Anonymous wrote:To the OP - I am going through something similar. I don’t think I will regret it. There have been some peripheral people in my life that have died. In these cases, there were times I chose to not show up to something or not be fully present because of work - I have zero idea what those work things were, but I do know that I thought I would catch my cousin the next time and the next time was his funeral.

Yes, when you look back you won’t remember the work things. But you will remember NOT being their or vice versa. You don’t want to make the wrong decisions now. If you have a conscience you will be haunted.

To the OP - I am going through something similar. I don’t think I will regret it. There have been some peripheral people in my life that have died. In these cases, there were times I chose to not show up to something or not be fully present because of work - I have zero idea what those work things were, but I do know that I thought I would catch my cousin the next time and the next time was his funeral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

And I disagree with you. You do you…as you will need to live the rest of your life with the decisions you made at the end of their life. I know I will be content with my decisions for my parents at the end of their life.

I have Zero guilt and never will. Only women are pressured into being martyrs for their parents. Men are never guilted into it. I am so tired of hearing what so many people say only to women and rarely or never to men- your kids are watching how you take of your parents so you should make them a priority over everything in your life.

I have told my kids repeatedly if I get dementia I really hope I realize it in time to go to Switzerland and end my life. I absolutely do not want to live to 90 and have no idea where I am and who my loved ones are and eventually how to walk and swallow. It’s such a miserable death. And I told my kids if I miss that window please under no circumstances sacrifice your life taking care of me. I would never in a million years wish the stress I have been through the 6 years taking care of a person with dementia. Now my mom is in the final stages I am prioritizing my husband and kids AND myself.

This digressed from OP’s issue with her mom. But OP really shouldn’t do any extra procedures. Just keep your mom as comfortable as she can be. I would send her back to where she was living with an aide. Or to a nursing home. She isn’t cognitively going to be able to do rehab. And the big problem is she isn’t going to remember she has a broken hip and is going to try and get up and walk. They can no longer restrain patients physically so they use chemical restraints and that’s why they gave her haldol. The hospital doesn’t want her falling and then they might have to report she was injured at the hospital.

Are you worried about abuse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I have watched both my parents do this at various times (but more my mother). They cared for their parents, and then for my aunt during the couple years she had cancer. She moved in with them and died in their home.

They are solidly on the other side of it now and really thriving and enjoying themselves. My mom was never super ambitious about her career but if she had been, she would have thrown herself into it again. My dad’s career has ebbed and flowed with family responsibilities but lately has been collaborative and fun for him. Their lives got a lot lighter once the intensive eldercare responsibilities ended.

Probably not a huge comfort to you now, so feel free to wallow in it. I am here for your pity party! This period isn’t forever and it will get better for you.

Sometimes the peace of mind we get from helping loved ones continues for years beyond. It seems like your parents have it. I hope, op, you will have it too. Peace of mind is a great gift.

And sometimes the stress of helping loved one through dementia/Alzheimers affects the caregiver detrimentally both physically and mentally. It can ruin relationships with other loved ones such as a spouse and children and affect their career. If you can care for a loved one and keep a balance and keep your peace of mind then by all means go for it. But there are too many people who are guilting women (it is usually always women) into sacrificing everything for an elderly relative. This is the only country in the world where every measure is taken to keep people in their late 80's and 90's alive. So the burden last so, so long for the person who is the caregiver or point person. Far, far longer than in any other country. And the drugs they have developed for Alzheimers/dementia prolong life without the patient getting any better.

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I have watched both my parents do this at various times (but more my mother). They cared for their parents, and then for my aunt during the couple years she had cancer. She moved in with them and died in their home.

They are solidly on the other side of it now and really thriving and enjoying themselves. My mom was never super ambitious about her career but if she had been, she would have thrown herself into it again. My dad’s career has ebbed and flowed with family responsibilities but lately has been collaborative and fun for him. Their lives got a lot lighter once the intensive eldercare responsibilities ended.

