Anonymous
Post 12/23/2023 12:12     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:Op again.

My parents and I have largely continued to be in normal contact with each other, but we have not discussed the incident.

DH and I have started family therapy, have done 4 sessions or so, including anger management. I reached out to my parents to say DH and I want to visit to apologize for our role in the event, they said they are not interested in revisiting it. They have not spoken to DH.

They live in the DC area, but have told us they plan to spend Christmas alone this year and we should enjoy time with just me, Dh and the kids. I said I understand if my brother plans to visit and they want space, they said that he is not coming.

I think they feel torn and guilty, that spending time with us would hurt my out-of-state brother who is alone for the holidays and look like everyone is having fun without him. My parents are in their 70s, and I think every yr could be their last Christmas and I hate the idea of them isolating themselves to keep the peace somehow. DH and I have hoped they would be with us.


Your husband physically assaulted someone in their home, and you trash talked a 6 year old. Your brother was equally bad, don't get me wrong, but the idea that they are excluding you because they want to protect your brother, and not because both of you were way out of line is really deluded.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2023 11:33     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Op again.

My parents and I have largely continued to be in normal contact with each other, but we have not discussed the incident.

DH and I have started family therapy, have done 4 sessions or so, including anger management. I reached out to my parents to say DH and I want to visit to apologize for our role in the event, they said they are not interested in revisiting it. They have not spoken to DH.

They live in the DC area, but have told us they plan to spend Christmas alone this year and we should enjoy time with just me, Dh and the kids. I said I understand if my brother plans to visit and they want space, they said that he is not coming.

I think they feel torn and guilty, that spending time with us would hurt my out-of-state brother who is alone for the holidays and look like everyone is having fun without him. My parents are in their 70s, and I think every yr could be their last Christmas and I hate the idea of them isolating themselves to keep the peace somehow. DH and I have hoped they would be with us.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2023 08:52     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:The 9 yr old was a sobbing mess and blaming himself for not being smarter, causing the whole thing, worried his behavior would land his father in jail.

DH urged me to go back and tell my brother I loved him before we hit the road ... as I approached the door I heard my brother again blaming my 9 yr old for the incident .... which made me even sicker. A grown man blaming an elementary schooler for this hot mess.

My parents, at least now, can afford to pay for their own existence and his but it upsets me to see how he feels no guilt over this.


Your poor kiddo. I'm sure you already did, but make sure you reassure him that NONE of this was his fault, and that your husband shouldn't have confronted your brother in that way, but he made a bad decision because he was upset. I would make sure that your son understands that you and your husband will protect him from this kind of scene in the future by choosing to no longer spend time with your brother. I grew up in a volatile family like this... one incident won't scar your child, especially if you talk to him about it, but repeated exposure, hoping that it won't happen the next time (and it will...) will absolutely hurt your child. I'm sorry your holiday ended up this way.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2023 07:50     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Very clear that you are all supplied to your brother a shell shocked to heck and acting like hostages. He is clearly not taking any responsibility for his actions, at all. Who does that? Not mentally healthy people.
Nothing is his fault, and in order to have some peace you and your parents have given in to everything just to keep some peace. You will never have it, he is mentally ill.
Your DH acted as a husband should, and it is not like your brother was all innocent in slamming the door.
Ex-wife should have sole custody of the child, who is dealing with this mentally ill parent all the time when with him.
All of you acted like hostages because you know your brother is an abusive POS.
Regardless of what your brother's diagnosis is, abusive is abusive and there is no excuse for him abusing all of you. Cut him off.


Absolutely not. How trashy are you people?

I do not think he should have gotten physical, but let's not pretend that slamming the door is not a form of physical threat. These NPD psychopaths are really great at provoking people to the very edge.
From the moment my brother arrived, he worked very hard to make everyone snap, and now he is a victim again, as so many people with NPD traits are.
Obviously, DH feels remorse for his action, and that is why I think he told OP to apologize. But, they should not apologize, all of this was a set up by her brother.
OP needs to cut off all contact as of three days ago.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 18:36     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:You cut your brother out of your life. He called the cops on your DH for standing up to his verbal abuse, which could have threatened your DH’s livelihood had he been arrested. Hell no would this person be any part of my or my family’s life.



Ugh sorry. I could see appreciating my husband for standing up to a family member like that.

If you gather together, would suggest to do so for a short period at a restaurant or some other public spaces.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 16:47     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Brother probably slightly sucks worse than anyone else in this story but y’all a hot mess. The kids, you OP, DH…..

The more I think about it your dh was most out of line. Can’t believe you’re bragging about this online.


This.
I can't believe the other posters who are praising the DH for this.


I think this is a side-issue, not because what he did was OK, but because it's the brother who started it. Now OP and her husband should understand that they should not come into contact with the mentally ill brother ever again. It just will not end well!

And I agree with the posters who talked about not being ashamed of this episode, and explaining this to your children. It happened, and you need to learn from this. It's not your children's fault, please insist on that. Tell them your brother is ill, because he is.

