Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 22:19     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:If the actual amount of time between sets of grandparents is pretty even, your DH needs to tell his parents "Mom and Dad, you clearly have a problem with the amount of time we see you vs. DW's parents. Fwiw, each set of grands sees the kids about the same amount of time throughout a year. I do not appreciate your bean counting comments and complaints about how we spend our time. If they don't stop, we will see you a lot less." I would not even address the petty stuff like OPs mom meeting a baby 3 hours sooner than MIL. And if she brings it up, I would shut it down immediately and refuse to discuss something so foolish.


This. And your husband should probably take the kids to visit his parents sometimes, too.

I would be so irritated, too, OP, by the passive aggressive comments.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 21:25     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
If the actual amount of time between sets of grandparents is pretty even, your DH needs to tell his parents "Mom and Dad, you clearly have a problem with the amount of time we see you vs. DW's parents. Fwiw, each set of grands sees the kids about the same amount of time throughout a year. I do not appreciate your bean counting comments and complaints about how we spend our time. If they don't stop, we will see you a lot less." I would not even address the petty stuff like OPs mom meeting a baby 3 hours sooner than MIL. And if she brings it up, I would shut it down immediately and refuse to discuss something so foolish.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 14:37     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let your DH deal with his parents' bitterness. I would not engage with them if they start to complain to you.


its almost all passive aggressive comments to my kids (which is probably why it gets to me so much). things like saying to my 5 year old "dont you want to come visit your papa and granny? we just need to tell your mommy to bring you to our house too like she brought you to grandma and grandpas!" with me in the room


And that is when you say something and not just sit there like a bump while your kid is being emotionally blackmailed. WTH?


That would be my signal to end the convo.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 14:18     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let your DH deal with his parents' bitterness. I would not engage with them if they start to complain to you.


its almost all passive aggressive comments to my kids (which is probably why it gets to me so much). things like saying to my 5 year old "dont you want to come visit your papa and granny? we just need to tell your mommy to bring you to our house too like she brought you to grandma and grandpas!" with me in the room


And that is when you say something and not just sit there like a bump while your kid is being emotionally blackmailed. WTH?
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 13:42     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Keep your travel plans to yourself and instruct your kids to do the same. Give the kids ideas of what to talk about on these FaceTime calls. For example, the park, Trick or Treat and preschool art projects. When they ask about you visiting, tell them to talk to their son to coordinate. Repeat. Your DH is letting you take the fall. This is his job to figure out. If he refuses to get involved, don’t answer the grandparent’s calls.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:58     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.


+1. I don't cater to ungrateful people.


Yeah, I do sometimes want to say "sorry your son doesn't care about seeing you or your kids having a relationship with you. that's a you / dh problem, not a me problem". It is definitely the way they raised him, once I was an adult my mom sat me down and was like "our relationship is now a two way street, if you want us to be close and there for each other you need to put into the relationship too". DHs parents never stopped treating their relationship as one way and catering to him like a child while having no expectation of being cared for back.


There will be an expectation of being cared for once they are elderly and frail. Is he an only child?


he is. i'm staying out of that for now. i do not think he'll rise to the occasion in a major way. i would never let them fall into a bad situation if for example one had passed and the other had dementia and needed help figuring out a living situation, but i'm also not looking to be the primary coordinator of their care. They have plenty of money to hire all variety of help so there's fortunately no situation where they'd have to move in with us and then all the care taking could be dumped on me


You will be, unfortunately. DHs like yours fold like cards when their parents have a complicated crisis. Glad they at least have money.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:58     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Stop telling them every time you see your parents. Problem solved.


+1

How do the ILs know such details in the first place?


Like all things, I imagine they’re all facebook friends and they get jealous at every post that doesn’t feature them.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:55     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband is a workaholic (which is its own problem yes) so I'm on my own with the kids a lot.

My inlaws see our 3 kids several times a year - probably 2-3x / yr for a week and then a handful of other weekends. They never go more than 2 months without seeing them for at least a couple days. They also saw each kid within days of their being born and were invited to stay for a week or so.

My parents actually come visit a lot less than inlaws do and I'd estimate they actually spend equal or fewer days with my kids a year, but I am more proactive in making plans with them. I bring the kids to my parents house for 2 weeks or so in the summer, I make sure we spend the holiday with them when its their turn in the rotation, when the babies were born I welcomed my mom staying with me for a week or two

My inlaws are so bitter about this and think I'm favoring my parents access to my kids over my theirs and its "unfair". What drives me insane about this is that it entirely ignores me as a person verus "manager of the kids". I - as an individual person who is tied to my kids as their caretaker - want to see my parents! I want to go to the town I grew up in and spend time there. I want to do the holiday traditions with my mom I grew up with. I want my mom supporting me as a baby. None of this is some sneaky "i want my kids to be closer to my parents and not to my inlaws". I'm allowed to have ways I enjoy spending my time and do those!

They'd have a valid complaint if they weren't getting much time with the grandkids, but they're getting plenty of access. I wouldn't even blame them for being a bit bummed about it that yeah, sorry often times the DHs mom isn't as welcomed in immediately after birth as DWs, but the taking offense by it like I'm somehow being unfair or am not allowed to exist as a person with my own preferences and needs really bugs me.

