Anonymous
12/05/2023 15:29
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Maybe academically he will do much better than D3. Why go to a crap school just to play your sport a little bit longer?
There are D3 schools which are much better academically than many D1’s. D3 is only a measure of the academic program (funding) and has nothing to do with academics
+1. MIT, Caltech, Johns Hopkins, university of Chicago, NYU, are examples of d3 soccer teams.
Anonymous
12/05/2023 15:15
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Maybe academically he will do much better than D3. Why go to a crap school just to play your sport a little bit longer?
There are D3 schools which are much better academically than many D1’s. D3 is only a measure of the academic program (funding) and has nothing to do with academics
Anonymous
12/05/2023 14:07
Subject: Quitting Soccer
1. You need to find the reason why he wants to quit travel. This is important and you should have a strong enough relationship with your child to have this discussion
2. There's a lot going on in high school. Travel takes up a lot of time. He may want to focus more on what he's interested in. Anyone who is involved in travel knows it's a MASSIVE time commitment. Don't be surprised if he just wants time back.
3. Speak with the travel team coach. Get feedback and discuss. No, you likely will not get funds back.
4. Him quitting on his travel team mid season is poor sportsmanship and overall bad integrity. If he wants to stop after the season is over that's different.
GL.
2. There's a lot going on in high school. Travel takes up a lot of time. He may want to focus more on what he's interested in. Anyone who is involved in travel knows it's a MASSIVE time commitment. Don't be surprised if he just wants time back.
3. Speak with the travel team coach. Get feedback and discuss. No, you likely will not get funds back.
4. Him quitting on his travel team mid season is poor sportsmanship and overall bad integrity. If he wants to stop after the season is over that's different.
GL.
Anonymous
12/05/2023 08:07
Subject: Re:Quitting Soccer
OP Here: He told us a little bit more about why he quit - he and his coach got into an argument over his playing time (son thought he deserved more, the coach was only playing the same kids over and over never giving time to others even if they "proved" themselves in practice). Glad to know the reason, not sure he handled it in the best way but it's his decision. He's looking to get extra hours at his job to fill the time gap. He said he knows he will miss the level of competition that travel soccer brings and will likely try to find another team to play for after the high school season is over.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 22:06
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Maybe academically he will do much better than D3. Why go to a crap school just to play your sport a little bit longer?
Anonymous
12/04/2023 21:31
Subject: Re:Quitting Soccer
My son wanted to quit when he started high school. He said he only wanted to play high school soccer. I'm sure the stress of travel soccer was the cause, and it's fine. He's in 10th grade now. He plays soccer in the Fall for school, and he does a Recreational league in the Spring. During the winter, and the non-practice days in the Spring, he stays after school with his friends and plays soccer. He still loves the sport. Leaving travel was hardest on my husband and I, then for him.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 19:35
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Mine also decided to quit. In his case, we known why. The fall HS season was incredibly stressful. The coach was terrible to all the players (this was unrelated to playing time) and he became anxious and depressed. We decided to let him quit. We hope he will miss it enough to go back to travel once he has had time to think about it but are also ok if he doesn’t. We won’t make him pay the money we lost. Our concern is he doesn’t have a lot else going on unlike your son OP. His entire world was soccer and school. 75% of his friends played soccer. We don’t want him to become isolated. He said he’d get a job but hasn’t been able to find one yet. On the bright side, he’s now crushing it in school.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 18:02
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to make him pay it back unless you explicitly told him before writing the check that that’s what the deal would be. If you had, he may have made a different decision. It’s a sunk cost and your relationship with your kid is what’s important here.
If the reason for his quitting his burnout, then I agree with you. Of course, the fact that he has never complained about playing and up until yesterday loved the sport and his team is part of the mystery. If it was a knee-jerk reaction to something that needs to be resolved with his team, coach etc then I think having him work through that is important (as is possibly paying back the unusable fees). Life and your actions have consequences. I don't think asking him to repay the cost sinks our relationship - it sets a boundary and a level of responsibility.
I disagree-needless strife with a 16 year old who likely has a reason that makes sense to him is causing trouble for no reason. But you do you!
Boy if I used this approach my kid would never be held accountable for anything. Yes, I think it's important to pick your battles with a teen but not to avoid something that needs to be addressed. In this case, it sounds like the OP feels like the teen's decision was hasty and needs more clarity and possibly some consequences. Probably more to the story and more about how the kid handles situations. I think giving the kid some time to react to their decision is important. Kids' mental health and wellness are vital to monitor. As a parent its tough to strike the right balance of support and involvement and stepping back.
