Anonymous
10/27/2023 00:19
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?
I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.
The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.
Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.
Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.
You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.
And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.
Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need
I parent nothing like that and my kids also don't need consequences from me. Their consequences are a natural result of their own 'mistakes'.
And OP said the kids eat snacks after dinner, not that they refuse to eat dinner. And if they do, big whoop. I don't parent my teens like I did when they were 8.
Op said they barely eat dinner and then go immediately for snacks right after dinner. That shouldn't fly.
I agree that they should be helping to cook. That's a pretty good natural consequence.
Helping cook is not a natural consequence. Helping cook is part of being in the family. Cooking is not a punishment.
Are you the neurotic one? Or just another kook on here?
Anonymous
10/26/2023 23:09
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?
I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.
The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.
Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.
Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.
You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.
And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.
Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need
I parent nothing like that and my kids also don't need consequences from me. Their consequences are a natural result of their own 'mistakes'.
And OP said the kids eat snacks after dinner, not that they refuse to eat dinner. And if they do, big whoop. I don't parent my teens like I did when they were 8.
Op said they barely eat dinner and then go immediately for snacks right after dinner. That shouldn't fly.
I agree that they should be helping to cook. That's a pretty good natural consequence.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 18:56
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?
I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.
The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.
Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.
Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.
You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.
And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.
Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need
I parent nothing like that and my kids also don't need consequences from me. Their consequences are a natural result of their own 'mistakes'.
And OP said the kids eat snacks after dinner, not that they refuse to eat dinner. And if they do, big whoop. I don't parent my teens like I did when they were 8.
Ok. It clearly doesnt bother you. It WOULD bother me and it obviously bothers OP. So coming in telling OP to simply accept it isn't very helpful.
But heads up, when they only experience natural consequences, it's very limiting.
What would you do if DS forget to pick up a sibling from soccer practice? Natural consequence was that sibling had to stand alone in the cold for an extra. And that mom or dad had to go out of their way to get them
There is no natural consequence there for DS. They sat at home and ate their snacks. No natural consequences.
OP asked how to stop harping. I and others are putting the circumstances in perspective. She does not have to harp, or she can harp more selectively.
As for the soccer practice example, I don't put my kids in charge of picking up their sibs.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 17:06
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?
I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.
The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.
Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.
Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.
You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.
And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.
Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need
I parent nothing like that and my kids also don't need consequences from me. Their consequences are a natural result of their own 'mistakes'.
And OP said the kids eat snacks after dinner, not that they refuse to eat dinner. And if they do, big whoop. I don't parent my teens like I did when they were 8.
Ok. It clearly doesnt bother you. It WOULD bother me and it obviously bothers OP. So coming in telling OP to simply accept it isn't very helpful.
But heads up, when they only experience natural consequences, it's very limiting.
What would you do if DS forget to pick up a sibling from soccer practice? Natural consequence was that sibling had to stand alone in the cold for an extra. And that mom or dad had to go out of their way to get them
There is no natural consequence there for DS. They sat at home and ate their snacks. No natural consequences.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 17:02
Subject: How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:I would stop buying snacks. That's the easiest method for you right now. No chips, no ice cream, no candy, whatever it is you don't want him to eat, stop buying it.
Also, have him help cook dinner for the family. 1) he'll have a say in what the meal is and be invested and 2) he'll understand how much goes into preparing food for the family and appreciate you more
This.
This is how as a different PP noted, you ACTUALLY help get him ready for college in 4 years.
It's not to throw your hands up in defeat. It's to teach him the work it takes to prepare a meal, and to shoulder some responsibility (like "I have to get your sister from practice. you are in charge of boiling the water and cooking pasta tonight") for feeding the gamily
Anonymous
10/26/2023 17:01
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?
I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.
The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.
Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.
Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.
You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.
And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.
Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need
I parent nothing like that and my kids also don't need consequences from me. Their consequences are a natural result of their own 'mistakes'.
And OP said the kids eat snacks after dinner, not that they refuse to eat dinner. And if they do, big whoop. I don't parent my teens like I did when they were 8.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:58
Subject: How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
I would stop buying snacks. That's the easiest method for you right now. No chips, no ice cream, no candy, whatever it is you don't want him to eat, stop buying it.
