Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:44
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.
OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.
Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.
Never said I recommended it. I meant no one else will take a violent child.
OP didn't say DS is violent.
I don't know what a school-based solution looks like, but maybe a therapist and a more supportive environment can make it work.
"...repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him."
True, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're physical. Admittedly, my problems were emotional dysfunction rather than physical aggression, so I can't speak to what schools can do for this child. All I can say is my heart goes out to OP and this child. It's immensely painful to go through life like this.
Fights (especially for boys) are physical. “Arguments” are verbal.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:39
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
I don’t think there are any private schools that will take a kid with aggressive behaviors. You may have better luck pursuing special programs within your school system - are there social emotional support programs.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:33
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.
OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.
Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.
Never said I recommended it. I meant no one else will take a violent child.
OP didn't say DS is violent.
I don't know what a school-based solution looks like, but maybe a therapist and a more supportive environment can make it work.
"...repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him."
True, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're physical. Admittedly, my problems were emotional dysfunction rather than physical aggression, so I can't speak to what schools can do for this child. All I can say is my heart goes out to OP and this child. It's immensely painful to go through life like this.
I cannot think of a boy who fights without getting physical. I feel for him, but I also have my children in private to protect them from kids who might harm them. So.
I guess it's clear I wasn't a boy. I wasn't even expelled or counseled out of my private school, so my experience was obviously very different.
Again, I don't know what OP can or should do here. All I know is that it's important not to put the child in a program that uses abusive tactics.
NP. Got it. Very true. Sorry for your suffering.
OP, maybe ask Jeff to put this on special needs forum. They are known for being incredibly helpful.
This is OP. I am aware there is a special needs forum and I deliberately did not put it there because I am not looking for the whole medical / diagnosis approach here. We have done plenty of that, he’s been seeing psychologists on and off for years. I’m looking to surface private school options I might not have thought of.
I have noticed his emotional control getting steadily better outside of school (basically when I’m with him socially, when he’s with his friends, etc) and if anything worse at school, which is leading me to think about the school environment. Also some evidence that he seems to do better in a more structured classroom.
I am well aware that this is a challenging situation and if people don’t have an answer that’s fine.
I suggested the special needs forum because folks there are more likely to have suggestions for schools that can handle behavioral problems. You don’t have to get into the medical/diagnosis situation with them any more than you have here with us. But mainstream privates simply aren’t going to be able or willing to handle the level of disruption and problematic behavior you describe.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:32
Subject: Re:Private school for a "problem" boy
I’m not totally clear about everything that’s going on here, but some of the all-boys schools work well with the more typical male propensity to jump into a fight. Boys schools are better with boys. They might run them/keep them very physically active, appeal to their sense of competition, and highly structure the environment. On the other hand, they will also have and enforce high behavioral expectations.
Private schools, all-boys or otherwise, can and will expel boys who continue to misbehave. The key is that an all-boys school is more likely to be successful in getting a difficult boy to behave in the first place. They are more tuned in how to channel their physicality and engage their interest.
I would visit open houses at Landon, Mater Dei, and The Heights. Ask your questions and be honest in 1:1 conversions with the admissions teams. See what they think. See what you think. Your son doesn’t have to be religious at Mater Dei or Heights, but would need to be respectful.
These schools can all be competitive to get into without the issues your son is facing, so keep that in mind, but look around!
Private schools, all-boys or otherwise, can and will expel boys who continue to misbehave. The key is that an all-boys school is more likely to be successful in getting a difficult boy to behave in the first place. They are more tuned in how to channel their physicality and engage their interest.
I would visit open houses at Landon, Mater Dei, and The Heights. Ask your questions and be honest in 1:1 conversions with the admissions teams. See what they think. See what you think. Your son doesn’t have to be religious at Mater Dei or Heights, but would need to be respectful.
These schools can all be competitive to get into without the issues your son is facing, so keep that in mind, but look around!
Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:32
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.
OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.
Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.
Never said I recommended it. I meant no one else will take a violent child.
OP didn't say DS is violent.
