Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 00:10     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. I'm moving to Europe. Caring for elderly is done by neighbors and social workers there.
That said, my two kids have about 10 relatives without children here in US. All will be 80-90 years old when my children are 50-60.


"Europe" is pretty broad. Is there a specific region/country where this happens? I have friends in several European countries (Belgium, Spain, Netherlands, Ireland, UK.) I've never directly asked them, but none of them have ever mentioned that they are expected to provide elder care for their neighbors.


My MIL in the UK is looked after by my BIL. My SIL visits and helps, but she is not the most practical person to look after MIL. No neighbors absolutely DO NOT look after the elderly in UK.

I read an article about an elderly lady who died in Italy and her body was discovered years later, so obviously no one checked in on her either.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/feb/08/italian-woman-found-dead-seated-at-table-mummified-state

Furthermore I lived in NL above a forgotten older lady. I would have helped her more but she was MEAN and shouted at children playing. She would come out specifically to tell me rotten things, like she didn't like my bicycle or stroller. So no neighbors were looking after her or anyone else there there either.

I think PP is is nuts thinking that neighbors look after each other in "Europe". I've lived in Germany, France, UK, and Netherlands. Literally, I've never seen this.

My Belgian sister in law was talking one time about how middle eastern people were better because they took care of parents, unlike Europeans.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 00:05     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
If you do, you should be aware of the statistics on familial elder abuse in the USA. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:29     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
It should be a guilt free choice for adult children, not a forced one as parents were adults who made their choice to have kids, no one forced them.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:26     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Kids didn't ask parents to birth and raise them so technically they have no responsibility but ethically they might feel responsible for taking care of people who spent their youth and money on their care for 18+ years.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:22     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
A friend of mine has 4 kids, she tells her eldest that he'll pay for youngest's college.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:21     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.


OK, your best bet here is a Confucian DIL. Chinese DILS take care of their ILs. Historically, that's why boys are so valued as a retirement asset in China - because they bring in the person who does all the actual household labor.
And that is why girls are not valued by their birth parents. Upon marriage, the girls become literally the property of the ILs. So parents look at their daughters as resource hogs who will eventually become someone else's property and asset. That's ancient China, but the sentiment has deep tentacles in the culture today.
Anyways, a Chinese DIL, meaning one with close ties her culture, not one of those Asian-Americans who thinks General Tsao's chicken is actually a Chinese dish, will treat her elderly with respect.



Gone are the days when DILs could be forced to become caretakers of ILs. If needed, their own kids should do it themselves, why delegate it to someone else's kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:21     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Yes and I tell them now (laughingly, wink wink) that they’ll have to take care of me when I’m old and senile. We laugh over it. I actually don’t mind senior living if that’s what it comes to. Who knows what my old cankerous self will say!
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:18     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:I was told i should try for a girl for this reason. I couldn’t believe my friend said this. Then she went on to say, well why else do you have kids…i guess some view their kids this way but I never have.


I doubt many literally expects their kids to be their caretakers but probably everyone hopes that in a any adversity in old age, kids would watch out for them.

On other side, nations and religions rely on future tax payers and donors.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:11     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.

In my culture the sons are expected to take care of their parents. The daughters are expected to serve their husband’s parents.


So the unmarried daughters have no responsibility? Interesting…

Maybe being a single lady isn’t so bad.


Weren't single women shunned by society, stoned or declared witches?
It's only recent decades that women could earn their own living. Prior to that, maybe she could grow some veggies and be self-sustaining but no way could she even sell foraged mushrooms at the market at the going rate. People just wouldn't make deals with a single woman.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 23:04     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:Well, I only have sons. I guess I should hope for a quick demise and not some lengthy illness.


OK, your best bet here is a Confucian DIL. Chinese DILS take care of their ILs. Historically, that's why boys are so valued as a retirement asset in China - because they bring in the person who does all the actual household labor.
And that is why girls are not valued by their birth parents. Upon marriage, the girls become literally the property of the ILs. So parents look at their daughters as resource hogs who will eventually become someone else's property and asset. That's ancient China, but the sentiment has deep tentacles in the culture today.
Anyways, a Chinese DIL, meaning one with close ties her culture, not one of those Asian-Americans who thinks General Tsao's chicken is actually a Chinese dish, will treat her elderly with respect.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 21:47     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:Most cultures aim for sons. It’s Americans who aim for girls in hopes of a future caretaker, but are still rolling the dice since the newer generations tend to move away from parents or are too busy to care.


Well it’s being proclaimed that women should be like men to the extent possible!
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 21:46     Subject: Re:Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Anonymous wrote:No. But I expect them to be my care coordinator when I’m past being able to coordinate.

I expect to have help managing my money (with the help of my financial manager), paying bills (with my money) and doing my taxes (coordinating with my tax accountant).


Same here! Except I am too poor for a manager or accountant. God bless TurboTax though.

This is actually the key thing kids should do for their parents. I am shocked at the amount of elderly vulnerable people whose kids are far away and too busy.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 21:34     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
I jokingly warn my kid he better put me in a the nicer nursing home when he’s causing me hassle. He also randomly asks me if he can have our (modest) house when I die.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 20:41     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
“Son preference has been demonstrated across all social classes, from "succession laws in royal families to land inheritance in peasant families." Sons are considered both a status symbol and a genetic and economic competitive advantage. Son preference can influence birth rates and thus population growth.”
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2023 20:39     Subject: Do you look at your kids as your future caretakers?
Most cultures aim for sons. It’s Americans who aim for girls in hopes of a future caretaker, but are still rolling the dice since the newer generations tend to move away from parents or are too busy to care.