Probably not a huge comfort to you now, so feel free to wallow in it. I am here for your pity party! This period isn’t forever and it will get better for you.

Sometimes the peace of mind we get from helping loved ones continues for years beyond. It seems like your parents have it. I hope, op, you will have it too. Peace of mind is a great gift.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So maybe I'm an a*hole, but if your mom is not mentally there, why did you turn down this opportunity?

Yes you are a ahole.

Perhaps some people love their mothers and wish to spend valuable time with them.

It’s not valuable time, that opportunity has passed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

And I disagree with you. You do you…as you will need to live the rest of your life with the decisions you made at the end of their life. I know I will be content with my decisions for my parents at the end of their life.

I have Zero guilt and never will. Only women are pressured into being martyrs for their parents. Men are never guilted into it. I am so tired of hearing what so many people say only to women and rarely or never to men- your kids are watching how you take of your parents so you should make them a priority over everything in your life.

I have told my kids repeatedly if I get dementia I really hope I realize it in time to go to Switzerland and end my life. I absolutely do not want to live to 90 and have no idea where I am and who my loved ones are and eventually how to walk and swallow. It’s such a miserable death. And I told my kids if I miss that window please under no circumstances sacrifice your life taking care of me. I would never in a million years wish the stress I have been through the 6 years taking care of a person with dementia. Now my mom is in the final stages I am prioritizing my husband and kids AND myself.

This digressed from OP’s issue with her mom. But OP really shouldn’t do any extra procedures. Just keep your mom as comfortable as she can be. I would send her back to where she was living with an aide. Or to a nursing home. She isn’t cognitively going to be able to do rehab. And the big problem is she isn’t going to remember she has a broken hip and is going to try and get up and walk. They can no longer restrain patients physically so they use chemical restraints and that’s why they gave her haldol. The hospital doesn’t want her falling and then they might have to report she was injured at the hospital.

You do not know what they can remember. In the last stages they can understand what is going on but absolutely cannot communicate it. They cannot communicate their needs but can know that you are suddenly not around. Human brain is a miraculous thing. They are probably wondering why you abandoned them which is on you. Just know they know! If you can live with that then move on and quit trying to justify yourself. My experience is from significant time spent observing memory care facilities.

I don’t think this is necessarily true. My mom remembers bits and pieces but her concept of time is muddled and pretty much any time she’s in a hospital or rehab she has zero recollection of her time there even though I put my life on hold to make sure she’s not alone. The day to day time is a warp for her when she’s in her assisted living place. She’ll tell you I never visit and she never leaves her place but I’m there minimum twice a week and take her out every Friday for hours. Memory is a weird thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

And I disagree with you. You do you…as you will need to live the rest of your life with the decisions you made at the end of their life. I know I will be content with my decisions for my parents at the end of their life.

I have Zero guilt and never will. Only women are pressured into being martyrs for their parents. Men are never guilted into it. I am so tired of hearing what so many people say only to women and rarely or never to men- your kids are watching how you take of your parents so you should make them a priority over everything in your life.

I have told my kids repeatedly if I get dementia I really hope I realize it in time to go to Switzerland and end my life. I absolutely do not want to live to 90 and have no idea where I am and who my loved ones are and eventually how to walk and swallow. It’s such a miserable death. And I told my kids if I miss that window please under no circumstances sacrifice your life taking care of me. I would never in a million years wish the stress I have been through the 6 years taking care of a person with dementia. Now my mom is in the final stages I am prioritizing my husband and kids AND myself.

This digressed from OP’s issue with her mom. But OP really shouldn’t do any extra procedures. Just keep your mom as comfortable as she can be. I would send her back to where she was living with an aide. Or to a nursing home. She isn’t cognitively going to be able to do rehab. And the big problem is she isn’t going to remember she has a broken hip and is going to try and get up and walk. They can no longer restrain patients physically so they use chemical restraints and that’s why they gave her haldol. The hospital doesn’t want her falling and then they might have to report she was injured at the hospital.

