Anonymous wrote:Times have changed. Women aren't all sitting home smoking all day planning social events and in law visits. We have jobs and busy lives. Husbands can step it up if they want but many don't so here we are.

We also don’t live a block away from the In laws or my side.

American has been quite mobile since WWII; this increases the need for communication and planning to get together. We all live in different states or countries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get along with my ILs but they are very different from my family. They are nice people and have treated me kindly but we don't have a lot in common. Early in our marriage I was more naggy with DH about having to visit and call his parents and siblings. But I stopped a few years ago. I just don't really enjoy it that much so why was I pushing so hard? DH can take the lead and when he wants to call and visit we do.

Again-- treating the in-laws like in-laws instead of like family is NOT the way to have a loving relationship.

Highly disagree.

Family- in an open, talkative, healthy family - is years of shared experiences, values, ups and downs and support. The good, the bad, the ugly.

You don’t snap your fingers and suddenly start dumping on your MIL who you only met a few times a year.

And likewise your MIL and FIL shouldn’t immediately start dumping on you since yours “insta-family” with her demands or need for support.

Maybe over time a sense of shared experiences results in a real family feel, but that takes years. And you have decades of that with your family of origin.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?

They also do not get along with their siblings, parents, children, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouse, neighbors, coworkers, friends, Taylor Swift, Meghan Markle.

EXACTLY. They are very demanding and difficult women.

Anonymous wrote:Often these relationships start off on the wrong foot. The first time I met my inlaws I was bright, smiley, knocked myself out to engage them in conversation, and they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. To them I was just some girl their son was "spending time" with, and I wasn't the first girlfriend he'd brought home. Eventually after a long time they realized I was sticking around and started to warm up but by then the die was cast.

That was their son’s fault for bringing home a bunch of floosies before you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

This attitude is why lots don't get along with their in-laws. People treat their in-laws like in-laws instead of like their own family. Good luck to you "Despite their son and I having a lot in common..."

Most people treat their own family like crap.

Why?

Because they can’t go anywhere.

Anonymous wrote:Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?

If there are frictions it’s due to one or both sides forcing their personal beliefs and ways of doing things on others.

So instead of healthy communications, suggesting ideas, and discussing it, and (gasp!) compromising, they do some unhealthy passive aggressive or avoidant or forcing thing.

Anonymous wrote:Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?

First off, it’s a forced relationship via marriage.

Second off, most people try to be civil and respectful.

Third off, everyone’s family and culture has their own norms. Some “norms” can be downright terrible and abusive, or driving by inherited mental disorders.

It takes a mature person to look at their family of origin’s “norms” and pick and choose what to keep, what to discard, what to change. And what’s downright wrong. But an adaptable, growing, mature person does just that everytime they meet someone.

You are your experiences.
You learn at home age 0-18 plus as school and from coach’s and from friends families. You realize there are other ways to doing things and are fine with that, adapt some as your own. You have roommates, significant others, coworkers, where you learn more and more.

The problem is the people set in their ways who never learn or grow or adapt. They are very difficult to live with or spend loads of time with.

I am polite to DW's dad but it is hard to get along with him because he has some really fringe beliefs, many of which are just factually incorrect. I am talking about views that go beyond the scope of Newsmax/OAN and are even more fringe than that. Not only does he believe these things but he insists they are correct even when presented with data to the contrary.

He also makes comments that just exceed the boundaries of what one adult should say to another. It is one thing to make a suggestion but one should respect when another adult does not adopt that suggestion.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even get along with DH, let alone his family.

Then why did you marry him?

They don’t really show any interest in our lives, but then want us to show up on command when they want to act “family-oriented” in front of their friends.

Before DH and I got engaged my SIL and FIL questioned whether he should marry me because they looked down on my family because my parents weren't college educated and my siblings didn't have jobs they deemed good enough. Oddly enough my parents were always extremely financially responsible and retired with a hell of a lot more money than my in-laws who now require financial assistance from their children. So for that I have always resented my in-laws and had no desire to have a relationship with them.

Anonymous wrote:My observation from this board is because they don’t want to. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and would never handle them the way this board always advises, which is to have DH communicate with them and not try hard to assimilate into their family.
That said, I don’t like my SIL. I would never be friends with her if I met her independently. But we’re family and I’m going to see her at holidays for my whole life, so I make a point to make small talk, catch up a bit and be pleasant but that’s about it.

That right there is what 95% of people on this board encourage OPs having a difficult time to do: don't try to force closeness, but do try to encourage cordiality and goodwill. I don't get what you don't get about that.

I also don't get what you don't get about the fact that 75% of people are Family Relationships responders/encouragers/trying to help-ers, not Original Posters. There are about 25% of people who have problems big enough to yammer about here. The majority of us have decent or good relationships with our own ILs, we're just trying to help people gain perspective, try a new strategy, commiserate but point in a positive direciton.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is pretty open about the fact that she doesn’t like me and would prefer for DH to leave me and take the kids to live with her. I try to be civil, but she’s not interested in a relationship with me. She says pretty horrible things about me and my family to other people (like a mom friend of mine at my kids bday party) and then complains to DH that she feels like we don’t want to invite her to things.

I have the same kind of MIL. She's treated me horribly and said hideous things to me, but when I avoid her I am accused of making her feel like I don't like her. I mean the woman hurled racial slurs to my face and tried (and still tries) to get DH to divorce me. But I'm the bad one for not pretending to like her in a convincing enough manner.

We don't live near them so only see them at most once or twice a year so that limits forming relationships. I also have nothing in common with my in-laws other than my husband. My MIL is the only one who has really welcomed. Everyone else has never taken any initiative to get to know me or welcome me into their family so I tolerate them when I have to but don't go out of my way to talk to them or spend time with them.

FWIW my husband doesn't even talk to his sister to not surprising that I don't have a relationship with her.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't get along with my MIL because she is a bully with no boundaries and thinks she has the right to run my household and do whatever she wants and treat everyone badly when she doesn't get her way.