DH says "you'll understand someday too" since we only have boys. But I just don't agree. Will I be a bit sad if I'm asked to wait a month to meet my first grandkid while my DILs mom gets welcomed the moment they're born? Sure of course, but I'll also understand that DILs mom's role isn't just to "get to hold baby first" - its to take care of her daughter when she's leaking, bleeding, weeping, etc in a way that I just can't. And its not unfair or mean of the couple to ask me to wait. And if DIL is making plans with her parents a lot and the family never comes visit me, assuming there's not a reason for them not to visit me (which I'd try to correct if so!) i'd view that as a thing for me to work on with my son and asking him to be a little more proactive with making time for it versus treating DIL like the manager of the grandchildren who is not aloud to spend her time how she wants. My inlaws are constantly looking for ways to be put out and beancounting (they were upset we saw my parents over covid and not them - but we could drive to my parents in 8 and and it'd take 30 to get to them!! that reality is entirely ignored) instead of just looking at all the opportunity they have for a great relationship with the grandkids.

Rant over


Do you not have friends? This is an awfully long rant to post here.


DP here. You are free to not read the post if it's too long for you, pp.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:54     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.


+1. I don't cater to ungrateful people.


Yeah, I do sometimes want to say "sorry your son doesn't care about seeing you or your kids having a relationship with you. that's a you / dh problem, not a me problem". It is definitely the way they raised him, once I was an adult my mom sat me down and was like "our relationship is now a two way street, if you want us to be close and there for each other you need to put into the relationship too". DHs parents never stopped treating their relationship as one way and catering to him like a child while having no expectation of being cared for back.


There will be an expectation of being cared for once they are elderly and frail. Is he an only child?


he is. i'm staying out of that for now. i do not think he'll rise to the occasion in a major way. i would never let them fall into a bad situation if for example one had passed and the other had dementia and needed help figuring out a living situation, but i'm also not looking to be the primary coordinator of their care. They have plenty of money to hire all variety of help so there's fortunately no situation where they'd have to move in with us and then all the care taking could be dumped on me
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:47     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Tell them to take it up with their son.

I don't make plans with my ILs anymore after the offended me too many times. I also don't stop DH from making plans and I always say yes to their plans. If DH wants them to have birthday/Christmas gifts he must organize it. Unless it is a basket that I'm doing for my family too, then I order 2 and put their name to recieve one (because it's easier). For me the final straw was getting mail addressed to Mrs. Son's Name after 5 year of marriage, chronic questions about "I don't understand why you would want to work/hire a nanny/have friends independent of DH's". I was just done. 15 years of marriage later (20 total), we're so much happier and strong. Now his parents need care and they are looking AT ME, not their son. Nope, not a chance of that happening. They can take it up with their son. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean it's up to me.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:46     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.


+1. I don't cater to ungrateful people.


Yeah, I do sometimes want to say "sorry your son doesn't care about seeing you or your kids having a relationship with you. that's a you / dh problem, not a me problem". It is definitely the way they raised him, once I was an adult my mom sat me down and was like "our relationship is now a two way street, if you want us to be close and there for each other you need to put into the relationship too". DHs parents never stopped treating their relationship as one way and catering to him like a child while having no expectation of being cared for back.


There will be an expectation of being cared for once they are elderly and frail. Is he an only child?
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:44     Subject: Re:I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:You’re all nuts. You sound enmeshed with your parents (maybe because your husband is a workaholic), your in-laws sound nosy and judgmental, and your kids sound very young if they have all this time in the fall to visit family and aren’t busy with school and sports. I’d work on teaching your kids to not give every detail, ie, we went to the pumpkin patch vs. we went to the pumpkin patch with grandma. That’s a life skill.


+1. That's a lot of grandparent time.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:42     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:"they were upset we saw my parents over covid and not them" that's quite a long time to not see the grandkids


it was in the first year before people were flying again. we weren't doing a 30hr drive with a baby and toddler, and they weren't doing it to us either (their choice). My parents chose to do the 8 hour drive to us (we also didn't do it to them). Just different circumstances, not some evil "i allowed my parents to visit while banning my inlaws!"
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:41     Subject: Re:I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Make a spreadsheet listing how many days you spent with each set of grandparents and share it widely


i'm not sure if you're being facetious, but in case not, thats my point. I don't exist only as "manager of kid's time and grandparent access". If I want to go spend 2 weeks in my hometown, I can just do it because I get to spend my time how I want. I shouldn't block a relationship between my inlaws and the kids and should do a reasonable amount to support it for my kids sake, but when I don't have to spend an equal amount of time with my inlaws. If I took the kids to spain for 2 weeks because I wanted to see spain, no one would think it was reasonable to then say "ok you went to spain, now you must visit your inlaws for 2 weeks also".


You sound annoying and dumb. Put down your high and mighty principles and pacify your ILs by showing them how much you are visiting them
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2023 12:41     Subject: I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.


+1. I don't cater to ungrateful people.


Yeah, I do sometimes want to say "sorry your son doesn't care about seeing you or your kids having a relationship with you. that's a you / dh problem, not a me problem". It is definitely the way they raised him, once I was an adult my mom sat me down and was like "our relationship is now a two way street, if you want us to be close and there for each other you need to put into the relationship too". DHs parents never stopped treating their relationship as one way and catering to him like a child while having no expectation of being cared for back.