Yes, I agree with this poster. I wanted to visit, but there was no need to break my back anymore so for me visiting less is what worked. I too want death with dignity. I agree women are pressured way more than men and women are the absolute worst to eachother. Also, OP not sure if you have siblings, but be prepared for them to not only not appreciate, but to be backseat drivers giving orders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

And I disagree with you. You do you…as you will need to live the rest of your life with the decisions you made at the end of their life. I know I will be content with my decisions for my parents at the end of their life.

I have Zero guilt and never will. Only women are pressured into being martyrs for their parents. Men are never guilted into it. I am so tired of hearing what so many people say only to women and rarely or never to men- your kids are watching how you take of your parents so you should make them a priority over everything in your life.

I have told my kids repeatedly if I get dementia I really hope I realize it in time to go to Switzerland and end my life. I absolutely do not want to live to 90 and have no idea where I am and who my loved ones are and eventually how to walk and swallow. It’s such a miserable death. And I told my kids if I miss that window please under no circumstances sacrifice your life taking care of me. I would never in a million years wish the stress I have been through the 6 years taking care of a person with dementia. Now my mom is in the final stages I am prioritizing my husband and kids AND myself.

This digressed from OP’s issue with her mom. But OP really shouldn’t do any extra procedures. Just keep your mom as comfortable as she can be. I would send her back to where she was living with an aide. Or to a nursing home. She isn’t cognitively going to be able to do rehab. And the big problem is she isn’t going to remember she has a broken hip and is going to try and get up and walk. They can no longer restrain patients physically so they use chemical restraints and that’s why they gave her haldol. The hospital doesn’t want her falling and then they might have to report she was injured at the hospital.

You do not know what they can remember. In the last stages they can understand what is going on but absolutely cannot communicate it. They cannot communicate their needs but can know that you are suddenly not around. Human brain is a miraculous thing. They are probably wondering why you abandoned them which is on you. Just know they know! If you can live with that then move on and quit trying to justify yourself. My experience is from significant time spent observing memory care facilities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

And I disagree with you. You do you…as you will need to live the rest of your life with the decisions you made at the end of their life. I know I will be content with my decisions for my parents at the end of their life.

I have Zero guilt and never will. Only women are pressured into being martyrs for their parents. Men are never guilted into it. I am so tired of hearing what so many people say only to women and rarely or never to men- your kids are watching how you take of your parents so you should make them a priority over everything in your life.

I have told my kids repeatedly if I get dementia I really hope I realize it in time to go to Switzerland and end my life. I absolutely do not want to live to 90 and have no idea where I am and who my loved ones are and eventually how to walk and swallow. It’s such a miserable death. And I told my kids if I miss that window please under no circumstances sacrifice your life taking care of me. I would never in a million years wish the stress I have been through the 6 years taking care of a person with dementia. Now my mom is in the final stages I am prioritizing my husband and kids AND myself.

This digressed from OP’s issue with her mom. But OP really shouldn’t do any extra procedures. Just keep your mom as comfortable as she can be. I would send her back to where she was living with an aide. Or to a nursing home. She isn’t cognitively going to be able to do rehab. And the big problem is she isn’t going to remember she has a broken hip and is going to try and get up and walk. They can no longer restrain patients physically so they use chemical restraints and that’s why they gave her haldol. The hospital doesn’t want her falling and then they might have to report she was injured at the hospital.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

This is the OP. I love my mom and even though she isn’t there some of the time some of the time she is. That is worth it enough for me. I’m not wealthy but she has the means to pay for her care so I don’t have to shoulder that burden.

