Anonymous
12/13/2023 11:05
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.
TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe.
It’s much more often that men view sex as a tool or transaction in that they feel entitled to the amount & type of sex that they want, as opposed to recognizing that their partner is an autonomous being with a sex drive that is not good or bad. IMO the root of a lot of sexless marriages is men who start to pressure and show disdain for their wive’s perfectly healthy sex drives, eg, demanding that sex be 3x/week instead of 1x/week. And of course for most women, a bad relationship also spells the end of sex, even if they have substantial libido. So basically a man who wants a long-term sexual relationship really needs to work on prioritizing his wife’s preferences and gaining maturity to understand that sex can still be good even if it’s not exactly what he wants.
On the female side, I do think a lot of women even today are strongly acculturated into deferring to the male sex drive and preferences, instead of being assertive about what they want. There is a LOT of shame about getting what you want, about being defective because you don’t come like a p*rn star, etc. So women need to really own what they like INCLUDING if it’s “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have great sex once a week and then in between we can take care of you.”
Anonymous
12/13/2023 10:56
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
General advice:
Be aware that both partners' libidos will rise and fall over time. Don't let your mind panic and turn every single "dry spell" into a catastrophic "Oh my god, dead bedroom, I'll get sex outside the marriage" thing--a knee-jerk reaction that some people on this forum always seem to have. Things will change with age; work stresses; having kids; etc. Know that at the outset so you're not surprised or angry when you realize you're not having the sex you want. Then proactively ask, "What's stressing us/me/you out and affecting our sex lives?"
TALK about sex. Talk about dry spells rather than wishing and hoping your spouse will simply figure out you're frustrated. Talk before you reach the point of frustration. If your partner isn't a talker, you need them to be, and don't be afraid to get outside help like couples therapy or sex therapy if communication is truly bad. I'm amazed how many posts here seem to be from people who just hope their spouses will magically realize they want more sex, or different sex, and who don't want to tell their spouses that.
I’m also amazed that some people unilaterally decide not to have sex and magically expect their spouses to be okay and remain sexless
Anonymous
12/13/2023 10:43
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Man - that thing where the husband feels bad about sex decreasing and wants to know why; the wife responds by feeling pressured and having sex she doesn't want to, leading to even less and worse sex. *That's* the danger of talking about sex. Communication is not always the key. In that scenario, if DH had just waited it out, the couple's sex life probably would have been better than it was as a result of his effort to talk about it.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 10:31
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.
TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe.
It’s much more often that men view sex as a tool or transaction in that they feel entitled to the amount & type of sex that they want, as opposed to recognizing that their partner is an autonomous being with a sex drive that is not good or bad. IMO the root of a lot of sexless marriages is men who start to pressure and show disdain for their wive’s perfectly healthy sex drives, eg, demanding that sex be 3x/week instead of 1x/week. And of course for most women, a bad relationship also spells the end of sex, even if they have substantial libido. So basically a man who wants a long-term sexual relationship really needs to work on prioritizing his wife’s preferences and gaining maturity to understand that sex can still be good even if it’s not exactly what he wants.
On the female side, I do think a lot of women even today are strongly acculturated into deferring to the male sex drive and preferences, instead of being assertive about what they want. There is a LOT of shame about getting what you want, about being defective because you don’t come like a p*rn star, etc. So women need to really own what they like INCLUDING if it’s “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have great sex once a week and then in between we can take care of you.”
Wow this is so my relationship. We aren't sexless, but we don't have a lot of sex. Sex used to be fun and I used to initiate a lot, but I went through a time where I was really depressed and our frequency went down to once a week. My husband demanded to know why and told me that our lower frequency made him feel bad. Instead of doing the emotionally healthy thing and just saying "hey, I love you, and once a week is where I'm at" I tried everything under the sun to get myself in the mood and even sort of forced myself to have sex with him when I really, really didn't want to. Between that and him acting pouty when I wasn't in the mood, I felt used. I felt like if my own feelings and desires were so unimportant to him, and he wasn't otherwise trying to get close to me, he was basically using my body for his own desires. (Also during this time he was just being kind of a jerk to me)
My sex drive sort of naturally bounced back when I overcame my depression and our marriage is in a better place, but I never felt the same way about intimacy with my husband. It is just not this fun, light thing anymore. I do want more sex but there is too much baggage in my relationship for it to be frequent. Now I think my husband would be thrilled with once a week.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 10:16
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Überlube is your friend.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 10:14
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.
TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe.
It’s much more often that men view sex as a tool or transaction in that they feel entitled to the amount & type of sex that they want, as opposed to recognizing that their partner is an autonomous being with a sex drive that is not good or bad. IMO the root of a lot of sexless marriages is men who start to pressure and show disdain for their wive’s perfectly healthy sex drives, eg, demanding that sex be 3x/week instead of 1x/week. And of course for most women, a bad relationship also spells the end of sex, even if they have substantial libido. So basically a man who wants a long-term sexual relationship really needs to work on prioritizing his wife’s preferences and gaining maturity to understand that sex can still be good even if it’s not exactly what he wants.
On the female side, I do think a lot of women even today are strongly acculturated into deferring to the male sex drive and preferences, instead of being assertive about what they want. There is a LOT of shame about getting what you want, about being defective because you don’t come like a p*rn star, etc. So women need to really own what they like INCLUDING if it’s “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have great sex once a week and then in between we can take care of you.”
Anonymous
12/13/2023 10:06
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.
TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe.
Oops. Posted before I was finished.
Before marriage, we both had a lot of experience - yes, with one night stands with poor people, rude PP. Sex that existed purely because we wanted to - not because of a relationship that had an expectation - helped both of us to learn what we liked and get good at it. Sex is not a tool of manipulation or a change agent in our relationship - no one is giving anyone sex and expecting any particular action as a result. I think it is helpful that we have similar histories because there are few one-sided issues and assumptions. There is a lot of smack talked about one night stands, but it's a way for a person to learn sexually without the responsibility of a relationship to maintain. DH and I have been through various physical problems and relational problems, but we always come back to "this is something we like in general and we like doing it together" and it usually becomes a stress reliever for both of us.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 09:58
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.
TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 09:33
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!
Why add the "..gasp" to the end of your statement? The idea that sex becomes less important to some women as they age is a valid opinion that OP would be wise to consider. But then you have to get shitty about it for some reason.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 09:31
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
General advice:
TALK about sex. Talk about dry spells rather than wishing and hoping your spouse will simply figure out you're frustrated. Talk before you reach the point of frustration. If your partner isn't a talker, you need them to be, and don't be afraid to get outside help like couples therapy or sex therapy if communication is truly bad. I'm amazed how many posts here seem to be from people who just hope their spouses will magically realize they want more sex, or different sex, and who don't want to tell their spouses that.
“Yes, it’s a dry spell, because I’m just not interested. I think it’s going to stay that way for a long while.”
Is this what you mean by talking?
Hah. Not nice of you to eavesdrop on me and my wife.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 09:05
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!
Likewise, at some point monogamy is unimportant. Decide which one matters to you, sex or monogamy. Note that your choice may result in a different choice for your partner. As you said, Gasp!
Anonymous
12/13/2023 08:02
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!
This is why civilized cultures accept affairs.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 08:00
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.
It's not, but you have to raise the stakes, giving gifts in exchange for regular sex, above in beyond what you provide anyway. (Not one big gift that you hope lasts a whole year, like a house)
Anonymous
12/13/2023 07:58
Subject: How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?
Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.
Anonymous
12/13/2023 07:55
Subject: Re:How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"This is the root of it for perimenopausal+ couples, and men need to understand this reality. Hormones are gone, which means the old 'turned on' feeling is nil or hard to gin up, and the physical changes to the female body for some women can mean that PIV results in bleeding, shredding of tissues and pain for days or weeks after. Not exactly a turn on. Then there is the gas, bloating, incontinence, etc. Also not sexy. HRT can help some, but the relationship and intimacy need to adapt to the new reality. It isn't inevitable, doesn't happen to everyone, but it's very normal, so be prepared."
I really don't think this is the norm at all. This sort of thing calls for medical intervention.
+1. Let that same “dry and painful” sex happen with a new lover for that woman and she’ll be slippery as a snail. It’s monogamy.
Well duh, new is exciting but eventually new is not new anymore. For many of us, we’ll take the boringness monogamy over STIs and multiple partners.
2 partners is not high risk for STI