Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

This is what I was going to ask — what are you actually fighting about? Focus on that since your ILS staying doesn’t seem to be the actual problem. If she thinks you need to be all family, all the time for 2 weeks — that is ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

Anonymous wrote:DW’s parents like to come visit, which is great. However, when they do, they will stay at our house for 10-12 days. This isn’t a problem per se. I like them well enough, but the issue is that when they stay for so long, there is invariably some point where DW and I end up in a significant fight. I have expressed to her that, while I like her parents, having guests for such a long period disrupts the normal functioning of our house and results in strife. She now claims that I don’t like her family, and that I am trying to keep them away. Is it really unreasonable to think that having guests for 10-12 days at a time can create issues?

Separately, she’s constantly trying to invite her friends to stay at our home when they come to town. I don’t necessarily have an issue, but I also don’t like that so much. We are mid-40s with a kid. I am sort of over the idea of having friends stay at our house when they come to town. Feels like the sort of thing you do in your 20s. She also thinks that I hate her friends because of that. Am I being unreasonable?

Anonymous wrote:For me this very much depends on the guest. Guests who feed themselves, entertain themselves, and clean up after themselves can stay as long as they like. Guests who expect to be waited on can stay 3 nights max.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days.

+1. Maybe 5 if you REALLY like them.

Benjamin Franklin famously said that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!