Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:55     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
I guess I do.

I also take sick days for the kids and he never says jack squat. Nor volunteers to do so himself.

He really has no idea what’s going on with me, the kids or the house. And he never seemed to care. So I’d be shocked if he cared about me taking PTO. He doesn’t even know when I have work dinners; kids manage themselves.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:52     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
I have absolutely extended a work trip an extra night to lay in bed eating chips and watching TV. I probably could’ve caught a night flight home, but why not decompress and fly in the morning?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:51     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?


Do... what? Like I said I will tell him in the future (because enough people think I should) but what am I doing to him?


Misleading him.

Lying to him.

Undermining his ability to trust you.

Blaming him for your decision to mislead him.

Now, playing the innocent "who me?" victim.

Your excuses don't make sense at all.


This is a psychotic response. She simply took a day off to relax at home and didn't tell him first. It’s nbd
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:48     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?


Do... what? Like I said I will tell him in the future (because enough people think I should) but what am I doing to him?


Misleading him.

Lying to him.

Undermining his ability to trust you.

Blaming him for your decision to mislead him.

Now, playing the innocent "who me?" victim.




Your excuses don't make sense at all.



You sound crazy.

DP. I take time off all the time without telling my DH. I mean he doesn’t tell me either. Unless we have something planned, we rarely spend our days off together. We got $hit to do (separately). I took off Thanksgiving week Monday-Wednesday and DH didn’t figure it out until Wednesday afternoon.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:38     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).


You sound really controlling.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:36     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Unless we’re planning on doing something together, I rarely know in advance when he is on PTO.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:24     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
I've done this back in the day when we both worked outside the house because me taking the day off wasn't relevant to her in any way. But now that she works from home I tell her since we might plan lunch together or something like that.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 15:03     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Why can't you tell him you want a day to yourself? You're a grown up, use your words, and also schedule days where you both take off and have a day together.


This. That’s what it means to be married. Think of PTO as a form of income (which it is- paid time off). If you wanted to stay single financially, why did you get married?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 14:26     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?


Because OP is a passive aggressive manipulative liar. And that's the best case scenario. She doesn't take any responsibility for her decision to mislead or lie. It's always her husband's fault.

She knows she is kind of lazy and makes her husbands high energy approach a negative and her lassitude is a positive trait.

Everything is all twisted around. Likely she is a covert narcissist.


Holy crap, do you need a nap and a snack? This is unhinged commentary.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 14:25     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?


Do... what? Like I said I will tell him in the future (because enough people think I should) but what am I doing to him?


Misleading him.

Lying to him.

Undermining his ability to trust you.

Blaming him for your decision to mislead him.

Now, playing the innocent "who me?" victim.

Your excuses don't make sense at all.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 14:22     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?


Because OP is a passive aggressive manipulative liar. And that's the best case scenario. She doesn't take any responsibility for her decision to mislead or lie. It's always her husband's fault.

She knows she is kind of lazy and makes her husbands high energy approach a negative and her lassitude is a positive trait.

Everything is all twisted around. Likely she is a covert narcissist.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 14:05     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:That's exactly why I don't tell DH when I take a day off sometimes. He always wants to hijack it and impose his hobby on us and bill it as OUR time, but I just want my own down time.

So I've done the not telling thing, and I've done the telling but setting firm boundaries: no I don't want to spend it on your hobby on my day off; I just want to see a movie that you don't care about.

Either way, I feel zero guilt.


Yup, this is my DH too.

I use my PTO says usually to run errands and get things done. DH will want to take off too and tag along with me. Which will entail stops at Home Depot, Costco when we don't need anything, or helping him clean the gutters, etc. Luckily my DH travels for work often so that's when I take my days off.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 14:00     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?


Do... what? Like I said I will tell him in the future (because enough people think I should) but what am I doing to him?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 13:51     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 13:48     Subject: Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).


Yes, I (OP) agree it’s a lie of omission. If I thought I could just say “hey, taking the day off to veg on the couch” and his response would be “cool, enjoy” I would!


Yes; this is your problem. He is too clingy and controlling. You need to be able to take a day off and do what you want. I can see how your husband might have been surprised you didn’t tell him so this is a perfect time to say that you need him to react differently next time. You could also try something like, “Work has been so stressful. I’m going to look for a quiet day in the next few weeks to take off and take care of myself.”

And if he asks you to let him know so that he can take off with you, you need to shut that down but soften it like, “Hon, let’s plan a day after the kids go back to school in Jan to do something together. I really do need a day off just me this time.”


OP here, I think this is basically what I'm going to tell him tonight. Going forward I'll tell him if I have a day off but if I want to be alone and/or be non-productive on my day off, I expect him to respect that. I think part of this is he's just wired differently. He is generally higher-energy than I am (and has the less stressful job though he does make more) so the prospect of laying around the house all day holds no appeal to him. What another PP said along the lines of "we're so busy I wouldn't waste spouse's time taking a day off to do nothing) is something he would say.