Well then op should have told him before signing up what consequence would be for stopping mid season-if op did that then it makes sense to stick with that, of course. If op didn’t and is now springing it on the kid, that seems needlessly harsh. I’d focus less on “teaching him a lesson” than on understanding what the problem is.
I agree, and decided if it even is a problem. Kids need to do what is best for them with their free time, not what you think is best for them. Playing competitive soccer is not a requirement of being a kid. Going to school, helping around the house, being a good human, yes. Sports, no.
So if in theory my kid decided that selling drugs and stealing cars was what was best for them would I just let them because that is what they decided? I don't think the OP is saying he has to play soccer, it sounds like they were surprised they quit and wanted to know why. If the reason warranted it then talk about consequences. I also doubt that most parts go into any activity their kids are doing and say "if you quit you pay". Things unfold in ways you can imagine, if this were me I'd focus on the why first then decide if the why deserved more attention. But if my kid loves something and just up and quit - regardless of whether is a sport, music or a job there needs to be a conversation. To me that is how you head into being an adult.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 17:00
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to make him pay it back unless you explicitly told him before writing the check that that’s what the deal would be. If you had, he may have made a different decision. It’s a sunk cost and your relationship with your kid is what’s important here.
If the reason for his quitting his burnout, then I agree with you. Of course, the fact that he has never complained about playing and up until yesterday loved the sport and his team is part of the mystery. If it was a knee-jerk reaction to something that needs to be resolved with his team, coach etc then I think having him work through that is important (as is possibly paying back the unusable fees). Life and your actions have consequences. I don't think asking him to repay the cost sinks our relationship - it sets a boundary and a level of responsibility.
I disagree-needless strife with a 16 year old who likely has a reason that makes sense to him is causing trouble for no reason. But you do you!
Boy if I used this approach my kid would never be held accountable for anything. Yes, I think it's important to pick your battles with a teen but not to avoid something that needs to be addressed. In this case, it sounds like the OP feels like the teen's decision was hasty and needs more clarity and possibly some consequences. Probably more to the story and more about how the kid handles situations. I think giving the kid some time to react to their decision is important. Kids' mental health and wellness are vital to monitor. As a parent its tough to strike the right balance of support and involvement and stepping back.
Well then op should have told him before signing up what consequence would be for stopping mid season-if op did that then it makes sense to stick with that, of course. If op didn’t and is now springing it on the kid, that seems needlessly harsh. I’d focus less on “teaching him a lesson” than on understanding what the problem is.
I agree, and decided if it even is a problem. Kids need to do what is best for them with their free time, not what you think is best for them. Playing competitive soccer is not a requirement of being a kid. Going to school, helping around the house, being a good human, yes. Sports, no.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 16:43
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to make him pay it back unless you explicitly told him before writing the check that that’s what the deal would be. If you had, he may have made a different decision. It’s a sunk cost and your relationship with your kid is what’s important here.
If the reason for his quitting his burnout, then I agree with you. Of course, the fact that he has never complained about playing and up until yesterday loved the sport and his team is part of the mystery. If it was a knee-jerk reaction to something that needs to be resolved with his team, coach etc then I think having him work through that is important (as is possibly paying back the unusable fees). Life and your actions have consequences. I don't think asking him to repay the cost sinks our relationship - it sets a boundary and a level of responsibility.
I disagree-needless strife with a 16 year old who likely has a reason that makes sense to him is causing trouble for no reason. But you do you!
Boy if I used this approach my kid would never be held accountable for anything. Yes, I think it's important to pick your battles with a teen but not to avoid something that needs to be addressed. In this case, it sounds like the OP feels like the teen's decision was hasty and needs more clarity and possibly some consequences. Probably more to the story and more about how the kid handles situations. I think giving the kid some time to react to their decision is important. Kids' mental health and wellness are vital to monitor. As a parent its tough to strike the right balance of support and involvement and stepping back.
Well then op should have told him before signing up what consequence would be for stopping mid season-if op did that then it makes sense to stick with that, of course. If op didn’t and is now springing it on the kid, that seems needlessly harsh. I’d focus less on “teaching him a lesson” than on understanding what the problem is.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 15:27
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to make him pay it back unless you explicitly told him before writing the check that that’s what the deal would be. If you had, he may have made a different decision. It’s a sunk cost and your relationship with your kid is what’s important here.
