Anonymous wrote:If you’re the kind of person that puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen, can you ever be happy with a spouse who leaves everything until morning?

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about overnight, but I wouldn’t want dishes from a previous meal sitting in the sink while I was trying to make the next one.

I would just do them though. Or make the kids do them. It’s not any kind of dealbreaker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Anonymous wrote:Not being able to find a solution to this conundrum would be a deal breaker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

as a person that prefers to WAIT and load a bunch of dishes at once (sensory processing issue stuff, but also it feels inefficient to me to open, rise, and load dishes a bunch of times rather than ... just the once .. and yes its a few minutes difference but those few minutes every day adds up over a life time) ... I would argue that they ARE preventing me from doing things if they insist i load as i go vs at one time later in the day ... you are asking me to do somethign I dont want to do because it isn't on YOUR timeline.

The "waiter" isn't preventing the "immediate" loader from anything, if it's important to them to do this several times a day so they can have a "clean kidtchen" then they can. But to force a person to do things on YOUR schedule just because it's YOUR preference ... indicates that the "immediate" loader is the control freak. The "waiter" just isn't as bothered by the sight of dishes and will get to it at the end of the day. Isn't that big of a deal.

The point is, if it IS a big deal, I think most ppl can assume it's the "immediate" loader who is the control freak ... because they are requesting someone does it THEIR WAY and only THEIR WAY

the point is, your inability to see something from another's perspective

Yeah. I can see things from both perspectives. If you think that the specific timing of when you load the dishes is important, then you are saying that you will only do things YOUR WAY. It doesn’t matter if your way is in the am or pm.

It also doesn’t matter if it’s because of anxiety or a sensory processing thing or being bothered by a messy kitchen vs being bothered by a few minutes of inefficiency.
If you can only do things YOUR way, and you can’t compromise, then you are not being a good partner, and you are difficult to live with.


I mean, if you are like other people on this thread, and you do the dishes while your spouse does the laundry, then whatever. That’s life.

But if you also can’t do the laundry in the way that your partner wants you to because you deem small loads on the gentle cycle inefficient. And you can’t cook meals that your partner also likes because you have sensory processing issues. And really you can’t do anything different than your system and the way that you do it ever, then YOU are ALSO difficult, and if you are fighting about this stuff, then you are likely both anxious control freaks.