Anonymous
10/02/2023 05:28
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
My 7 and 2 year old DD’s are inseparable and obsessed with each other. I was worried about the gap (infertility) but its been a dream.
Dont overthink it
Dont overthink it
Anonymous
09/28/2023 15:06
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
OP, how much extra bandwidth do you have in your life, generally? Work flexibility, money, support (family or otherwise), time, etc.? So many people "don't feel done" and then realize that the additional kid pushed them past their capacity. It often ends up okay, but you need to consider the need to "feel done" with the very real changes a third child brings.
Also, parenting older kids is a whole other ball of wax. Easier in some ways, harder than others. You can't predict how you'll be with teens, but if you're generally able to not let little things (purees, BLW, etc.) go, consider the chaos of a third generally. Maybe that third kid helps you chill and it'll be great. Maybe not. Who knows. My third was the toughest sleeper (still has night terrors, at 7.5), the most sensitive in some ways. We wanted him fully and our family is complete, but you can't buy into the "third children are easy" rhetoric that some people insist on.
Also, parenting older kids is a whole other ball of wax. Easier in some ways, harder than others. You can't predict how you'll be with teens, but if you're generally able to not let little things (purees, BLW, etc.) go, consider the chaos of a third generally. Maybe that third kid helps you chill and it'll be great. Maybe not. Who knows. My third was the toughest sleeper (still has night terrors, at 7.5), the most sensitive in some ways. We wanted him fully and our family is complete, but you can't buy into the "third children are easy" rhetoric that some people insist on.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 14:36
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The opposite. I LOVE newborns but babies turn into toddlers. If I could skip those years I'd have six babies.
Fwiw I have three and the baby phase with the third was the easiest. You are more confident and spend a lot less mental energy worrying about small stuff.
What do you dislike about newborns? The lack of sleep? The crying? For me I just tell myself the sleep thing is four months long. I can do anything for four months.
Op here. For me it’s the lack of sleep for sure. And also the stress over germs. And the crying really does stress me out. Pumping and breastfeeding. Difficulty traveling. Bottle sterilizing and washing. Baby led weaning. Making purées. Wake windows. Being on a nap schedule. Not being able to take your eyes off off the hazardous toddler for one second without fearing for their life. Once my second child hit 20 months it all felt so much more manageable to me.
NP
I'm currently pregnant with my third, and I also HATE the newborn phase. I decided to make some practical decisions to lesson this (lots of the same concerns as you).
#1 priority is sleep for me. So - I'm going to combo feed from jump (I at least started out exclusively breastfeeding my other two, one it went well, the other not so much). I'm sleeping through at least one feeding absolutely every single day starting day one. Dad can give baby a bottle of formula. If that works, great. If my supply never establishes well, then we'll move to all formula immediately. Benefits of nursing are WAY overblown, and benefits of sleep for me personally are enormous. We're getting a night nanny. Probably not every night - maybe 3 days a week for a while? That'll be the biggest change. We will also (as we did the first two times) sleep train right at 4 months. The Sleep Easy Solution.
No pumping. I'll haakaa for a few ounces in the morning, but that's it. I've literally already gotten rid of my pump. I will completely wean to formula by the time I go back to work at 12 weeks, I'm not dealing with pumping at work.
The baby and I are spending every single night at our own home for the first six months. Full stop. There will be zero traveling. My husband may take the older kids to visit relatives for the weekend occasionally.
Making purees and baby led weaning? Waste of time and energy. Give your kid pre-made baby food, then introduce finger food in a slower fashion. Way less mess, way less fuss. There's a ton of baby food out there that's literally just pureed food and water.
Bottle sterilizing? That shiz goes in the dishwasher. We'll use ready-to-feed when baby is super tiny.
Wake windows and nap schedules - yup. That means our older kids are going to do less for a year. No soccer, no swimming lessons. Mine will be 4.5 and almost 3 when baby arrives, they'll be fine with a slower year.