I don't know what a school-based solution looks like, but maybe a therapist and a more supportive environment can make it work.
"...repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him."
True, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're physical. Admittedly, my problems were emotional dysfunction rather than physical aggression, so I can't speak to what schools can do for this child. All I can say is my heart goes out to OP and this child. It's immensely painful to go through life like this.
I cannot think of a boy who fights without getting physical. I feel for him, but I also have my children in private to protect them from kids who might harm them. So.
I guess it's clear I wasn't a boy. I wasn't even expelled or counseled out of my private school, so my experience was obviously very different.
Again, I don't know what OP can or should do here. All I know is that it's important not to put the child in a program that uses abusive tactics.
NP. Got it. Very true. Sorry for your suffering.
OP, maybe ask Jeff to put this on special needs forum. They are known for being incredibly helpful.
This is OP. I am aware there is a special needs forum and I deliberately did not put it there because I am not looking for the whole medical / diagnosis approach here. We have done plenty of that, he’s been seeing psychologists on and off for years. I’m looking to surface private school options I might not have thought of.
I have noticed his emotional control getting steadily better outside of school (basically when I’m with him socially, when he’s with his friends, etc) and if anything worse at school, which is leading me to think about the school environment. Also some evidence that he seems to do better in a more structured classroom.
I am well aware that this is a challenging situation and if people don’t have an answer that’s fine.
OP, they’re great with school advice, too. Not only medical stuff.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:16
Subject: Re:Private school for a "problem" boy
I think you will be hard pressed to find a mainstream private that will take a kid with behavior issues. Since you don't give us any indication of what the therapists you've worked with have said or whether he has any diagnoses, here are a few thoughts:
If his issues stem from social or communication challenges or he has or might have autism, a place like Auburn might work. Parkmont is also a good suggestion. If you are committed to seeking a therapeutic solution, Fusion could be a good option while you do that with the end goal being to transition back to mainstream school.
If his issues stem from social or communication challenges or he has or might have autism, a place like Auburn might work. Parkmont is also a good suggestion. If you are committed to seeking a therapeutic solution, Fusion could be a good option while you do that with the end goal being to transition back to mainstream school.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:01
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Private schools in general aren't going to have the special needs services to support a child the way public schools will. I was a special education teacher in public school and there were services we could leverage (like 1:1 aid when necessary) that many of the private schools just won't accommodate.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 16:10
Subject: Re:Private school for a "problem" boy
I second the suggestion above to look at Parkmont. Maybe also Howard Gardner. I don’t know whether either would take him, but if a change in environment seems to ameliorate the behavior, they might. In other words, I don’t think either school would take a kid that is getting into fights, but one of them might think they have an environment that would alleviate the need for fighting. (I’m a fan of both schools and don’t want to suggest to others that these are schools that condone violence! But both schools take kids that aren’t thriving in their current school.)
Anonymous
10/16/2023 15:54
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
I think private schools is a non-starter for him. Maybe homeschooling or a co-op? Along with getting evaluated. Sorry you're going through this, you sound like a great mom. He'll come out the other side!
Anonymous
10/16/2023 15:40
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.
OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.
Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.
Never said I recommended it. I meant no one else will take a violent child.
OP didn't say DS is violent.
I don't know what a school-based solution looks like, but maybe a therapist and a more supportive environment can make it work.
"...repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him."
True, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're physical. Admittedly, my problems were emotional dysfunction rather than physical aggression, so I can't speak to what schools can do for this child. All I can say is my heart goes out to OP and this child. It's immensely painful to go through life like this.
I cannot think of a boy who fights without getting physical. I feel for him, but I also have my children in private to protect them from kids who might harm them. So.
I guess it's clear I wasn't a boy. I wasn't even expelled or counseled out of my private school, so my experience was obviously very different.
Again, I don't know what OP can or should do here. All I know is that it's important not to put the child in a program that uses abusive tactics.
NP. Got it. Very true. Sorry for your suffering.
OP, maybe ask Jeff to put this on special needs forum. They are known for being incredibly helpful.
