We are low energy people but have a high energy (endless, really) three year old. The result is some form of benign neglect. He’s incredibly independent and capable.

Anonymous wrote:I decided not to have kids because of this!

I say good on you - you did not feel the need to "check a box"!

First of all, PPs, introvert and low energy are absolutely different. MIL is both, which means older kid (singular) raised younger kids (plural), and there are many issues to talk about in therapy, IF they would only attend (and admit that they need it).

My own mom positively did it all - great for her, not so great for me - work 9-5 FT (literally walked to an office job, in heels), plus gym for 2 hours five days per week, plus a super clean house, plus kids fed well (not just fed, but fed fresh foods - mostly home grown by dad) and attended to (ie: mom also knew seemingly everyone in the entire affluent town, so no getting away with anything, ever. Plus, was also related to many in town, or friends so close they were well known and connected and called family - deliberately, not randomly).

We always had friends over. Not prearranged groups, but 1:1 friends. My siblings and I joked that we hated the weekly grocery run with mom, because she knew everyone, they would stop her, and it would triple the time in the store. She was not a gossip, always something nice to say, usually about the kids. It was pleasant.

Our family was not perfect, but we were - we exist, and do so with passion and warmth. You get what you get.

So, while mom was a high energy extrovert, and MIL was a low energy introvert, the latter can really judge you harshly, like it or not, while the former is too busy to judge.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to find a happy medium....while being judged.....

Ladies, we need to support each other better. Life is not a p&ssing contest, but a jog. Like it or not, we are all running a very similar race. Surprise! No one wins!

I knew I was not cut out for three. I had planned to have an only and when we decided to go for a second, we timed it so they’d be five years apart.

The universe laughed. Spontaneous identical twins!

So— I’m tired. I’m always, always tired. And I have an amazing partner, could not ask for better. I’ve accepted that I will just be tired until I die, probably.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are two low-energy, ADHD parents with two elementary kids who both play travel sports.

I WFH, but regularly pull 50 hour work weeks. We eat a lot of pasta, scrambled eggs, carry-out, and Factor meals. Shell out for weekly house cleaners and lawn service, but our house still seems messy all the time. Have probably lost $500+ over the past year on online returns that didn't get mailed back by the deadline. No exercise but fortunately am also too busy to eat half the time. We desperately need to remodel our basement and bathroom, but can't ever get around to picking out finishes. Constant guilt about not volunteering enough at school or hosting enough playdates. Regularly stay up until 1:00 or 2:00am finishing work I couldn't get done during the day.

So, yeah...not feeling particularly successful at parenting or life in general.

Wuts a factor meal

Pre-prep meal delivery: https://www.factor75.com/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes I do understand that introvert does not always equal low energy. But in general having kids means you have to interact with a lot more people than if you didn’t have kids.

At a minimum you are interacting with their teachers, parents of their friends and probably coaches or something of that sort. Add in more activities and more friends it’s more people you have to interact with. Times the number of kids you have.

I think you're doing it wrong. I'm barely interacting with teachers or coaches or counselors. Parents of their friends? Mostly by text. We drop our kids off at the door and they run in to their activities. We don't do much hand-holding - maybe for the very first class of the season or if it's a new place or something. A wave and "thank you!" is all I've said to many of their coaches.

I struggle with my health so therefor low energy but that's pathetic that you don't ever talk to teachers or coaches. That's not low energy, that's lazy checked out parenting.

I go to the parent- teacher conference, but otherwise "no news is good news" to us. We don't need to rush up to the coach and ask how they think our kid is doing. We can just pick our kids up at the end of practice time and ask "did you have fun?" and leave it at that. We're not checked out at all.

I had two kids five years apart. I was a SAHM until the youngest was in school full time. I had a fenced yard for the dog to run around in. When I started working it was part time in the evenings and on weekends, my husband took care of the kids. Didn't go full time until the youngest was ten. Both my kids were and are great sleepers, did not get up early, were taught to be self sufficient as in get yourself some breakfast, get yourself dressed, etc. I went to all their sports games but I love that stuff. That's how I did it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes I do understand that introvert does not always equal low energy. But in general having kids means you have to interact with a lot more people than if you didn’t have kids.

At a minimum you are interacting with their teachers, parents of their friends and probably coaches or something of that sort. Add in more activities and more friends it’s more people you have to interact with. Times the number of kids you have.

I think you're doing it wrong. I'm barely interacting with teachers or coaches or counselors. Parents of their friends? Mostly by text. We drop our kids off at the door and they run in to their activities. We don't do much hand-holding - maybe for the very first class of the season or if it's a new place or something. A wave and "thank you!" is all I've said to many of their coaches.

I struggle with my health so therefor low energy but that's pathetic that you don't ever talk to teachers or coaches. That's not low energy, that's lazy checked out parenting.

IME, a lot of teachers and coaches really prefer minimal parent contact. What teachers generally want from parents is (1) Send your kid to school fed and rested and well-prepared to participate, (2) help kids at home with homework and building social skills and manners, (3) show up for parent-teacher conferences and be responsive to notes home or requests for help, and (4) otherwise leave them alone.

Very few teachers and coaches are like "gosh I really wish more of these parents would linger and make small talk with me every time the drop off or pick up their kid." I do know some who deal with a lot of parents who do this and quietly wish they wouldn't because it takes up time they'd like to spend setting up, packing up, or just taking a minute or two to themselves between the time they spend with kids, who ask a lot of them.

I decided not to have kids because of this!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes I do understand that introvert does not always equal low energy. But in general having kids means you have to interact with a lot more people than if you didn’t have kids.