Also, have him help cook dinner for the family. 1) he'll have a say in what the meal is and be invested and 2) he'll understand how much goes into preparing food for the family and appreciate you more
Also, have him help cook dinner for the family. 1) he'll have a say in what the meal is and be invested and 2) he'll understand how much goes into preparing food for the family and appreciate you more
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:48
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?
I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.
The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.
Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.
Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.
You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.
And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.
Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:44
Subject: How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A lot of this stuff you just need to let go. Choose your battles. Snacking is not the hill you want to die on and frankly you’ll never be able to control anyway. It’s not like when they were younger and you had full control over what they eat.
Disagree. It's not necessarily about the snacking. It's about the lack of respect for the work being done to prepare dinner, and the lack of respect for house rules.
Someone spent time and money to prepare the dinner. You don't get to simply ignore that to go eat snack. And if the house rules are no snacks until dinner has been eaten, then those rules need to be respect. DC can discuss the rules, and even respectfully object to the rules, but they still need to follow them.
I think OP said her DS is only 13. Lets not act like this is a college kid home for the summer. This is still a child. One that must respect the rules put forth by the parents.
This is 100% the hill you DO want to die on.
You sound very neurotic.
How is asking my child to eat the dinner I prepared neurotic?
For them to sit at the table, not eat, and then go eat junk from the pantry is rude and disrespectful.
You guys just let your kids walk all over you. It's not about control. It's about mutual respect
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:26
Subject: How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
You must start backing off. Your kid is almost 14 now, not 4. Your kid is off to college in 4 short years. Closer now to college than kindergarten.
Your parenting needs to begin to reflect the passage of time. Stop over-explaining, for starters. Stop re-explaining the things your teen should already know, does know. You don't need to say it again. Let them learn the lesson for themselves. If you over-snack, then you get a stomach ache. If you leave your room a mess, then you can't find what you need in a hurry. Let your kid fail in small ways to learn from it.
Your parenting needs to begin to reflect the passage of time. Stop over-explaining, for starters. Stop re-explaining the things your teen should already know, does know. You don't need to say it again. Let them learn the lesson for themselves. If you over-snack, then you get a stomach ache. If you leave your room a mess, then you can't find what you need in a hurry. Let your kid fail in small ways to learn from it.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:12
Subject: How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Your older child is a girl. This is what teen boys are like. Their development is about 2 years behind girls.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:01
Subject: How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Not so much DD, but 13.5yrs gr.8 DS.
I feel I'm constantly repeating the same things. Here's an example from today:
DS saying he's full from dinner, then eating a bunch of snacks right immediately after dinner. Me: If you're still hungry then you should be eating more dinner, snacks are for lunches, snacks are expensive, snacks are addicting that's why they "hit different" (as he explains it), and on. I'm tired of it. I'm OK with snacks in lunches otherwise I would just stop buying them altogether but it's expensive and not great.
I feel like this happens with so many things. Homework, bedtime, not being on screens before bed, picking dirty laundry up, anything. Like for example he used to leave his soaked used washcloths in a pile in the bathtub or on the counter which DD obviously wasn't keen on. I swear it took like a year and a half to get him to put it in the laundry room (right across from the bathroom).
I just feel frustrated. I over explain, repeat, explain nothing, threaten taking away gaming time, and it's always the same. He's a good kid but basic "rules" seem next to impossible.
Any tips of what has worked for you?
He has had an ed psych evaluation years ago which didn't yield any diagnosis of any sort. He usually gets A's in everything but gym, but it seems to take so long for things to click and him neglecting things is a problem for others (like running out of lunch snacks every week). Dinners are things he likes and there's other "dinner" foods available too.
Nothing about any of this seems close to needing a "diagnosis". Honestly the only thing that would really bother me (I have 3 boys) is the wet washcloths left because that impedes on others. I would hammer that home.
Snacks after dinner do not bother me in the least. It is the reality with boys.
Screens and bedtime are constant conversations but I just do not get worked up about it because none of it is the end of the world.
You don't go into detail about homework but for me as long as it is done and turned in I don't even discuss it with them.
What are you threatening him over exactly?
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:46
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?
I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:42
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager
Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:37
Subject: Re:How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.
Not mine.
He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.
When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.
Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.
Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager