is beautifully decorated. Then, Paris, which is amazing any time of year.

Yes, it was cold and gray, but also very cozy and fun. Seeing everything decorated for Christmas and watching the Eiffel Tower twinkle for five minutes at the top of every hour while the lighted trees on the Champs Élysée was absolutely magical.

If you think you’d like to go to Paris, do it! Your family will have wonderful memories for the rest of their lives.

Anonymous wrote:Start right away laying some groundwork. Message them super casually that it was nice to see everyone but boy are you all wiped out. Say “I’ve learned my lesson as the kids are getting older that we can’t keep up a week of festivities. We’ll chat again after New Year’s because I’m taking some downtime.” Then later in the year toss out “ before anyone starts planning logistics for the holidays. We just wanted to put it out there that we’re not planning to host such an extended event next year. We’d love to have everyone over for brunch on 12/x or a post-Christmas dinner on 12/x. If someone else would like to host, we’ll come to you before or after as well. We just prefer to have a low-key day this time around.”

This is good in theory but in reality it will just snowball to what OP is trying to avoid.

OP, you need a hard reset. Go away next year - take a vacation where you miss the week of Christmas. Then the year after, scale back to one event. Or maybe you'll decide you like the vacation plan so much more, you can be off the hook permanently.

Anonymous wrote:The easiest way to break free from this nonsense is to swing all the way in the other direction next year: plan a trip where you are gone the entire time. Spend Christmas elsewhere—Mexico, Vermont, wherever. Just don’t be home.

Then in 2025 you can be home and scale back to just hosting your immediate family or just one meal on Christmas Eve. No gifts for adults.

This.

I rented an Airbnb in Dorado PR a couple times. There’s a Ritz nearby.