Anonymous wrote:OP think about what you are showing your NT children. That if they give birth to a "less than perfect" baby it's okay if they want to dump it after a few years. Being a parent, in the best of situations is hard. Being a SN parent is hard, but even more so if you never grieved for that "perfect" child. It seems like you're still trying to have that perfect life, which your one child obviously doesn't fit into.

You need family therapy and to figure out something that will work for you that isn't sending away family members. In reality your NT kids would have a better chance getting adopted. Why not give them up instead? Because they're the "easier" ones?

OMG. Would you just shut the F up? If you feel compelled to speak, go pray for OP rather than spouting this BS.

OP think about what you are showing your NT children. That if they give birth to a "less than perfect" baby it's okay if they want to dump it after a few years. Being a parent, in the best of situations is hard. Being a SN parent is hard, but even more so if you never grieved for that "perfect" child. It seems like you're still trying to have that perfect life, which your one child obviously doesn't fit into.

You need family therapy and to figure out something that will work for you that isn't sending away family members. In reality your NT kids would have a better chance getting adopted. Why not give them up instead? Because they're the "easier" ones?

Therapy for you OP. And look into family therapy as well for your kids.

OP do you have any friends or relatives who you can tap to help you research options? I have a strange talent for doing all sorts of paperwork and benefits research and I happily do this for family members and friends. Maybe you have a friend or relative like me? Your nerdiest friend, the one who went to law school and now does some kind of obscure niche regulatory practice.

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Anonymous wrote:OP are you talking about giving a child up to the foster system? Or about trying to get the child into a residential care home?

Residential care would be great, but my understanding is that those are self-pay. We could never dream of paying for that.

Op, there are other options. CPS actually has a section for getting people residential care for their kids. Call the Voluntary Placement Unit. ASAP. They will help you!!!! They helped us!!!!

can’t the autism waiver help too?

Anonymous wrote:aren’t there publicly funded options for in-home care?

hahahhahahhaahh NO,

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Anonymous wrote:OP are you talking about giving a child up to the foster system? Or about trying to get the child into a residential care home?

Residential care would be great, but my understanding is that those are self-pay. We could never dream of paying for that.

Op, there are other options. CPS actually has a section for getting people residential care for their kids. Call the Voluntary Placement Unit. ASAP. They will help you!!!! They helped us!!!!

Op—consult with an atty. I was overwhelmed and frustrated and briefly looked into it. In my case I wanted to do it in order to access residential services covered by Medicare. I decided it was not the right path for our family.

I have an older child who felt that her life was overshadowed by her brothers needs and the attention we had to devote to him. Our solution was for her to attend boarding school. She is thriving and happy. I was surprised by how much financial aid the boarding schools offered. Some of the schools start as young as 6th grade.

As others have pointed out sometimes you have to pick the least crappy option. I miss her a lot and wish she was home but there is excitement and laughter in her voice when she calls and she deserves that.

I know it’s overwhelming now and there doesn’t seem to be light at the tunnel. I don’t know what the future holds for you and your family but I know whatever decision you make, it is out of love.

I hate to say this OP but would you consider separating from your husband to create one household with your disabled child and another with the other kids? I had a friend growing up whose parents did this because the disabled child was very violent to the sibling. I wonder if the disabled child would do better with less stimulation at home.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I realize the options are incredibly grim for families without exorbitant funds and I can imagine how difficult it could be for you and your other children. To your question, yes it is possible to terminate parental rights. I used to work with adoptive families to try to prevent disruption in families who were struggling, but we were not always successful and sometimes parents would terminate rights and the child would return to the foster care system. Adoptive parent's parental rights are the same as biological, so termination is the same. The child goes into the foster care system and while adoption can happen, that is not a likely scenario. A group home is usually the most likely scenario.

I agree with others, getting the school to pay for residential was usually the most helpful to families but I realize it is a long haul to get there. And if things are going ok in school it might be impossible. I wish I had better ideas for you.

aren’t there publicly funded options for in-home care?

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP, for what your entire family is going through.

I have a neighbor who keeps her non-verbal autistic teen home. It means the loss of one income, and a difficult environment for everyone. I don't know what the future holds for them, but definitely it will cost a ton of money to care for their son all his adult life.

I hope you find a solution.

Adding, this family has already struggled with the private institution paid for by their public school system. Apparently, it did not work out at all!

I certainly encourage you to try all avenues, but I do want to note that private school for SN kids doesn't always help in certain cases.

Also agree on meds if needed. My DS has level 2 autism and his developmental pediatrician started asking about destructive impulsive behaviors, hitting/kicking, etc. starting when he was 4 and said if he had any of those struggles that we could consider one of the ADHD meds at that age. Fortunately that was not an area of concern for him at that point, but most doctors know that ASD, ADHD, and anxiety are more likely to occur in tandem with one another.

I'm so sorry OP, for what your entire family is going through.

I have a neighbor who keeps her non-verbal autistic teen home. It means the loss of one income, and a difficult environment for everyone. I don't know what the future holds for them, but definitely it will cost a ton of money to care for their son all his adult life.

I hope you find a solution.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Dumping a profoundly disabled kid into foster care ain’t it. But I’m guessing OP is indulging herself in a little fantasy to cope with a hard time.

Ok, I'll bite - what is your best solution here? Which crappy, bad path do you think is "best"?