Yes, DH (the FIL) is an alcoholic too, yes we have grandkids. - OP



You're a nightmare. You know what it's like to be married to an alcoholic, you raised your son with an alcoholic father, and you do nothing.

OP, you could be my MIL. My DH's father was an alcoholic (an abusive one). She elected to stay married and raise her kids in that environment. Now her son, my DH, is also slowly becoming an alcoholic. Unlike you, my MIL doesn't ignore my concerns, but she does continue to enable alcohol abuse in the family by giving DH fancy bourbons, constantly offering booze anytime we see her. She is doing the same thing with our eldest child, a recent college grad who is also showing signs of substance abuse. She is too scared of angering them to say anything. Until all this started two to three years ago, I had a good relationship with my MIL. But now I am realizing that she is trapped in patterns of co-dependent behavior. I have gotten to the point that I just want to leave all of them (MIL, DH and eldest child) to wallow in their dysfunctions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it were cancer treatment that he didn't want? Would it be taking sides if you supported your DIL in her quest to get him to agree to go to the hospital?

This is exactly why someone like you should not respond to a thread like this. Cancer is not like addiction, it's literally the opposite.

BTW, people are allowed to refuse cancer treatment, often the treatment is worse than the cancer and will only make the last few years miserable.

NP here. You should look at addiction as a terminal cancer, because the addiction is killing the addict, day by day, bit by bit. Sometimes it's slow, sometimes it seems it happened overnight, but it will kill them.

Do you just sit there and watch your son die? I hope the DIL takes the kids and never sees the son or OP again.

- child of an alcoholic

Anonymous wrote:What if it were cancer treatment that he didn't want? Would it be taking sides if you supported your DIL in her quest to get him to agree to go to the hospital?

This is exactly why someone like you should not respond to a thread like this. Cancer is not like addiction, it's literally the opposite.

BTW, people are allowed to refuse cancer treatment, often the treatment is worse than the cancer and will only make the last few years miserable.

Anonymous wrote:I'm speechless about your lack of response to your DIL. Just a kind word during this time of struggles would have gone a long way. Instead you've been stone silent.

Her own husband is an active alcoholic, the patterns are very entrenched, it's what DS was raised with and OP is likely passive and co-dependent if not a drinker herself. So I get why DIL reached out but they are among the last people likely to have a healthy response to the issue. If it's bad for grandkids, then what about what they provided DS, etc.

DS likely needs medical detox.

Hopefully DIL has other support. Many stick it out as long as possible due to fears re: kids and safety with drunk parent, esp if young or if will be driven. Doubt her FOO was too healthy or she may have met FIL and bounced. It's a generational pattern far too often.

I've been there and done that. Most people responding have no idea how to deal with addicts. It's nothing like cancer and you can't love it away. It's actually the opposite, everybody in his family needs to say you either stop drinking or you can't come visit us/be part of family gatherings/etc.

There literally is nothing you can do, yes it's terrible he is an addict but he needs to decide for himself that he is going to stop drinking.

What exactly does your DIL want you to do?

I think people watch the show intervention too much and think that is how it all goes down, it's not.

Your DIL need to divorce him and he needs to decide to either stop drinking or go to rehab if he can't stop on his own. There is really nothing for you to do.

If he is truly and addict and needs to detox he can do that at Suburban Hospital, they have an in-patient program and then they will refer him to an outpatient program for follow-up.

What if it were cancer treatment that he didn't want? Would it be taking sides if you supported your DIL in her quest to get him to agree to go to the hospital?

OF COURSE.

For my son's sake!!!

You're so out of line you can't even see it, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you or your DH have a history of alcoholism, yourselves or in your families? If so, how was it addressed/handled?

Does your DS have children?

Yes, DH (the FIL) is an alcoholic too, yes we have grandkids. - OP

You're a nightmare. You know what it's like to be married to an alcoholic, you raised your son with an alcoholic father, and you do nothing.

It's super rude that you didn't even reply to her email. You can at least write her back something noncommittal, and help more with the kids.

It sounds like you are in denial and determined to enable your son as long as he says the bare minimum of what you want to hear, even if it isn't true.

That's not what I consider intervening. I would tell the DIL that of course I want DS to be healthy and get help for his addiction and would ask what she wants from us. If it's "handle it" no. If it's "would you jump on a conference call with a rehab I found that seems great for him, but talk with their admissions person and see if you think it's a good fit too?" then yes of course. If she was asking if I'd cover the costs that his health insurance wouldn't cover, if I could afford to, I would.

Anonymous wrote:Look, I doubt everyone here saying "help your kid! You're terrible parents!" Has ever actually had an adult family member with a substance issue. You can express your concern and offer to help, but unless they really want help, there is almost nothing you can do.

I think you missed that she is also enabling her alcoholic husband.

I'm speechless about your lack of response to your DIL. Just a kind word during this time of struggles would have gone a long way. Instead you've been stone silent.

Look, I doubt everyone here saying "help your kid! You're terrible parents!" Has ever actually had an adult family member with a substance issue. You can express your concern and offer to help, but unless they really want help, there is almost nothing you can do.

You are terrible parents and even worse grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you or your DH have a history of alcoholism, yourselves or in your families? If so, how was it addressed/handled?

Does your DS have children?

Yes, DH (the FIL) is an alcoholic too, yes we have grandkids. - OP

AHhhhhhhhh. Okay. This explains why you are so weird.

You're okay with your grandkids being raised like? Perhaps it would be best if they got divorced and she took the kids.