Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents and my spouses parents are the lame in-laws. We enjoy our visits as much as we can but have very little in common with either. We are both family oriented people, so they don't need to be cool.

Was just going to say this. Neither set of parents is cool and we don't prefer time with one over the other, nor do our kids. We largely spend time with them for the benefit of their relationship with our kids, primarily.

This makes me sad. Did you both have bad relationships with your parents growing up? Or, did this start in adulthood and your indifference to them grew over time? How old are you (and they) now? I’m not being critical at all, just trying to understand how things get to this point between adult kids and their parents.

PP here (had not checked the thread in a long time). My parents were abusive and neglectful. I had a really difficult childhood but the problems in our family were very hush hush and not acknowledged, plus my parents stayed married, so no one knew. I didn't really understand it until I started having issues as an adult and started to understand how my childhood experiences were messed up.

My sister does not even speak to our parents. I maintain a relationship but have a lot of boundaries. I want my kids to have relationships with family outside our immediate family unit, so I suck it up a bit.

My DH's family is similar though less extreme. He finds them draining and they don't offer anything in the way of emotional support so we have to be judicious about time with them.

I can tell you it's very hard to raise children when your family is more of a burden than a support. Often our kids are more emotionally mature than their grandparents. Its hard.

My parents are definitely the cool ones. They have a very young persona and are very active and love to do things with our kids. They are not too involved and never butt in and my husband really likes them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's how you tell: where do they spend the most holidays? Do they ever vacation with you or near you?

That's what I've always used as a reference. I can think of several family and friend examples where this is true.

We see my ILs once a year because that's the polite thing to do. We choose to hang out with my parents several times a year because they are fun and enjoyable company. We've vacationed with my parents several times and always have a blast. My spouse texts with my mom pretty frequently.

You left out that you wear the pants in your family and that you iced out your in laws, which is pretty mean.

NP. That’s not about whether a woman “wears pants,” it’s about whether the man is passive and/or disinterested in his family, vs. if he is active and cares about his family.

I have a cousin whose wife prefers to spend all Christmases with her family, and his family “gets” Thanksgiving. My ILs think this is unfair, but the son they raised goes along with it and rarely calls them and is completely disinterested in family dynamics.

Whereas if I told my husband I only wanted certain holidays with my family, or I only wanted to vacation with my family and never his, he would laugh and say “Nope.” And he’s extremely mild-mannered.

The thing is, the premise that “we only spend time with the ones who are fun” is false. My ILs are super boring and seriously overbearing. But we put up with it because they are still good people, and our kids benefit from knowing all of their extended family members, barring any abuse or toxic dynamics. Being super boring does not mean I would refuse to take the occasional vacation with them.