But the flip side of it is that I SO want a third. My family feels so incomplete, I feel called to do this. So all this other stuff? It's four months. As that other poster said, you can do anything for four months. I look at my kids now and it's so, so worth it.
Op here. Sounds like you have a good attitude about things!
I wouldn’t say my family feels incomplete. I think about a third but if you told me i couldn’t have more children, I’d be very thankful and happy with the family I have. But I also don’t feel done. I know if I had a third I would definitively feel done.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 14:27
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to have a pretty big age gap. I probably wouldn't at this point, should have just pulled the trigger a year ago if you really wanted to do it before you get too comfortable. Your older two are just about to get to the sweet spot and you'll have to start all over again with a baby.
Three years apart is a big gap?
Assuming pregnancy happens right away, lucky if its 3 and the oldest will be 6 years older or more. I barely know my brother 6 years younger than me.
I am much closer and always have been to 7years younger brother than big sis who is 18 months older. Everyone has anecdotes.
And? OP asked a question and I answered it. There's no right answer here. My youngest brother is 6 and 9 years younger than me and my older brother. He grew up like an only child. I have 3 kids spaced within 5 years, it's much better and they are growing up like siblings should.
Op here. I don’t think there’s a big difference between three kids in 5 years and three kids in 6.
But leaving that aside, I’m the youngest of 4 kids. Growing up I was closely with my older siblings who were 6 and 8.5 years older than me. My other brother (who is 3 years older than me) and I fought the most but got super close as teenagers. As adults, I’m closest with my brother 3 years apart and my sister 8.5 years older.
There’s no one way siblings “should” grow up. My parents spaced us nicely so they would have time to focus on each of us as babies. If I’d been pregnant with a 14 month old, I personally would not have managed well.
But you would have been through the part you dislike the most sooner. I prefer having kids in similar stages at the same time. And you actually have to be pregnant now to have that spacing. Secondary infertility is a real thing, it may not happen when you want to or as easily, even if your mind is made up.
Totally. I actually have embryos frozen. My second was an IVF baby. There is a possibility that it takes longer than expected but do have some degree of control over spacing if it were to work out.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 14:23
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to have a pretty big age gap. I probably wouldn't at this point, should have just pulled the trigger a year ago if you really wanted to do it before you get too comfortable. Your older two are just about to get to the sweet spot and you'll have to start all over again with a baby.
Three years apart is a big gap?
Assuming pregnancy happens right away, lucky if its 3 and the oldest will be 6 years older or more. I barely know my brother 6 years younger than me.
I am much closer and always have been to 7years younger brother than big sis who is 18 months older. Everyone has anecdotes.
And? OP asked a question and I answered it. There's no right answer here. My youngest brother is 6 and 9 years younger than me and my older brother. He grew up like an only child. I have 3 kids spaced within 5 years, it's much better and they are growing up like siblings should.
Op here. I don’t think there’s a big difference between three kids in 5 years and three kids in 6.
But leaving that aside, I’m the youngest of 4 kids. Growing up I was closely with my older siblings who were 6 and 8.5 years older than me. My other brother (who is 3 years older than me) and I fought the most but got super close as teenagers. As adults, I’m closest with my brother 3 years apart and my sister 8.5 years older.
There’s no one way siblings “should” grow up. My parents spaced us nicely so they would have time to focus on each of us as babies. If I’d been pregnant with a 14 month old, I personally would not have managed well.
But you would have been through the part you dislike the most sooner. I prefer having kids in similar stages at the same time. And you actually have to be pregnant now to have that spacing. Secondary infertility is a real thing, it may not happen when you want to or as easily, even if your mind is made up.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 14:22
Subject: Re:If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
My 3rd was the hardest baby objectively. He’s 7 now and the challenging first few years are a distant memory. If you want a 3rd, and you are confident that you and your family will make it through the tough infant stage despite it being hard, then I think it’s worth taking the long view and going for it. But if it just feels too overwhelming it’s also okay to decide not to go for it, too.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 14:17
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
Anonymous wrote:I'm only saying this because it's an anonymous forum, but if you have two generally healthy kids, I'd advise you to deeply consider if you'd be prepared for a 3rd that has special needs, medical conditions, etc. I know several families where their 3rd has Down syndrome, autism, etc and it has profoundly shifted their family dynamics.