If the reason for his quitting his burnout, then I agree with you. Of course, the fact that he has never complained about playing and up until yesterday loved the sport and his team is part of the mystery. If it was a knee-jerk reaction to something that needs to be resolved with his team, coach etc then I think having him work through that is important (as is possibly paying back the unusable fees). Life and your actions have consequences. I don't think asking him to repay the cost sinks our relationship - it sets a boundary and a level of responsibility.
I disagree-needless strife with a 16 year old who likely has a reason that makes sense to him is causing trouble for no reason. But you do you!
Boy if I used this approach my kid would never be held accountable for anything. Yes, I think it's important to pick your battles with a teen but not to avoid something that needs to be addressed. In this case, it sounds like the OP feels like the teen's decision was hasty and needs more clarity and possibly some consequences. Probably more to the story and more about how the kid handles situations. I think giving the kid some time to react to their decision is important. Kids' mental health and wellness are vital to monitor. As a parent its tough to strike the right balance of support and involvement and stepping back.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 13:11
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to make him pay it back unless you explicitly told him before writing the check that that’s what the deal would be. If you had, he may have made a different decision. It’s a sunk cost and your relationship with your kid is what’s important here.
If the reason for his quitting his burnout, then I agree with you. Of course, the fact that he has never complained about playing and up until yesterday loved the sport and his team is part of the mystery. If it was a knee-jerk reaction to something that needs to be resolved with his team, coach etc then I think having him work through that is important (as is possibly paying back the unusable fees). Life and your actions have consequences. I don't think asking him to repay the cost sinks our relationship - it sets a boundary and a level of responsibility.
I disagree-needless strife with a 16 year old who likely has a reason that makes sense to him is causing trouble for no reason. But you do you!
Anonymous
12/04/2023 13:09
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to make him pay it back unless you explicitly told him before writing the check that that’s what the deal would be. If you had, he may have made a different decision. It’s a sunk cost and your relationship with your kid is what’s important here.
If the reason for his quitting his burnout, then I agree with you. Of course, the fact that he has never complained about playing and up until yesterday loved the sport and his team is part of the mystery. If it was a knee-jerk reaction to something that needs to be resolved with his team, coach etc then I think having him work through that is important (as is possibly paying back the unusable fees). Life and your actions have consequences. I don't think asking him to repay the cost sinks our relationship - it sets a boundary and a level of responsibility.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 12:56
Subject: Quitting Soccer
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:By the time I was 17, I also had lost the passion and drive that I had when I was early HS. Just let him enjoy what he has left of HS and living at home. Require him to fill extra hours with a job - that would be a non-starter for me. And he should have to contribute to some club fees if you owe for the Spring. I think that is a reasonable request.
And so not the same... but we pulled our younger kid out of high-level club this year. Best decision ever. She has had time to do other things. He will figure it out.
Thank you! What was weird in this case - is there didn't seem to have been a loss in passion for the sport. We are guessing something happened related to the specific team/coach that drove the decision. And to other's posts - even with HS and Travel soccer he has MORE THAN enough downtime - some of that is filled with a job - but his lounging around playing computer games and hanging with friends was never short-changed by his soccer playing. Academics was the thing he happily avoided (and is a nonstarter for us). We will allow him time to process this and get back to finding his passion but doing nothing is not an option. Hopefully when one door closes another is opened he works to finding a productive way to fill the gap.
Again, what haven't you asked him?!
OH MY - DO YOU THINK WE HAVEN'T????? Do you have a teenage son? IF you do have a teenage son you will know that they are excellent at shutting down and shutting up. We are giving him space to think things through, we are not demanding that he play. We never have demanded that he play. We have attempted to have multiple conversations with him - but also know that when he is ready to open up he will share and not before that. I came to this board because sometimes people have similar experiences and I was genuinely curious about what others might have experienced. At this point and until he shares we are at a loss to understand the why. Perhaps we don't need to know the why but as with all things in his life - when we know the why it helps to move forward and past things.
DP. I do, but my kid and I have a different type of relationship (for now anyway). Hope you get it figured out.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 12:55
Subject: Quitting Soccer
I don’t think it’s fair to make him pay it back unless you explicitly told him before writing the check that that’s what the deal would be. If you had, he may have made a different decision. It’s a sunk cost and your relationship with your kid is what’s important here.