This is OP. I am aware there is a special needs forum and I deliberately did not put it there because I am not looking for the whole medical / diagnosis approach here. We have done plenty of that, he’s been seeing psychologists on and off for years. I’m looking to surface private school options I might not have thought of.
I have noticed his emotional control getting steadily better outside of school (basically when I’m with him socially, when he’s with his friends, etc) and if anything worse at school, which is leading me to think about the school environment. Also some evidence that he seems to do better in a more structured classroom.
I am well aware that this is a challenging situation and if people don’t have an answer that’s fine.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 14:33
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
A parochial school with a resource center might work if being in a calmer environment would help him hold himself together. The behavioral expectations would be higher though.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 14:31
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:You need to know why he's struggling. Without understanding the causes, you can't know what support he needs and the next school won't be successful either. What supports have you/the school tried? What evaluations have been done? What's been ruled out?
This would be my question. How much of what’s happening is related to the environment? Would he behave better in a more structured environment? Are there kids picking on him and he’s reacting? Has op observed him in a non-school environment with these behaviors?
Anonymous
10/16/2023 14:11
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:Our son is starting public middle school and has repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him. He has low frustration tolerance, an explosive temper, and is generally unmotivated academically. At the same time he is sociable, likable when he's not angry, clever verbally, and I know from working with him and from his tests that he has decent academic capacity -- he can at least keep up with grade level and exceed it in some areas if he was better motivated.
There is obviously a whole special needs/medicalization discussion one could have here (and we've been having it) but I'm also concerned the current public school environment is just the wrong environment for him -- fairly large and often chaotic classes, and an academic curriculum that isn't motivating him (e.g. he hates clicking through computer / web site based exercises and theres a ton of that where we are). He's expressed to me that he finds school very stressful ("I can handle my emotions, but not at school). It's also very clear that he benefits from being with a mainstream peer group.
It used to be that there were some private schools that could handle "problem" boys like this. I'm not sure such a thing exists any longer. Are there any private schools out there that don't steer clear of intelligent kids with "behavior issues" but actually handle them well? I handle him every day at home and know it's possible.
Is he being bullied or has been in the past? That could be the reason for all of it...
Anonymous
10/16/2023 14:08
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly, many private schools have a lower tolerance for problem behavior than do public schools. But he may indeed benefit from smaller class sizes. Maybe a parochial school?
In theory maybe parochial could be good? But we're not really religious and he's not shy about expressing religious skepticism.
But the issue is we can't just stick him into a random private school that seems good in theory and then have them throw him out when he acts up. At least public schools can't do that. We need a school that feels like it can deal with a kid like this.
Your instinct about parochial schools is spot on. He's so far from the acceptable behavior that he wouldn't last long. Our parochial k-8 would consider a middle schooler talking without raising his hand worthy of an infraction. Losing your temper would be a pretty quick dismissal.
I would not dismiss parochial schools so quickly. I would however, research schools and have discussion with the head of the church before approaching the school.
The family isn’t religious and OP said DS can’t hide his disdain for religion. Parochial won’t work.
OP, public schools are best equipped to handle these problems. Work on the eval and support rather than finding a new school at this point. You may discover something surprising that will impact school choice (like, he is starting fights to hide dyslexia or something). You need to know what you are looking for before you can look.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 14:05
Subject: Private school for a "problem" boy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.
OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.
Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.
Never said I recommended it. I meant no one else will take a violent child.
OP didn't say DS is violent.
I don't know what a school-based solution looks like, but maybe a therapist and a more supportive environment can make it work.
"...repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him."
True, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're physical. Admittedly, my problems were emotional dysfunction rather than physical aggression, so I can't speak to what schools can do for this child. All I can say is my heart goes out to OP and this child. It's immensely painful to go through life like this.
I think most of us were assuming “fights” meant physical—if it was just yelling, I’d have expected a word like “arguments” rather than “fights.” Maybe OP can clarify. It does potentially make a difference if the child is verbally combative vs. physically combative, although I still can’t see most of the mainstream privates putting up with extreme verbal disruption, either.