As a mom with a kid with Autism( the first child) I find this thinking very offensive. Every new family member "shifts " the family dynamic. The idea that you kids have to be 'perfect' otherwise you wouldn't want them to be born. Also, kids with Down Syndrome's lives are so much more enriched than before. Before they basically told you to put them in an institution but, now kids are going to school and becoming members of society! I mean your neurotypical kid could end up being not great people but hey at least they don't have AUTISM or DOWN Syndrome!
Anonymous
09/28/2023 13:23
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to have a pretty big age gap. I probably wouldn't at this point, should have just pulled the trigger a year ago if you really wanted to do it before you get too comfortable. Your older two are just about to get to the sweet spot and you'll have to start all over again with a baby.
Three years apart is a big gap?
Assuming pregnancy happens right away, lucky if its 3 and the oldest will be 6 years older or more. I barely know my brother 6 years younger than me.
I am much closer and always have been to 7years younger brother than big sis who is 18 months older. Everyone has anecdotes.
And? OP asked a question and I answered it. There's no right answer here. My youngest brother is 6 and 9 years younger than me and my older brother. He grew up like an only child. I have 3 kids spaced within 5 years, it's much better and they are growing up like siblings should.
Op here. I don’t think there’s a big difference between three kids in 5 years and three kids in 6.
But leaving that aside, I’m the youngest of 4 kids. Growing up I was closely with my older siblings who were 6 and 8.5 years older than me. My other brother (who is 3 years older than me) and I fought the most but got super close as teenagers. As adults, I’m closest with my brother 3 years apart and my sister 8.5 years older.
There’s no one way siblings “should” grow up. My parents spaced us nicely so they would have time to focus on each of us as babies. If I’d been pregnant with a 14 month old, I personally would not have managed well.
Ok. You asked the question. You may not like all the answers. So go ahead and have the 3rd baby, sounds like you've made your mind up.
I haven’t! But this spacing is less of my concern.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 13:22
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to have a pretty big age gap. I probably wouldn't at this point, should have just pulled the trigger a year ago if you really wanted to do it before you get too comfortable. Your older two are just about to get to the sweet spot and you'll have to start all over again with a baby.
Three years apart is a big gap?
Assuming pregnancy happens right away, lucky if its 3 and the oldest will be 6 years older or more. I barely know my brother 6 years younger than me.
I am much closer and always have been to 7years younger brother than big sis who is 18 months older. Everyone has anecdotes.
And? OP asked a question and I answered it. There's no right answer here. My youngest brother is 6 and 9 years younger than me and my older brother. He grew up like an only child. I have 3 kids spaced within 5 years, it's much better and they are growing up like siblings should.
Op here. I don’t think there’s a big difference between three kids in 5 years and three kids in 6.
But leaving that aside, I’m the youngest of 4 kids. Growing up I was closely with my older siblings who were 6 and 8.5 years older than me. My other brother (who is 3 years older than me) and I fought the most but got super close as teenagers. As adults, I’m closest with my brother 3 years apart and my sister 8.5 years older.
There’s no one way siblings “should” grow up. My parents spaced us nicely so they would have time to focus on each of us as babies. If I’d been pregnant with a 14 month old, I personally would not have managed well.
Ok. You asked the question. You may not like all the answers. So go ahead and have the 3rd baby, sounds like you've made your mind up.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 13:00
Subject: Re:If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
I have 3 with the spacing you would have if you got pregnant soon, and being on the other side of it, that time is such a blip! I barely remember it and I find it so fun to have 3, especially now that they are a little older. Youngest is second grade.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 12:48
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
We should trade. I'll take your newborns and you take my toddlers. I LOVED being pregnant, newborns, breastfeeding nonstop, sleep training. Heck I even liked potty training at 20 months. 2 and 3 year olds are just so so hard. They don't listen, they aren't rational and they yell a lot.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 12:45
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The opposite. I LOVE newborns but babies turn into toddlers. If I could skip those years I'd have six babies.