At a minimum you are interacting with their teachers, parents of their friends and probably coaches or something of that sort. Add in more activities and more friends it’s more people you have to interact with. Times the number of kids you have.

I think you're doing it wrong. I'm barely interacting with teachers or coaches or counselors. Parents of their friends? Mostly by text. We drop our kids off at the door and they run in to their activities. We don't do much hand-holding - maybe for the very first class of the season or if it's a new place or something. A wave and "thank you!" is all I've said to many of their coaches.

I struggle with my health so therefor low energy but that's pathetic that you don't ever talk to teachers or coaches. That's not low energy, that's lazy checked out parenting.

Woah, judgy Nellie. Not the PP you were tearing apart, but it depends on the activity. Parents are not required to chat with an instructor at Dynamite Gym, for instance, who changes every cycle, and only sees your kid for 45 minutes a week in a group setting. But a private instrumental music teacher who gets to know your kid a lot more and whom you pay for years for one-on-one lessons? Yes, you have to interact and attend recitals.

Anonymous wrote:We are two low-energy, ADHD parents with two elementary kids who both play travel sports.

I WFH, but regularly pull 50 hour work weeks. We eat a lot of pasta, scrambled eggs, carry-out, and Factor meals. Shell out for weekly house cleaners and lawn service, but our house still seems messy all the time. Have probably lost $500+ over the past year on online returns that didn't get mailed back by the deadline. No exercise but fortunately am also too busy to eat half the time. We desperately need to remodel our basement and bathroom, but can't ever get around to picking out finishes. Constant guilt about not volunteering enough at school or hosting enough playdates. Regularly stay up until 1:00 or 2:00am finishing work I couldn't get done during the day.

So, yeah...not feeling particularly successful at parenting or life in general.

Wuts a factor meal

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I feel like from the minute I wake up at 6:30am until the minute the kids are finally asleep at 9pm I don’t have a single minute to myself. Either a kid needs something, someone at work needs something or my husband needs something. Or my dog needs something.

My only “me time” is working out 30 minutes a day. Or walking my dog and I can listen to a podcast.

It is exhausting day in and day out for the past decade.

You had three kids.

You have a dog.

You likely have a lifestyle that requires you and your DH to work FT in jobs that probably are fairly demanding, and you likely think you could never cut back at work, either because you need the money (for life now or college later), or because your jobs are an intrinsic part of your sense of self-worth and meaning in life.

Many, many people (actually most people in the world) don't have the same value system or personal goals you have. I have never once in my life wished I had three children. I come from a family with four kids and it was too many and my parents were overstretched. I like dogs but think they are too much work, especially when you also have a young child or two. I often make choices around work that are about enhancing free time and reducing stress, because that is how I choose to live and I only get one life.

I hope your life is fulfilling to you and your family, but it is myopic to think think that everyone strives for what you have, or feels inadequate if they don't have all the same stuff. You are busy because you have chosen that for yourself. It is not simply the way it has to work. You chose this.

This. A lot of people don't "do it," because they don't want "it." They make different choices because they have different values and priorities and beliefs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes I do understand that introvert does not always equal low energy. But in general having kids means you have to interact with a lot more people than if you didn’t have kids.

At a minimum you are interacting with their teachers, parents of their friends and probably coaches or something of that sort. Add in more activities and more friends it’s more people you have to interact with. Times the number of kids you have.

I think you're doing it wrong. I'm barely interacting with teachers or coaches or counselors. Parents of their friends? Mostly by text. We drop our kids off at the door and they run in to their activities. We don't do much hand-holding - maybe for the very first class of the season or if it's a new place or something. A wave and "thank you!" is all I've said to many of their coaches.

I struggle with my health so therefor low energy but that's pathetic that you don't ever talk to teachers or coaches. That's not low energy, that's lazy checked out parenting.

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes I do understand that introvert does not always equal low energy. But in general having kids means you have to interact with a lot more people than if you didn’t have kids.

At a minimum you are interacting with their teachers, parents of their friends and probably coaches or something of that sort. Add in more activities and more friends it’s more people you have to interact with. Times the number of kids you have.

I do find this aspect of parenting tiresome (and I'm introverted) but I also don't have a problem just being the "hi! bye!" parent at drop off, or handling teacher relationships largely via email. I generally do not find interacting with my kids' friends to be taxing (kids are so much easier than adults) and when I do find other parents taxing, I simply limit how much I talk to them (it's fine, everyone is busy and most people aren't actually dying to stand around talking to other parents).

Also, sometimes my introversion is a gift. I'm happy to set up or clean up after an event while other parents do more social activities. Many teachers are actually introverted themselves and I don't think they are dying to chat with me all day. I think my kid benefits from the fact that I don't socially engineer her friendships based on MY friendships with other parents. She likes a kid, we invite them over for a playdate. She hangs out with them at school. It has little to do with my social life. She has lots of friends and is happy. I'm never trying to convince her that so-and-so is great because I want to hang out with so-and-so's mom. Because I probably don't!

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes I do understand that introvert does not always equal low energy. But in general having kids means you have to interact with a lot more people than if you didn’t have kids.

At a minimum you are interacting with their teachers, parents of their friends and probably coaches or something of that sort. Add in more activities and more friends it’s more people you have to interact with. Times the number of kids you have.

I think you're doing it wrong. I'm barely interacting with teachers or coaches or counselors. Parents of their friends? Mostly by text. We drop our kids off at the door and they run in to their activities. We don't do much hand-holding - maybe for the very first class of the season or if it's a new place or something. A wave and "thank you!" is all I've said to many of their coaches.