OP, your family will get through this. Your parents will get through this. Most of my sympathy is for your brother's children, who inherit a genetic predisposition for his mental illness (or others, because usually clusters of different ones run in families). They're also exposed to his screeds and insults. I'm also sorry for his ex, who has to continue dealing with that, since they have shared custody.

One day, your brother's kids might express the wish to not live or visit with him. It's possible for children's wishes to be taken into account in custody issues, but it's not guaranteed. Please support them if that's the case. Sadly, I have witnessed what an abusive parent can do to his kids' mental health, even if the abuse is targeted at others, not them. These children are at high risk of long-term trauma if they live with their father for too long.



Only in this thread would the person who physically assaulted someone be deemed mentally healthy.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 16:40     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:Very clear that you are all supplied to your brother a shell shocked to heck and acting like hostages. He is clearly not taking any responsibility for his actions, at all. Who does that? Not mentally healthy people.
Nothing is his fault, and in order to have some peace you and your parents have given in to everything just to keep some peace. You will never have it, he is mentally ill.
Your DH acted as a husband should, and it is not like your brother was all innocent in slamming the door.
Ex-wife should have sole custody of the child, who is dealing with this mentally ill parent all the time when with him.
All of you acted like hostages because you know your brother is an abusive POS.
Regardless of what your brother's diagnosis is, abusive is abusive and there is no excuse for him abusing all of you. Cut him off.


Absolutely not. How trashy are you people?
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 16:22     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Your husband is also a piece of work and seeing their dad get violent with another adult who was clearly not going to be exercising good judgment in response probably wasn’t too reassuring to any of the kids either.

So he should apologize for that specifically. To your shared kids—to be clear.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 16:20     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:definitely not bragging about this. sick to my stomach about it.

My poor parents just wanted a nice weekend away as a family -- posting here because I am so ashamed of the role I played and my DH played in this.


Your poor parents?! They raised this man and are enabling them and now this somehow has to involve your young children’s holiday being destroyed by his behavior and it’s “MY POOR PARENTS”?

No. Get your head on straight OP. Therapy or Al-Anon or both.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 16:15     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
You and DH both apologize to your kids for not having the insight to realize that Uncle Bucky was going to ruin the holiday, hear out their feelings about it at whatever length/times they want to spill them, and promise, for real, that he will not be invited again.

That’s where you go.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 14:08     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
I would talk to his ex-wife about first, what went down that day and second, how he is infantilizing his son. It sounds like his kid should not be around him without supervision. He's going to destroy that boy, and nothing worse on earth than a boy who grows into a man thinking the world owes him whatever he wants and whenever he wants it, and look out world if he can't have it.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 09:31     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Brother probably slightly sucks worse than anyone else in this story but y’all a hot mess. The kids, you OP, DH…..

The more I think about it your dh was most out of line. Can’t believe you’re bragging about this online.


This.
I can't believe the other posters who are praising the DH for this.


I think this is a side-issue, not because what he did was OK, but because it's the brother who started it. Now OP and her husband should understand that they should not come into contact with the mentally ill brother ever again. It just will not end well!

And I agree with the posters who talked about not being ashamed of this episode, and explaining this to your children. It happened, and you need to learn from this. It's not your children's fault, please insist on that. Tell them your brother is ill, because he is.

OP, your family will get through this. Your parents will get through this. Most of my sympathy is for your brother's children, who inherit a genetic predisposition for his mental illness (or others, because usually clusters of different ones run in families). They're also exposed to his screeds and insults. I'm also sorry for his ex, who has to continue dealing with that, since they have shared custody.

One day, your brother's kids might express the wish to not live or visit with him. It's possible for children's wishes to be taken into account in custody issues, but it's not guaranteed. Please support them if that's the case. Sadly, I have witnessed what an abusive parent can do to his kids' mental health, even if the abuse is targeted at others, not them. These children are at high risk of long-term trauma if they live with their father for too long.

Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 09:27     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Who cares. Cut them out of your life Focus onyour family and your very smart 9 yo!
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 09:21     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:Brother probably slightly sucks worse than anyone else in this story but y’all a hot mess. The kids, you OP, DH…..

The more I think about it your dh was most out of line. Can’t believe you’re bragging about this online.


This.
I can't believe the other posters who are praising the DH for this.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2023 07:53     Subject: the stuff of COPS shows ....
Anonymous wrote:Ex wife believes my brother is bipolar, had him on meds for several years. When she left him and I got him into outpatient full-day counseling, the psychiatrist said he believed my brother had been misdiagnosed: not bipolar but rather depression/anxiety/addiction (to alcohol and weed, which I didn't think people could be addicted to weed but...)


NP here. People absolutely can be addicted to weed, that’s been medically proven. My own sister (who sounds like your brother) was addicted to vaping weed for years and also alcohol, I paid for her rehab (I have a thread about it somewhere on dcum, but it’s not riveting or worth anyone’s time to find and read it) a few years ago. My sister is basically a dry drunk now, pulling the same shenanigans and we are very low contact now. You should do the same.