Anonymous wrote:When my brother was about to become an empty nester he and his wife decided to build a new home and part of his rationale was if she didn’t have a big project to keep her busy she would drive him nuts. From beginning to end it took about 4-5:years. Now they are building a vacation home and I swear it’s for the same reason. I don’t see them heading to divorce someday but he is spending millions to keep her busy.

What makes me shake my head about this scenario is that if she and he had priorities beyond themselves, she would take all that energy and "doing" that he seems to find irksome, and she'd expend it on volunteering or helping others or something outside herself and her nest. And he would suggest and encourage that, both to channel her energy and to, oh, help put some good out into the world. Beyond the "good" of keeping lots of builders employed. What a waste of money and time, just to "keep her busy."

This seems applying to me. We are in the 80% of completion n I think we will end up divorce. I don’t know if I want to leave with him after all these stressful things go away. I feel sad to think about divorce but I don’t feel happy to live with him either. And I’m sure he is not happy with me. Maybe we have 4 kids together and they are still too young and that hold us on. Yet we have a lawsuit from the house too. Very stressful situations that our talks are very tension n difficult. We fight in every conversation. What is your guess or think what I should do?

Building a new home for the first time can be incredibly stressful and puts enormous strain on a marriage that is struggling. When we built a winter home our marriage was solid and my husband really stayed out of it. His only involvement was in the architecture plans, where he really added value, and in the funding. Except for the paint color and build out of his office he stayed out of it….thank God! But, I was very thoughtful in always thinking about how he would feel about something and since we have similar taste it was pretty easy. He didn’t see it for the last 7-8 months of the build but when it was done he loved it. Again, thank God! Two type A people building a house can be a train wreck.

When my brother was about to become an empty nester he and his wife decided to build a new home and part of his rationale was if she didn’t have a big project to keep her busy she would drive him nuts. From beginning to end it took about 4-5:years. Now they are building a vacation home and I swear it’s for the same reason. I don’t see them heading to divorce someday but he is spending millions to keep her busy.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s similar to the couples who have a third baby and then divorce. They think some external factor like a house or baby will save a failing marriage… then it doesn’t.

Maybe the 3rd is an accident and this pushes them to much higher stress levels

I don't know. I did the opposite. Renovated after the divorce with a refinance. The house was old and I wanted it to look different. I doubt a renovation would have saved the marriage either way. Maybe a lot of these stores are related to covid? A lot of people did renovations then and maybe it added to the stress.

Anonymous wrote:Building a home often results in divorce

I hope not. My sister has been going mad just with the architects (?) already…

Anonymous wrote:Building a home often results in divorce

Especially if one spouse seeks to not lift a finger on the buy, design, construction, packing or set up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple that’s moved every few years snd based on the stories snd what they’ve shared, they move every time the marriage is on the rocks. He cheats, they move. So maybe they’re onto something. Refresh the housing to save the marriage. Maybe that’s what OP’s observing but it doesn’t always work.,

Interesting! That might be what is happening with one of the couples I know of--especially because she 'entertains' them at home. I could see the house being a 'non-safe space' for her spouse after that.

They recently upped and left all of their friends and family to set up in a new location far away from everyone. No kids, either, so perhaps that makes it easier. They don’t have any ties where they landed. He’s known to have a big wandering eye though, so I’m sure he’ll eventually bring some drama into their lives.

I think the wife is trying to set herself up for her new life (without the husband) in the house of her dreams. Unfortunately, at time of divorce many will not be able to buy him out or keep up mortgage payments. For those with $$$, she gets the brand new house upon settlement. Yes- I do know of some women that think like this and already have a replacement in mind. I also know some cheating men that under, 'give the wife whatever she wants' so she doesn't look to closely to see what he's doing on the side. Then, it's discovered and it blows up right after they are in their new construction.

Building a home often results in divorce

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple that’s moved every few years snd based on the stories snd what they’ve shared, they move every time the marriage is on the rocks. He cheats, they move. So maybe they’re onto something. Refresh the housing to save the marriage. Maybe that’s what OP’s observing but it doesn’t always work.,

Interesting! That might be what is happening with one of the couples I know of--especially because she 'entertains' them at home. I could see the house being a 'non-safe space' for her spouse after that.

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend with a rocky marriage and they bought a new house and just spent hundreds of thousands with a decorator. I don’t think their marriage will last.

I don’t think it has anything to do with the new home. Their marriage has always been bad. Once kids are older, they will have nothing left to keep them together.

It's like the people that think a new baby will save the marriage when it just adds more stress to a couple that isn't on solid ground.

Agree. The marriage was always bad.

Then a big move and the checked out spouse dumps on the primary parent or spouse worse than ever and things spiral down even more.

The deadbeat spouse doesn’t have the wherewithal to set up a new house or make friends or grow as a person so just gets more checked out.

The functional spouse is made the “bad guy” and blamed for everything, including the move and new build.

Things further deteriorate until the deadbeat spouses’ passive aggressiveness or outright anger forces the other to file for divorce.

I have a friend with a rocky marriage and they bought a new house and just spent hundreds of thousands with a decorator. I don’t think their marriage will last.

I don’t think it has anything to do with the new home. Their marriage has always been bad. Once kids are older, they will have nothing left to keep them together.