Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 10:14     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.


I can understand your position but my concern would be you are denying your child a safe person/space. I wonder how old your kids are. I have 2 in college and one in HS. They have come to me when they were desperately in need of support. DH isn’t as empathic and has more conservative views. If I didn’t allow them to confide in me, I don’t think some of these situations would have resolved favorably. They needed an adult’s support and guidance. DH knows the kids talk to me and that if they ask for me not to share, I won’t share. He actually respects that. I don’t feel like I’m compromising any vow.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 10:02     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.


Wow.

So when your son takes another pill and accidentally kills himself by overdose, your DH will have no idea that there was a point in time when he could have got the kid help and prevented his death.

You are scum.


This is such a wild overreaction. The PP said she will eventually tell her H. If the H has a volatile temperament I could see how the son would not tell his dad and the mom would prefer to wait a bit before disclosing.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 10:01     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What kind of secret could your son have that would devastate possibly his father?


He's gay. Got a girl pregnant. Joined the. Army. On drugs. To name but a few.


If my son being gay would devastate my husband, I would divorce that man in a heartbeat. How ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:59     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.


Bless your heart. You've taken the whole 'two become one' thing a little too literal. Or, more likely, you interpret it selectively. When one of you goes out does the other? Do you do all your shopping together? If you get the norovirus do you make sure to pass it to your DH? Do you share with your DH the details of how you helped your DD to use a tampon for the first time? Did your DH share with you the conversation he had with your DS about cleaning up the evidence of his masturbation? You are 'one' after all. Of course, you do make exceptions when there's "fear of retaliation".

In our family, we value trust and support. If one of our kids confides in one parent, we respect that choice. We respect that it can be difficult to confide something personal to someone and want our kids to know their confidences are safe. They also know that if someone's health, safety or welfare is involved we may have to disclose their confident but that we would do it in collaboration with them, not because of some misguided notion that confidences not shared between spouses is a betrayal.


Wow this really hit a nerve with you, as your first paragraph reflects quite the Bitter Betty in you.
It seems you are somehow threatened that my relationship with my spouse does not perfectly mirror your own, and rather than just accept that it is okay for us not to have the same “take”—you thought the best approach was to attempt to dismantle and belittle.
Well that makes me sad for you, but I hope that you will one day be secure enough to accept that it is okay for different people to have different viewpoints and practices within their own relationships without it impacting yours in any way. And then you won’t need to attack, insult, or be snide to others in order to make yourself feel good.
I wish you well.


DP. Nope, you're just ridiculous. No one cares what your relationship is like but we can definitely think your stance is inane.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:57     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.


Yes, I agree your opinion is unpopular and it should be. I want my kids to come to me or DH with anything, even if it means keeping it secret from the other parent until they’re ready to share. If something is so bad/traumatic/difficult that they don’t want the other parent to know, then you definitely want them coming to at least one of you.


Disagree.
Keeping secrets creates distrust and destroys marriages.
And for us, we feel that teaching our children to respect the marriage of their parents by not requiring one keep a secret from the other is a pretty important tool in teaching them how to be a good spouse to their future mate.


You realize though that you have made it so if your DH was doing anything to harm your kids he could continue to do it with impunity because your kids would never bring that to you, right?


Wrong. My kids told me about an incident of sexual grooming, so I can tel you that you are wrong. That fear tactic is what women use to justify being closer to their kids and keeping DH at arms length from their family.


Your DH sexually groomed your kid??
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:55     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.


Don't worry, it doesn't sound like your children would share that with you anyway.

We say we don't keep secrets in our family, but I'd also consider respecting my child's wishes to keep something private in certain situations. Your stance sounds ridiculous. Rigidity rarely serves anyone well.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:51     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:Totally context specific, but overall I would say to trust your gut. If your son needs you to be discrete for a while, then I don’t think you need to stress about not talking about this.


This is what I would say too.

If you feel your husband should know, encourage your son to tell him or give you permission to tell him. But I wouldn't betray your son's confidence.

My daughters sometimes tell me things that they ask me not to tell my husband. He appreciates that they have that trust with me and he's OK with it. He trusts my judgment over whether I need to tell him or not. But I wouldn't blindside my daughters.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:49     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.


Wow.

So when your son takes another pill and accidentally kills himself by overdose, your DH will have no idea that there was a point in time when he could have got the kid help and prevented his death.

You are scum.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:45     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What kind of secret could your son have that would devastate possibly his father?


He's gay. Got a girl pregnant. Joined the. Army. On drugs. To name but a few.


Flunked out of college. Changed religions or is now an atheist. Joined a different political party.


Yeeeah, if it is 'he flunked out of college' then you become complicit at fraud the second you agree to hide it.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:45     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:have you ever kept something from your spouse really out of protection? This is a secret my son had asked me to not share with anyone and I gave him my word. My husband has been under and an extraordinary amount of stress lately and I honestly didn’t have it in me to devastate him which I know the secret would do. Plus I didn’t want to betray my sons trust. Part of me feels guilty, but part of me feels like I’m doing the right thing anyone ever been through anything like this?


Intension and content matter. I had a cancer near scare and decided not to worry him or kids or my birth family until i find out for sure. No point in overwhelming already stressed lives. If he understands your motive, he'll understand your actions. I did apologize later as dishonesty is still dishonesty even if its to shield them from heartache.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:35     Subject: Re:kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
What is the age of the child? In college? If younger, how did child end up in the hospital without the father knowing?
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 09:00     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.


Not sure if this is the OP, but this is a bright line.

It's a safety issue, and one of the biggest ones for teens right now. Your family dynamics sound complicated if your first impulse is to keep this to yourself, so you have to manage the timing/delivery of the message. But you can't not tell your kid's father.

Separately, consider why it was important to your DS that his father not know that he could've been killed, and that his first impulse may be fear of retaliation from his Dad, rather than concern for his safety. That's a separate and equally problematic issue.

- Physician seeing daily fentanyl overdoses. It's real, folks.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 08:46     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.



Is this the OP?
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 08:36     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
I think there is a lot of context and specifics that matter. My kid is only 11 so while she generally knows that I don’t keep secrets from my husband, I can see this coming up at some point.

But, I have a loving husband that I believe will continue to love our kid even if she has made a bad choice or something bad has happened to her. She might not realize that in the moment or be too embarrassed, etc. So, I can see a world in which I might keep a secret for some period of time. But during that time, I would be actively trying to get her the support she needs — while also trying to remind her that ultimately her dad will be another source of support. And if I thought his initial gut reaction might be poor for some reason, then I would talk about perhaps me bringing the topic up with him before we all talk about it together.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2023 08:01     Subject: kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.


Yes, I agree your opinion is unpopular and it should be. I want my kids to come to me or DH with anything, even if it means keeping it secret from the other parent until they’re ready to share. If something is so bad/traumatic/difficult that they don’t want the other parent to know, then you definitely want them coming to at least one of you.


Disagree.
Keeping secrets creates distrust and destroys marriages.
And for us, we feel that teaching our children to respect the marriage of their parents by not requiring one keep a secret from the other is a pretty important tool in teaching them how to be a good spouse to their future mate.


You realize though that you have made it so if your DH was doing anything to harm your kids he could continue to do it with impunity because your kids would never bring that to you, right?


Wrong. My kids told me about an incident of sexual grooming, so I can tel you that you are wrong. That fear tactic is what women use to justify being closer to their kids and keeping DH at arms length from their family.