Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 16:07     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.


Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?


DP: YES. The OP planned this trip — from where they will go, to when they will go, to what kind of budget will be needed . At no point, apparently, has she included her son, let alone his GF in the decision making process. So, yeah, she should pay for them as her guests — instead of assuming that they have and should use their independent means to pay for her “family” trip.


Disagree. She should tell them both they’re welcome to join while paying their own way.


And she should be fine when they say, no, we don’t want to pay for two international flights, plus hotels, plus expenses, and each take 7 days of vacation from work.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 16:03     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.


Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?


DP: YES. The OP planned this trip — from where they will go, to when they will go, to what kind of budget will be needed . At no point, apparently, has she included her son, let alone his GF in the decision making process. So, yeah, she should pay for them as her guests — instead of assuming that they have and should use their independent means to pay for her “family” trip.


Disagree. She should tell them both they’re welcome to join while paying their own way.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 16:03     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.


Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?


DP: YES. The OP planned this trip — from where they will go, to when they will go, to what kind of budget will be needed . At no point, apparently, has she included her son, let alone his GF in the decision making process. So, yeah, she should pay for them as her guests — instead of assuming that they have and should use their independent means to pay for her “family” trip.


Yup. +1000
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:59     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.


Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?


DP: YES. The OP planned this trip — from where they will go, to when they will go, to what kind of budget will be needed . At no point, apparently, has she included her son, let alone his GF in the decision making process. So, yeah, she should pay for them as her guests — instead of assuming that they have and should use their independent means to pay for her “family” trip.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:52     Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:50     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Op, ideally your son would express that he didn't want to spend his hard-earned, limited vacation time without his girlfriend. To want to spend it with you, instead, is a bit weird. Unless he has lots and lots of vacation time. If he isn't expressing this, you should hope he's not afraid/reluctant to say it.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:22     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.


I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.

Nope, it’s not. Just as it’s not weird for the son to see only one of his parents separately sometimes. But offering an expensive, far into the future treat to their son — with the expectation that he push aside his committed relationship to get it is one that will likely have long term consequences on multiple levels.

It sounds as though the parents did not include the son, let alone the couple in their planning process at all. So the son goes alone— possibly damaging relationships with his partner AND with his parents; the couple use time and money that they might not have to spare for something that they had zero voice in planning; or the parents offer the trip to the couple as a gift, rather than press the idea of a “family” vacation—where who is and ISN’T a member of the family gets highlighted.

I would either do the expensive trip with my spouse, or, if money is an issue, including the couple in planning something different that pleases everyone.


To add: In the son’s position, I would not go. So “already buying the tickets” is interesting — especially if mom is planning to just dump all of these pre-paid plans on the son, assuming that he’ll upend his life and his own plans to go along with it. I don’t think mom has recognized that he’s an actual adult with an actual separate life now.


Agree, if I was the son I would not go if my girlfriend (live in) was not invited. As a son I'd prefer to spend my vacation time with my girlfriend not the parents.

Asking only the son will drive a wedge in his relationship with the girl.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:16     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
They live together. She gets invited. They're adults, they are allowed to say no for any reason.

If they do end up getting married, you want the relationship off to a good start, where you treat them as adults.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:12     Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:Girlfriends/boyfriends don’t get wife/husband privileges.


They do if living together and you want your kid to be happy and his/partner to become a part of family.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:04     Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
Do you have other kids? How old are they?
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:02     Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:Girlfriends/boyfriends don’t get wife/husband privileges.


And older adults who have adult children don’t get Parents-of-Small Children privileges.

See how that works?

Make your bed, honey…
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 15:00     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:I would suggest you start letting go of the “family vacation” idea at this point, especially one that requires a lot of expense and advance planning. That’s not really compatible with adult life.


This chin is an adult and presumably has a job and a life. Asking him to take a week off work and be away from gf at that age is a lot. I would invite her and pay.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 14:56     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.


Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?



Yes, exactly.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 14:55     Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
Girlfriends/boyfriends don’t get wife/husband privileges.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 14:55     Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?

Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?

How very interesting.


I don't think it's that weird for mom and dad to want to see their son together.


It’s not weird to want to see their son. It IS weird to try to monopolize an adult child by booking a family vacation as if they were still a child at home. Your kid is an adult - drop the expectation that their priority is to vacation with you.


This^. Y'all are adults going together. He isn't a minor asking to take his middle school BFF.