Anonymous wrote:I really feel for you OP, it is a tough situation.  This is why parents should push kids to play a music instrument and get good at a sport so that it will make their lives much easier when they reach HS age.  I am in the military and we move every two or three years but because my kids play music and sports, they are able to easily make friends in new schools.  Both DS and DD are starters on the varsity basketball and soccer teams, and DD is also in the marching band.  DS and five other friends have their own rock band.  These skills are absolutely necessary for introverted kids with anxiety.  It is much easier for people to want to be your friends than the other way around.

Well congrats on your talented kids but this doesn’t work out this way for everyone. We tried this with DS but he is neither musically nor athletically inclined.

Anonymous wrote:I had / have social anxiety and in high school two things helped: joining the track team and getting a job in retail with other same aged kids. Both give you something to do, to rally behind, and to talk about.

As a college student beer and alcohol were what I turned to but I do not recommend, obvi.

As an adult beta blockers.

Fixed typos sorry

I had / have social anxiety and in high school two things helped: joining the track team and getting a hob in retail with other same aged kids. Both give you something to do, to tally behind, and to talk about.

As a college student beer and alcohol were what I turned to but I do not reconnect, obvi.

As an adult beta blockers.

I’m not sure how you can make a teenager join any of these things. It’s late to tell them they must join a sport, theater, club or sports. That’s worked for me in elementary school.

I’m one of the PPs and my kid did play a lot of sports until HS. It’s too competitive now at the school to make the team and there are not rec options. It’s not that easy. I’ve tried to push track or stage crew without luck. This is why we are all focused now on him getting a job, without putting too much pressure. He likes making money. Good luck. It’s hard.

Talk to a psychiatrist as well. Even if he gets involved in activities if he has crippling anxiety it’s still going to be so hard for him. Meds can really change some peoples lives for the better.

My kid takes celexa and anxiety is 90% better. Years of therapy too, but medication was the key. I would recommend meds. My kid always had friends and was popular, but had a lot of physical manifestations of social anxiety (stomach aches, lack of sleep, etc.)

Anonymous wrote:A PP here again. For those whose kids have done social skills groups, can you describe the other kids in the group?

Social skills groups are not for making friends. They are to teach your child how to make friends.

Winter track season try outs are in November. It is much less mileage than fall cross country. It is usually no cut. The track kids are usually pretty nice and welcoming. He should look at the schools athletics website or email the coach for details about tryouts, or ask a kid who did winter track last year. Same with spring track and field, there are shorter distances and other events like hurdles and long jump that most kids have no experience with pre high school. Also thee are things like pasta parties and events to help make friends.

This is so hard. I really feel for you and your sweet boy.

My 17 year old daughter had very similar struggles and her doctor ended up prescribing Zoloft two years ago. It has made a huge difference and she is now able to hang in there through situations that used to feel impossible to her. She has made some friends and is much happier now.

I’m so sorry that you and your son are dealing with this, OP. It is so hard to see our kids struggle..

It does sound like he has social anxiety. I have social anxiety myself, and it really really stinks. What is probably happening is this: other kids are “seeing” his nervousness and feeling uncomfortable, so tend to back away. People instantly seem to pick up on anxiety, no matter how hard you try to “cover”. This reduces your DS’s confidence even further, making him even more anxious the next time, and perpetuates the problem. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Meds (SSRIs) are the only thing that has ever really worked for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same age son and same situation of no friends. It hurts so much I feel physical pain. We try to make sure he always has activities going on during the weekend. Family movies, go out to dinner, run errands with us so that he is not sitting home alone. It is so perplexing to me that DS has no friends because when I was in HS, there was a "lid for every pot." Theater kids, nerdy kids, jocks, the "nice kids" etc.

School has changed and there are less variation of cliques

School is just a sad place to be these days for 90% of kids

This is way too high a percentage and not at all true. Most high schoolers I know have friends.

He probably needs medication if his anxiety is that bad. He can always go on an ssri for a period of time to get past his isolation and then taper off later. Often, therapy will work once the fear and anxiety is a blunted a bit.

I agree with making friends with girls. I have a sophomore girl who is pretty social and boys at age 14-16 seem particularly toxic… most of the boys run in a big pack. She is friends with a lot of them but says they are nice when you get them alone but jerky when in their group. She has made particular friends with a few boys that she calls “the gay best friend” (none of them are gay, I think it’s just a funny name) which are the boys that are rejected by the pack for whatever reason. Usually bc they don’t seem to have cool points or aren’t interested in being jerks. Her and her couple close girlfriends love to invite their guy friends along with them, and the dynamic seems to be good for all of them. Plus I like that my daughter gets to be exposed to non toxic male energy!

So consider activities with more girls than boys for him. Also - activities that may have mixed grades may help?

I hate to suggest social media but joining Snapchat and adding his graduating class high school group and practice texting at first with classmates might help him get over the hump. If he can get to know people in a less pressured way he might be able to translate that to in person

Anonymous wrote:So do kids that get thrown into an activity eventually enjoy it? We've tried Scouts, sports, after school clubs and really nothing has yielded results. He tends to hate it all! I'm stuck between wanting honor his introversion but also pushing himself a little. It all feels like torture.

Are you the OP? If so, throwing a kid with social anxiety into activities typically *is* torture. I posted earlier to this effect: you need to do whatever you can to help him find ONE friend. He just needs one good friend. As my psychologist crush Lisa Damour puts it, a teen with zero friends is a five-alarm crisis situation. One friend can make all the difference.

Also, introversion and social anxiety aren't the same thing. I'm introverted but happy in groups of folks who are my people. I'm not socially anxious, I just don't like prolonged, forced interactions with people not of my choosing, solely for the purpose of interacting. That may or may not be your kid. Again: one friend.

So do kids that get thrown into an activity eventually enjoy it? We've tried Scouts, sports, after school clubs and really nothing has yielded results. He tends to hate it all! I'm stuck between wanting honor his introversion but also pushing himself a little. It all feels like torture.

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's a lot of research showing that having even *one* friend matters hugely for well-being. He doesn't need a group or a ton of friends - just one will make a lot of difference. From there, he could add a few if he wants.

I say this because for a kid with social anxiety, making friends in a group setting is hell. Also because putting him in a group isn't necessary to help him.

How was he with friends when he was younger? Are there any he might reconnect with? Could school admin or teachers be helpful in connecting him with someone? Is there anyone in his classes he feels is more approachable? Again, start small. The suggestions for Scouts and sports and theater are well-intentioned, but for a socially anxious kid who is starting to identify as a loner, he may well feel even more lonely if forced to be with a group.

I believe this. I was always a "one friend" kind of person in high school and never felt lonely at all. Looking back, I hardly ever saw other kids (besides my one friend) outside of school but I have no recollection of ever feeling lonely.