Fwiw I have three and the baby phase with the third was the easiest. You are more confident and spend a lot less mental energy worrying about small stuff.
What do you dislike about newborns? The lack of sleep? The crying? For me I just tell myself the sleep thing is four months long. I can do anything for four months.
Op here. For me it’s the lack of sleep for sure. And also the stress over germs. And the crying really does stress me out. Pumping and breastfeeding. Difficulty traveling. Bottle sterilizing and washing. Baby led weaning. Making purées. Wake windows. Being on a nap schedule. Not being able to take your eyes off off the hazardous toddler for one second without fearing for their life. Once my second child hit 20 months it all felt so much more manageable to me.
NP
I'm currently pregnant with my third, and I also HATE the newborn phase. I decided to make some practical decisions to lesson this (lots of the same concerns as you).
#1 priority is sleep for me. So - I'm going to combo feed from jump (I at least started out exclusively breastfeeding my other two, one it went well, the other not so much). I'm sleeping through at least one feeding absolutely every single day starting day one. Dad can give baby a bottle of formula. If that works, great. If my supply never establishes well, then we'll move to all formula immediately. Benefits of nursing are WAY overblown, and benefits of sleep for me personally are enormous. We're getting a night nanny. Probably not every night - maybe 3 days a week for a while? That'll be the biggest change. We will also (as we did the first two times) sleep train right at 4 months. The Sleep Easy Solution.
No pumping. I'll haakaa for a few ounces in the morning, but that's it. I've literally already gotten rid of my pump. I will completely wean to formula by the time I go back to work at 12 weeks, I'm not dealing with pumping at work.
The baby and I are spending every single night at our own home for the first six months. Full stop. There will be zero traveling. My husband may take the older kids to visit relatives for the weekend occasionally.
Making purees and baby led weaning? Waste of time and energy. Give your kid pre-made baby food, then introduce finger food in a slower fashion. Way less mess, way less fuss. There's a ton of baby food out there that's literally just pureed food and water.
Bottle sterilizing? That shiz goes in the dishwasher. We'll use ready-to-feed when baby is super tiny.
Wake windows and nap schedules - yup. That means our older kids are going to do less for a year. No soccer, no swimming lessons. Mine will be 4.5 and almost 3 when baby arrives, they'll be fine with a slower year.
But the flip side of it is that I SO want a third. My family feels so incomplete, I feel called to do this. So all this other stuff? It's four months. As that other poster said, you can do anything for four months. I look at my kids now and it's so, so worth it.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 11:28
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
I'm only saying this because it's an anonymous forum, but if you have two generally healthy kids, I'd advise you to deeply consider if you'd be prepared for a 3rd that has special needs, medical conditions, etc. I know several families where their 3rd has Down syndrome, autism, etc and it has profoundly shifted their family dynamics.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 11:22
Subject: Re:If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
My third just turned one and he’s been the easiest by far. He’s been the happiest of my three and that makes a world of difference. We have a day nanny because we both work and that certainly helps.
Anonymous
09/28/2023 10:49
Subject: If you wanted a third, but dreaded newborn phase again
In many ways my third was the hardest of my babies, mostly because we ended up moving when he was 4 months old. He never really got the hang of sleeping through the night, and because we were in transition for several months, we never pushed it. But! I do agree that mentally it's much easier, because you've already kept two humans alive, and you learn (and the third one learns) to go with the flow, and sleep wherever they can. I also agree with an earlier poster that in some ways, you relish and enjoy the babyhood more (I'm with you, by the way, in disliking baby years!) because it's your last. Could not imagine our lives without him.