Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in assisted living with dementia and I don't do any of the things the PP listed. They have a concierge doctor who visits the memory care floor and adjusts meds, they email me when she needs more toiletries and I buy them from Amazon and have their shipped to her. We pay someone about $300/week to visit a few times a week and be our eyes and ears and I visit a couple times a month when I can. Honestly I would probably keep her where she is assuming they can easily step up the care when it is needed. You can spend all your time taking care of a parent with dementia, but you don't have to.

This comment is judgmental and misguided, as every situation is different. It’s also why so many caregivers feel unseen and unsupported in this crushing role.

PP - You’re very lucky to have (what sounds like) an otherwise healthy parent, except for the dementia. I’m the poster you responded to and my parent with dementia has 8 specialists to manage all of her medical issues. The in-house doctor is a PCP who won’t touch these chronic health conditions. Her 18 medications, which are administered by the facility, frequently require adjustments and follow-up w/ these specialists. We pay an additional 1-3k monthly for hired comfort care visits and doctor appointment coverage when I have scheduling conflicts. We are very fortunate to have some money, but there simply aren’t unlimited funds to throw at all of this. For some of us, even with a facility AND hired help AND Amazon, the burden is still heavy.

Only you know your specific situation, OP — your mom’s medical needs, the finances available, and the obligations you have to your own work, job, family. These are not easy decisions and there are no perfect solutions. Good luck and hugs from someone else who is in it.

Im the PP. I am sorry if I sounded judgmental. I would say though that it also depends how actively you want to manage your parents other health conditions. We have chosen to not manage most things because my mom would not have wanted her life with dementia prolonged. So no medicines for high cholesterol or things like that. When she broke a bone we did not do the recommended follow up x-rays, etc.

I’m another poster and I just want to say that I don’t think most people would have read what you wrote as judgmental. You are totally right. People can do as much or as little as they want for elderly relatives. I have a horrible dad whom I plan to do nothing for (and neither will my sisters). By saying I (and others) can choose to do nothing, I’m not judging other people who do a lot. I’m glad some people really love their parents!! Different people make different decisions. And people who don’t live locally will definitely have to consider different options than someone totally local.

Even with my relatives I love a lot and will care for, I don’t think I would go into total care and prevention for lots of different conditions. I’m not a believer in extraordinary interventions with elderly people. I come from a long line of women that feel this way. My grandma said every year over 80 was a bonus year and refused treatment for breast cancer and other stuff in her mid-80s. We very much understood her view and would have accommodated that if she had not been capable of making her own choices.

Again, different people have different views, pointing that out (as you did) isn’t judgmental.

If my parent was in a stable situation and did not want to move, I would not move them.

Your sister moved because it is a lot of work if you care about the person. All the doctor visits, dentist visit, hearing aid appts, etc. Add up. Then having to buy toiletries, snacks, etc. Take time. Then add to that with Alzheimer’s comes losing things that they may or May not have hidden. I have spent hours searching for things. It’s organizing and bill paying and throwing away newspapers and magazines. Going and buying greeting cards when my mother wants to send a relative a card fir their birthday or Christmas.

I don’t blame your sister for moving. Unless you live it you can’t understand the stress. I wouldn’t move your mother if she bought in and likes it there. Be aware since your sister isn’t close that your mother is going to need a higher level of care. You are going to have to pay for all the things your sister did.

Anonymous wrote:OP this decision should not be about you, it should be about your mom and what she wants. If she doesn't want to move, support that.

I would consider having a real conversation with your sister to better understand what the day to day is like. But noone can make aging and dementia not painful. Know that and do your best to support your mother. Supporting your mother is not about making it easy for you to drop in and manage everything. Noone cares about that except guilty relatives.

Her mom has dementia so she does not necessarily get to be the only one deciding what happens. this isn't like deciding for someone who is healthy.

OP this decision should not be about you, it should be about your mom and what she wants. If she doesn't want to move, support that.

I would consider having a real conversation with your sister to better understand what the day to day is like. But noone can make aging and dementia not painful. Know that and do your best to support your mother. Supporting your mother is not about making it easy for you to drop in and manage everything. Noone cares about that except guilty relatives.