Another yes- me and DH. And I just went out yesterday with cousins and their DC. Of the 13 cousins, I think one has IL issues. Say this with gratitude.

I worked for decades in victim advocacy, legal aid, public defense and prosecution. I saw a lot of very damaged people, and having grown up in a toxic abusive family I know firsthand that abused kids can also wear the mask of very successful professional with strong community ties.

I'm very happy that there are happy families, as without them abused kids wouldn't have dreams to console them in their reality.


One observation I have from decades of working in the trenches with broken people and in the systems that serve and process broken people, is that trying to advocate for policy changes and getting community on board with investments in people often comes up against the resistance of people who had happy childhoods and just cannot fathom the challenges faced by people who didn't.

Many people from happy childhoods are empathetic and concerned with the experiences of their not so lucky peers, but some happy family people seem incapable of grasping just what unhappy and abusive and dysfunctional looks like and what it really does to the developing brain to grow up in a toxic stew. Those folks tend to be the ones who lack empathy for the ways broken people can go astray in navigating life's challenges without the self esteem and emotional reserves that well-loved children develop in a happy childhood.

I will never understand the people who argue against investing in early childhood enrichment programs, when we all ultimately pay the price in one way or another for the fallout from letting so many children grow up psychologically and physically abused. Quite frankly it would make more sense to ditch some of the current academic curriculum and develop life skills courses that lead to mental health preservation, healthy relationships and understanding of child development/psychology so we are all equipped with the basics of how not to hurt kids.

Obviously there will always be perpetrators, but a great deal of the abuse that kids grow up in could be alleviated by addressing psychological needs of parents decades before they become parents, not just when they're in the thick of it - most parents will never take a parenting course until they are involved with a divorce proceeding in the courts or forced to by child protective services.

Same but OP things can change on a dime and no one should take any of this for grants.

You mention dementia. No one would have called my grandma "drama" for most of her life - she was amazing. She had Alzheimer's and it was incredibly hard on her kids. It's no one's fault. Life deals a very hard hand sometimes.

My childhood was nice. Emotionally neglectful by today's standards, but fine for the time period.
Parents had a pretty good marriage, we were financially secure, I had every opportunity a child could ever need.
Parents are 77 and 80 now and in love. They have lots of friends, have downsized into a nice apartment, do social things and travel. We have a great relationship.

My biggest issue is that I'm jealous of them! I'm single, childless, have no career and no friends, and all I have to look forward to is a small inheritance when they pass away, which will also mean that I have absolutely no one in my life.

I had a great childhood and have wonderful parents (in their 70s now and getting frailer but still wonderful). I assume the preponderance of dysfunctional families is because those of us with happy families don’t really need much advice/help from anonymous forums, not beca we’re so terribly rare.

I had a great childhood and until my parents were in their mid 80s they had a great life. Then dementia hit my mom and eventually my dad. Their last few years were very difficult but they got to live in their own home until they died.

I had a difficult childhood, but everyone in my dimly worked on themselves and now we have a very healthy dynamic. I’m glad we all made the effort, it’s never too late.

Anonymous wrote:My husband says he had a wonderful childhood, and I can vouch for how supportive and kind his parents. It’s one of the key attractions I had to marry him. Unfortunately I did not have same background.

I hear you on the rough childhood, but I'm glad you found someone from a kind, supportive family who had a nice one. My DH and I come from similar families and while it helps us empathize with and understand each other, it means we don't have a single parent or sibling between us who we'd call "kind" or "supportive." His is mildly better than mine in that there is less overall dysfunction, but they still aren't that nice or supportive. And honestly, part of the deal with his family is that they turn to him for support and he provides it, which at least feels okay, whereas my family just fights and lies.

DH and I have openly talked about how in some ways it would have been better for each of us if we'd married other people from good, kind families. We love each other, but it's so hard. We now focus on providing a really supportive, functional base for our own kids, and also will encourage them to think about the families of anyone they intend to marry, in the hopes that they will each have a full network of good families to turn to instead of being all on their own the way we are.

I had a great childhood, nice, average, hardworking parents, no drama, no divorce. Grew up to marry a man just like my dad And my MIL is sweet as pie. We've been together over 20 years and have three great kids!

Anonymous wrote:My parents were great. Returning that care in their old age was challenging and exhausting, but we couldn’t see not doing it, especially as they weren’t demanding.

And the complaints on this forum remind me to appreciate my MIL, who does bring drama but has always been nice.

Dealing with aging is especially hard when many in the dmv are transplants and parents aren’t local.

Agree. Money also has a lot to do with it. Many folks would probably like to bring their parents closer, but there is no way for them to finance it. I would have moved my mom closer, but understood that Medicaid was not portable across state lines. Fortunately we had a good spot for her with one sibling local. The second two hours away. We tagged team and I took on a lot of the paper work and other tasks I could handle over the phone. Again, fortunate that she had a good spot - non profit homes always seem much better.

My parents were great. Returning that care in their old age was challenging and exhausting, but we couldn’t see not doing it, especially as they weren’t demanding.

And the complaints on this forum remind me to appreciate my MIL, who does bring drama but has always been nice.

Dealing with aging is especially hard when many in the dmv are transplants and parents aren’t local.

I have a truly wonderful husband. Because I come from abuse and got therapy to process it all and break patterns I was very careful about who I married. Our marriage has been good for decades. I have not once posted on thew family or relationships section "Does anyone have a great husband and marriage?" I have no need. I understand how that can salt in the wounds of those who don't. I understand that many people thought they were marrying someone safe and loving and feel trapped.

Do you really need to ask if anyone had a good childhood and good parents? Of course there are people who did. I am happy for them. Would you walk into a support group for those abused and say "Hey, does anyone out there have families where there wasn't abuse?" Maybe walk into alcoholics anonymous and say "Hey are there people who can drink and not ruin their lives?"

Nice childhood, decent parents, good husband, great in-laws, good kids, good job, nice house. Got the whole nine yards. I’m fortunate. Good life, but nothing is perfect. Normal complaints.

+1

Nice childhood, decent parents, good husband, great in-laws, good kids, good job, nice house. Got the whole nine yards. I’m fortunate. Good life, but nothing is perfect. Normal complaints. Could be worse.

My husband says he had a wonderful childhood, and I can vouch for how supportive and kind his parents. It’s one of the key attractions I had to marry him. Unfortunately I did not have same background.