Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:14
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm not paying for any wedding. I chose to have a very small private wedding so we could buy a house.
I pay for colleges, and that's difficult enough.
This is understandable as long as the kids are given advance notice. The inequity between children is what causes problems.
Is OPs husband mad? Or just OP? Because OP is not a child of her in-laws and shouldn't expect equal treatment. How were the kids treated in her own family treated is the more relative question.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:11
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not paying for any wedding. I chose to have a very small private wedding so we could buy a house.
I pay for colleges, and that's difficult enough.
This is understandable as long as the kids are given advance notice. The inequity between children is what causes problems.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:10
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:10
Subject: Re:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the 21st century, Captain America.
Yes, we no longer consider our daughters chattel and we no longer dower our daughters to another family.
Maybe read the thread b4 dishing out the snark.
OP here, actually I love PP's comment, I want to forward it to my inlaws LOL
Why?
And why are you ruminating about this so many years later?
Probably because her ILs now want things from OP and her DH like time with the grandchildren or help.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:08
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
I'm not paying for any wedding. I chose to have a very small private wedding so we could buy a house.
I pay for colleges, and that's difficult enough.
I pay for colleges, and that's difficult enough.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:07
Subject: Re:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It’s probably not a wedding, it’s probably a weekend with multiple expensive functions. We’ve had sons marry, and have an unmarried daughter. In the sons’ cases, we paid pretty equally with the brides’ families, but it involved zero contribution to the reception — just totally paying for other expensive shindigs over three days.
In the case of my daughter, we would pay for her wedding and reception, but not contribute to the other stuff. But it might involve less money, to keep the tone of the different parties in the same ballpark.
What does that mean? Does you daughter know that she will get less of a wedding and reception if she marries down?
If you give the sone $X, then the daughter shouldn't expect $Y
You're not pp. Let her answer.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:06
Subject: Re:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the 21st century, Captain America.
Yes, we no longer consider our daughters chattel and we no longer dower our daughters to another family.
Maybe read the thread b4 dishing out the snark.
OP here, actually I love PP's comment, I want to forward it to my inlaws LOL
Why?
And why are you ruminating about this so many years later?
Anonymous
11/17/2023 14:06
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?
Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?
You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.
LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.
You should feel grateful that you and your husband are now entitled to defer to your SIL to handle your in-laws elder care needs since that’s how a traditional family would operate.
I like your thinking! OP. I highly doubt that my inlaws think that way. Everyone who replied thinks parents should contribute equal amount to their kids' weddings. I don't know why my in laws refused to. They have been pretty nice to me over the years but the wedding thing still hurts me deeply t be honestly. I've always wanted a wedding and I will never have one. Looking back we should've just paid with a credit card.
I'm one of six kids and my parents gave us eaach $2K towards a wedding. We all paid for our own weddings (and without credit cards).
It's striking to me that you are hurt by them not paying for your wedding, but not your own parents, OP.
Why do you think your ILs should have paid for your wedding?
Anonymous
11/17/2023 13:52
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Your question is ridiculously far outdated. You pay for an equal amount for both kids, regardless of gender.
Absolutely this. My parents gave all 3 of their kids the same amount (1 son, 2 daughters).
Anonymous
11/17/2023 13:52
Subject: Re:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It’s probably not a wedding, it’s probably a weekend with multiple expensive functions. We’ve had sons marry, and have an unmarried daughter. In the sons’ cases, we paid pretty equally with the brides’ families, but it involved zero contribution to the reception — just totally paying for other expensive shindigs over three days.
In the case of my daughter, we would pay for her wedding and reception, but not contribute to the other stuff. But it might involve less money, to keep the tone of the different parties in the same ballpark.
What does that mean? Does you daughter know that she will get less of a wedding and reception if she marries down?
If you give the sone $X, then the daughter shouldn't expect $Y
Anonymous
11/17/2023 13:51
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Yes- but this was not the expectation when O was married. And that goes for my family and DH’s extended families.
That being said, b/c of circumstances, my parents did end up helping both of them brothers. The difference was they had been saving for my wedding for years, but not my brothers.
That being said, b/c of circumstances, my parents did end up helping both of them brothers. The difference was they had been saving for my wedding for years, but not my brothers.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 13:48
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:To be fair, in cultures where families have money but spend more on daughter's wedding, leave son bigger percentage in inheritance to even it out.
Which culture is that? Haven’t seen this at all.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 13:46
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Holding old grudges is natural but unhealthy, try to move on. What was a norm 20 years ago in a different country and culture, isn't valid for today. Its their money, you have no right over that.
I don't disagree with you. But my in laws made a choice, and choices have consequences
+1. It gets the relationship off to a poor start. My ILs ended up asking us to contribute money to help the daughter that had an extravagant wedding ten years before. Inequity does not make for family harmony.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 13:42
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes. I would only pay as much for one kid as I could reasonably afford to spend for all of my kids, gender doesn't figure in to the calculation for me.
+1 My parents gave me and my siblings all the same amount and told us we could use it toward a wedding, honeymoon, or a house, whatever we preferred.
This is what my parents did, and what I plan to do for my kids of any gender.
Anonymous
11/17/2023 13:42
Subject: If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?
To be fair, in cultures where families have money but spend more on daughter's wedding, leave son bigger percentage in inheritance to even it out.