For the person asking why I’m bothering. She’s my mom and she doesn’t have anyone else to take care of her. My dad is gone and my brother is on the other side of the country. I can’t just let her languish alone. Even though this situation is just horrible for me it’s so much worse for her. It took me a long time to come to terms with the changes but now I can look at her dementia like any other disease- it isn’t her fault, if she had a choice this would be the last thing she’d choose for herself and for me, she doesn’t want to be a burden but man this disease requires a lot of care.

Her personality changes started awhile back. I’d say she’s stage 5 creeping quickly into stage 6. And as of this morning when I came over to help her prep for a PT eval she was naked on the floor and couldn’t tell anyone how she got there. We got her onto the couch where she fell asleep and as soon as she wakes I know I’m going to have to call an ambulance- prior to falling asleep she wanted to use the rest room but was in too much pain to stand up. Pretty sure she fell and hurt herself but I’m going to let her sleep because I think it’s going to be a very long day or two or three. So this is my life for now.

And OP, this too shall pass. Cherish the time with your mom. Be grateful that you had a choice and could afford to choose the path that is right for you any your mom at this time. Sending hugs your way and a prayer from a stranger!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

You now rarely visit? How cold and you should have guilt. Disgusting.

If her mom is being well cared for, what is so bad about rarely visiting? I try to visit my mom once a week but honestly it doesn't really improve her day much and since she has no memory she neither looks forward to my visits nor fondly remembers them afterward. And she does not know who I am so it does not feel like a family visit to her. I pay someone to check in on her several times a week for a few hours. That person is my eyes and ears.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

And I disagree with you. You do you…as you will need to live the rest of your life with the decisions you made at the end of their life. I know I will be content with my decisions for my parents at the end of their life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.

Different poster and you make an important point about things we don't discuss enough. Sometimes pulling back is best for everyone as long as you make sure the person is cared for based on their needs at that stage and toward the end we really think about if the person wants lifesaving measures with no quality of life.

The nature of my relationship with my dad and the way he aged was that I could be there at every stage and he wanted me there. My has aged differently. My mother was always difficult, but I figured out how to have a friendly relationship at most stages of life and not expect emotional support or fairness. Strangely enough my mother could feign being quite supportive to nieces and nephews and usually siblings too and then badmouth them behind their backs. My mother now in her 80s gets extremely agitated by my presence. It has gotten progressively worse over the years and I have stepped back to protect myself and my family. We now have a very distant relationship. The sad thing is she yearns to hurl insults at me. So while I do feel it's best for both of I have a distant relationship and let her be around those who bring out her best, she tries to manipulate those people into dragging me in by telling sob stories and when that doesn't work she makes up she is worried about me and thinks I have changed and they need to find out what is wrong with me. She has a strong desire to release all her pent up rage on me. A lot of that rage is displaced-siblings divorce case hits a bump or other sibling gets fired or cousin doesn't have time for her calls-rage at me.So on the one hand she desperately craves a release for the rage, on the other hand, I do think it is best for all for her to have professionals involved in her care and visits from people who bring out a nicer side. I don't think her body could handle the level of agitation that floods her seeing me more often and I don't want to risk ever giving back to her even a fraction of what she throws my way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are assuming your mom might have a year or 2 left and that you are wealthy enough for sayings like "you will never wish you had worked more. You will wish you had more time with your mom." Be prepared that they can live a very long time in an ever-worsening state and there could be some scary personality changes.

100%

At some point it won’t require the day to day right? Because they’ll be far gone enough to not know one way or the other how often someone has visited or for how long, correct?

Yes and because of this is when they need the most support. They need an advocate at their most vulnerable period. Apparently you hate hearing this but it is true.

I disagree. My mother has dementia and in the early stages we took her on cruises with her family including grandkids. Spent a lot of time with her when she knew who we were and could at least remember some things. I took my kids to visit several times a week. Now she is in the ending stages. and I rarely visit. I have no guilt about it and I don’t think it makes a difference. It just seems to interrupt her routine. What does she need an advocate for at this stage? No one should have to suffer through end stage dementia. It’s cruel for the suffering person and their family.