I think the key difference about asking in this case is because he very recently told him I want you to be a groomsman. Groom is free to change his mind, but it’s ok to ask if you should plan to be a guest. And if he doesn’t even want you at the wedding, he is not really the friend you thought he was and ok to know that too.

Ugh sorry - this is the kind of thing that would make you feel crazy.

Do you know any of the other members of the wedding party - if so are you close enough with any of them that they could ask the groom what's going on? Not to say, hey, Jake asked me if he's a groomsman and I didn't know what to say - but, like, hey, I remember Jake was involved with the wedding at some point, is he still coming? Can't wait to catch up if so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but this truly reads like something a woman would write. I have three brothers and engagement and wedding stuff like this would not be on their radar screen. It would be on mine!

What a crappy thing to say. You don't think men are capable of feeling excluded?

Of course they can - they just wouldn't come to DCUM and post about it in the manner that the OP did.

Pretending that this isn't true doesn't make it not true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - not a woman, but I can see how it reads that way. I haven't been in a wedding before and have no brothers (all sisters) so that probably is why it reads melodramatic. I have a great relationship with the future wife. Thank you for these comments!

We need to stop stereotyping and making men feel like anything to do with emotions is “women’s stuff.”

This is OP’s best friend but there has been a low level of rejection going on for a long time and now OP is not in the wedding party after he was told he would be. That’s not about the wedding. It’s about a friend pretending to be a better friend than they are. OP, the fact you feel so insecure about this friendship should tell you a lot. I would assume you’re not in the wedding party and if you are, take it as a nice surprise. In the meantime, invest more in your other friendships. Things evolve and especially with this guy moving and getting hitched, your relationship will change. Nurture other friendships and who knows, your real best friend may be under your nose without you knowing.

I think this is mostly right. He may be your best friend, but you're not his best friend. Its not the end of the world, but you should understand that dynamic and spend time developing other friendships in addition to this one. Its not clear that he's "pretending" to be a better friend than he is, it may just be that you are one of several close friends close friends he has and the others are just closer. My DH is like this - he's very gregarious and develops friends everywhere he goes. He's been a best man 3 or 4 times. He values all those friendships but they obviously are not all his "best" friend. You may have something like this going with your friend.

Anonymous wrote:What man even WANTS to go to a wedding, least of all one where you have to fly to it? I hate that sh!t, I’m glad I’m past the age where friends are getting married.

Yes, men just want to rend flesh with their bare hands and smear their bodies with the blood of their kill.

What man even WANTS to go to a wedding, least of all one where you have to fly to it? I hate that sh!t, I’m glad I’m past the age where friends are getting married.

Anonymous wrote:OP - not a woman, but I can see how it reads that way. I haven't been in a wedding before and have no brothers (all sisters) so that probably is why it reads melodramatic. I have a great relationship with the future wife. Thank you for these comments!

We need to stop stereotyping and making men feel like anything to do with emotions is “women’s stuff.”

This is OP’s best friend but there has been a low level of rejection going on for a long time and now OP is not in the wedding party after he was told he would be. That’s not about the wedding. It’s about a friend pretending to be a better friend than they are. OP, the fact you feel so insecure about this friendship should tell you a lot. I would assume you’re not in the wedding party and if you are, take it as a nice surprise. In the meantime, invest more in your other friendships. Things evolve and especially with this guy moving and getting hitched, your relationship will change. Nurture other friendships and who knows, your real best friend may be under your nose without you knowing.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but this truly reads like something a woman would write. I have three brothers and engagement and wedding stuff like this would not be on their radar screen. It would be on mine!

What a crappy thing to say. You don't think men are capable of feeling excluded?

I had a similar thing happen to me. One of my best friends from college got engaged and told me she wanted me to be in the wedding. We had been close in college but lived in different cities, and drifted apart so were not in frequent communication. After she asked me, I heard nothing about it for months and eventually got my invititation to the wedding - clearly not as a bridesmaid.

I was happy to be considered and truthfully was a bit hurt that it didn't come to fruition. But if I'm honest with myself, it makes sense that she would include friends in closer proximity who could help more with planning and who were a bigger part of her life at that point in time. On the other hand, some people (perhaps your friend is one of them) choose people for their bridal party whom they have a longer history with, and its the newer friends who are less likely to be included. Anyway, I never mentioned it to my friend and assumed that she had good reasons that I didn't make the final cut despite her initial intentions. I attended as a guest, and had a great time. Ignore the people who say that you shouldn't care about this as a guy-that's really ignorant. But try not to take your exclusion or inclusion as a measure of your friendship. So many factors can go into that decision, its a crapshoot. Just be supportive of your friend and have a good time at the wedding either way!

Do not ask the groom about this.

Don’t ask.

It’s more fun not to be in the wedding party anyway. You can wear what you want and just enjoy the party.

Right, no man who isn't sure if he is part of the wedding, and just wants to know and plan, would spend 5 seconds going to www.google.com and typing in the names to find out that answer from a wedding web site. That would be just SO CRAZY for a MAN to do! Get a grip.

Sorry, no man is googling trying to find someone's wedding website.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry this happened. It's tough. Someone who had been a very close friend since middle school got married in our late 20s and she had about six bridesmaids but didn't include me. Some of these people were recent friends and the friendships didn't last. She did invite me to the wedding and I did go. We stayed friends for about five more years and then she ghosted me.

I had the feeling that I (and another friend that was also not asked to be a bridesmaid) were reminders of the past that she was eventually done with. She wanted to be a certain way for her husband and I think that meant we didn't fit in anymore. I don't really know why, but she was done with us.

It hurt me a lot when she dropped me but life goes on and I had other friends and my focus was on other things. But it did hurt and it took me a while to get over it.

All that said, I suggest saying nothing about it and see if you are even invited to the wedding. You will get the message of where you stand with him and your importance. You also don't have to attend if you are invited.

You ended a friendship because you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid and you made assumptions about her reasons? What a drama queen.

That’s not at all what pp said. She got ghosted well after the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:The posts about OP "acting like a woman" are pretty lame. It's 2023. Guys can get upset about this, just as a bridesmaid could. Men aren't robots. So, your husband or brother wouldn't care like OP would? Great, good for them and you! Want a prize for their lack of emotions?

This. Boys and men are trained at a young age to not show vulnerability or emotions in male friendships. If they do, they're gay or a girl! The women perpetuating that toxicity on this thread is absurd and sad.