OP, it sounds like in addition to learning about the affair, you're still grieving your parent's death. You've lost the person you thought you knew, as well as the one you didn't quite know. I understand why that would be painful. I definitely recommend getting a therapist to work through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp back to say...of course your parent loved you. This wouldn't change. Grieve, but stay focused.

Wrong. True love does not involve doing things that hurt the person you love.

FFS you're over the top. Besides, you're really $hitty to tell the OP her parent didn't love her when s/he can't tell her.

My marital actions have no bearing on my love for my kids. Neither do my husband's. My parents got divorced, does that mean they don't love me?

Besides, you and OP have a thought that causes your feeling. If my parent cheated I wouldn't blink an eye. So, it's not the action, it's the thought that causes your suffering. Fix your toxic thoughts.

You think OP already did not figure that out. Stop treating adults like china dolls. She will need to go through the whole process of understanding that she had a shitty parent and grow to understand that and that it has nothing to do with her. It does not change who she is.

It's no different than finding out when they are alive and having to realize you have a seriously flawed parent and you need to understand that has nothing to do with you.

I never told OP she needs to be in a deep depression over your parent being a selfish piece of sh$t. You seem to be projecting a whole lot onto OP.

Uh, you clearly can't read.

Yes I did and you are trying to gaslight OP by saying it's not a big deal. It's clearly a big deal and it's normal and natural for OP to be upset about all the lying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp back to say...of course your parent loved you. This wouldn't change. Grieve, but stay focused.

Wrong. True love does not involve doing things that hurt the person you love.

FFS you're over the top. Besides, you're really $hitty to tell the OP her parent didn't love her when s/he can't tell her.

My marital actions have no bearing on my love for my kids. Neither do my husband's. My parents got divorced, does that mean they don't love me?

Besides, you and OP have a thought that causes your feeling. If my parent cheated I wouldn't blink an eye. So, it's not the action, it's the thought that causes your suffering. Fix your toxic thoughts.

You think OP already did not figure that out. Stop treating adults like china dolls. She will need to go through the whole process of understanding that she had a shitty parent and grow to understand that and that it has nothing to do with her. It does not change who she is.

It's no different than finding out when they are alive and having to realize you have a seriously flawed parent and you need to understand that has nothing to do with you.

I never told OP she needs to be in a deep depression over your parent being a selfish piece of sh$t. You seem to be projecting a whole lot onto OP.

Uh, you clearly can't read.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

GMAFB, OP is an adult they are not going to fall apart for someone to support them in their realization that they have a parent who was not a great person, was deeply flawed and probably a narcissist.

You can't always follow the logic that lying to people is the best for them.

This is a time of discovery as an adult. Not everybody wants to stick their head in the sand. Some people want to expand and grow as humans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp back to say...of course your parent loved you. This wouldn't change. Grieve, but stay focused.

Wrong. True love does not involve doing things that hurt the person you love.

FFS you're over the top. Besides, you're really $hitty to tell the OP her parent didn't love her when s/he can't tell her.

My marital actions have no bearing on my love for my kids. Neither do my husband's. My parents got divorced, does that mean they don't love me?

Besides, you and OP have a thought that causes your feeling. If my parent cheated I wouldn't blink an eye. So, it's not the action, it's the thought that causes your suffering. Fix your toxic thoughts.

You think OP already did not figure that out. Stop treating adults like china dolls. She will need to go through the whole process of understanding that she had a shitty parent and grow to understand that and that it has nothing to do with her. It does not change who she is.

It's no different than finding out when they are alive and having to realize you have a seriously flawed parent and you need to understand that has nothing to do with you.

I never told OP she needs to be in a deep depression over your parent being a selfish piece of sh$t. You seem to be projecting a whole lot onto OP.

OP, it's a lot to unpack and it's obvious that you're still reeling from the discovery. Your reaction is normal.

Every marriage is private and cannot be fully understood from the outside, including the children from said marriage. I suspect your living parent's reaction will be key to how you process. If they knew of the cheating or even tolerated it, it's really not your place to judge your dead parent as a partner. If your living parent was as blindsided as you were, then they have a lot of processing and healing to do, and that's separate from your own process.

Ultimately, I believe that every person has many facets. One can be a fantastic parent but a crappy spouse. One can even be very selfish in general but still a good parent. There are also plenty of reverse cases: kind to everyone outside the family but cruel to loved ones. Anyone holding a perfect version of someone they love is bound to be disappointed. In your case, the distance between what you'd known growing up and what you just found out is greater than many and the feeling of loss and disorientation is also that much deeper. You may never fully know your dead parent as a person (most of us don't), but what you do know is how they'd always treated you. I wish you peace.

First, how did you find out, how do you know it's even true?

Second, yes, absolutely, a cheater can love the person they are cheating on.

Third, I don't think it would have necessarily been easier to learn about this when the cheater was alive. My parent cheated, and I never brought it up with them. Maybe that's weird, but what would they have said? I found out when I was a teenager and I don't think that was great timing. The cheated on parent brought the cheating parent into my room and made the cheating parent apologize - without referencing the affair - and say they would do a better job trying to be a better parent and spouse. It was awful and awkward. I just said ok and that I needed to keep doing my homework.

I do think my parent loved my other parent and absolutely wanted my other parent to be their life partner. They are still together and I think they are both glad to be together.

Finally, try to separate your parent as a spouse vs as a parent. You can still love them as a parent even if they were flawed spouses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp back to say...of course your parent loved you. This wouldn't change. Grieve, but stay focused.

Wrong. True love does not involve doing things that hurt the person you love.

FFS you're over the top. Besides, you're really $hitty to tell the OP her parent didn't love her when s/he can't tell her.

My marital actions have no bearing on my love for my kids. Neither do my husband's. My parents got divorced, does that mean they don't love me?

Besides, you and OP have a thought that causes your feeling. If my parent cheated I wouldn't blink an eye. So, it's not the action, it's the thought that causes your suffering. Fix your toxic thoughts.

Anonymous wrote:pp back to say...of course your parent loved you. This wouldn't change. Grieve, but stay focused.

Wrong. True love does not involve doing things that hurt the person you love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider that maybe having the affair fulfilled something that wasn't being fulfilled within the marriage, and having the affair allowed the marriage to be as good as it was.

No. I think OP has to accept that her parent was deeply flawed and likely a clinical narcissist. That doesn’t mean that everything was false - just that they had a disordered personality.

This^^^^^

Anonymous wrote:Consider that maybe having the affair fulfilled something that wasn't being fulfilled within the marriage, and having the affair allowed the marriage to be as good as it was.

People who cheat tend to be self centered and selfish, so while they believe they are fulfilling a “need,” it is frequently a “want.” Cheaters don’t tend to love anyone else enough to deny themselves something they want.