Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation as you, but I would not ask my DH to pay for aides for my mom. He might offer if she was really destitute, but this is her responsibility not yours.

What a terrible daughter.

DP
Not everyone has your cultural expectations! My parents would never be comfortable taking from their kids. In my family culture money flows down generations, not up. If one generation needed it to flow up, likely they would be too embarrassed to ask and would feel like failures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 100%, his retirement accounts are bigger via work but I can do/spend what I want but we don't have nearly the income you do. I would talk to my husband about care and he'd have no issue if we could afford it and that's what I wanted to do. But, reality is my husband doesn't care as long as I'm reasonable and don't make us broke. I could buy a new car tomorrow and he wouldn't care (well, he'd be thrilled).

These retirement accounts need to be evened out. What happens if you divorce?

I cannot imagine that ever happening but if it did, I'd get half of everything and I'd figure it out. He puts maxes out my retirement every year and keeps money in my name only. We will also keep a recent inheritance in my name only. He's made sure I'd be ok if something happened to him, i.e. death. We planned for that with me not working and because of my health issues. SAHM's should look at their spouses behavior and see how secure their marriage is. If he will not help out with your family, that speaks volumes. If he wants things like your inheritance, that speaks volumes. If he doesn't do things like make sure you have access to money and savings, that speaks volumes. If he controls spending (outside a reasonable budget depending on income), that's a huge red flag. If its a bigger amount I'd only tell him as he'd wonder why so much was going out of the checking but otherwise he couldn't care less.

You would get half of the martial share. Not half of all of it.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds normal. He can not be expected to support your family of origin. His obligation is to you and your kids.

In your situation op I would find a job with mommy hours so that I could support my parents.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 100%, his retirement accounts are bigger via work but I can do/spend what I want but we don't have nearly the income you do. I would talk to my husband about care and he'd have no issue if we could afford it and that's what I wanted to do. But, reality is my husband doesn't care as long as I'm reasonable and don't make us broke. I could buy a new car tomorrow and he wouldn't care (well, he'd be thrilled).

These retirement accounts need to be evened out. What happens if you divorce?

How do you even out a 401k? Isn’t it it one person’s name only?

^^^ I will add, as I read some other responses, I am talking about a high earning spouse, as is OP's. If we were less well-off and trying to fund our own retirement and kid's college I might look at it differently.

I realize that everyone is different, but my DH and I are a team. He far out earns me and always has. As my parents have needed aides it never occurred to DH that he wouldn't contribute just as all of my siblings are contributing. In fact, my DH contributes and I have one sibling who doesn't.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what resources do your parents have to fund their elder care? Social Security/Medicare? Pensions? Their own 401ks and IRAs? Long term care policies?

It is not your responsibility to pay for their care. It is not your DH’s responsibility either no matter what he earns.

Boundaries.

NP, but this is one of the instances where I think DCUM is completely out of touch with reality. My in-laws have no savings. None. In fact they are in their 70s, are renters, and have credit card debt. They eek by on SS and a small teachers’ pension from a state that does not like public employees. This is not an uncommon situation and a lot of Gen Xers are going to be facing it very soon.

Anonymous wrote:Imo you do marry the family when it comes to care of elderly parents.

Some expenses might come up as debatable but necessary care for elderly parents wouldn’t be one of them.

I’m sorry you are in this position. If he is making well above what your nuclear family would need to feel secure and happy it’s messed up for him to push back on this.

Agree. When I think of all the things my money might be used for at some point, certainly helping elderly family members, if needed, would be on that list.

Imo you do marry the family when it comes to care of elderly parents.

Some expenses might come up as debatable but necessary care for elderly parents wouldn’t be one of them.

I’m sorry you are in this position. If he is making well above what your nuclear family would need to feel secure and happy it’s messed up for him to push back on this.

We combined all our savings and brokerage accounts when we got married so I do feel like it’s all truly equal. I don’t think you can combine 401ks or we would have done it. What would your DH say about combining all accounts?

Just a different perspective. Even if the income were 50/50, or 70/30 with you as breadwinner, paying $$$ for high end luxury care (which is what a private aide is) would be something you would have to negotiate about. If it’s both your money, it’s also his right to resist this plan as half owner.

Anonymous wrote:If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

+1.

My parents aren’t retired yet, but DH spends money and limited vacation time flying out to visit them 2-3 times a year.

99% of the time yes.

We have everything we need and just about everything we want. Our HHI is $400K and we have 1 kid in public high school. Our mortgage payment is $5K on a house we recently bought (first home) and we have no debt. We're gonna pay for college no problem but it probably won't be a 60K a year college. It's coming up soon.

As OP says regular expenses are just routine. No stress, no issues.

Where we get tense on occasion is around our parents. Mine are not rich but well off and spend money on us. His parents are secure but he and his sibling feel compelled to fund luxury for them several times a year, and it makes me feel funny sometimes that we are buying them a 1K dishwasher that they could chose to buy if they wanted. It's irksome for sure but I have to perspective to realize it's a point of tension and awkwardness without being a huge problem.

Since he makes 4/5ths of our income, I relent. He has pointed this our a handful of times which is obnoxious, but makes me realize it's emotional for him (because that kind of comment is very out of character).

I feel that marital money is equal. But your logic is kind of faulty. Needing to ask for money to support people outside of the family unit doesn’t mean that the money isn’t equal. My spouse makes 5xs what I make and he has the parents that always need money. It’s hard pill to swallow because it’s a very rare situation where someone reaches old age and has absolutely no opportunity to be responsible for themselves and save some money. Also hiring aides etc is not a sustainable solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 100%, his retirement accounts are bigger via work but I can do/spend what I want but we don't have nearly the income you do. I would talk to my husband about care and he'd have no issue if we could afford it and that's what I wanted to do. But, reality is my husband doesn't care as long as I'm reasonable and don't make us broke. I could buy a new car tomorrow and he wouldn't care (well, he'd be thrilled).

These retirement accounts need to be evened out. What happens if you divorce?

I cannot imagine that ever happening but if it did, I'd get half of everything and I'd figure it out. He puts maxes out my retirement every year and keeps money in my name only. We will also keep a recent inheritance in my name only. He's made sure I'd be ok if something happened to him, i.e. death. We planned for that with me not working and because of my health issues. SAHM's should look at their spouses behavior and see how secure their marriage is. If he will not help out with your family, that speaks volumes. If he wants things like your inheritance, that speaks volumes. If he doesn't do things like make sure you have access to money and savings, that speaks volumes. If he controls spending (outside a reasonable budget depending on income), that's a huge red flag. If its a bigger amount I'd only tell him as he'd wonder why so much was going out of the checking but otherwise he couldn't care less.