Anonymous wrote:I hate this time of year. My DS has zero friends (I have posted about this many times) and I just hate, hate, hate this time of year when Homecoming is at hand and my DS has yet another thing to miss out on. He has asked a few acquaintances if they are going and they told him no (probably not true). Just venting because I get so sad hearing/seeing all the Homecoming prep and photos and knowing how much by DS struggles even trying to make any friends let alone having some right-of-passage type event to go to.

I'm sorry, OP. I know how our kid's pain hurts parents.

FWIW, my son has a girlfriend, is somewhat popular (yet not in the friend group I would prefer), and he isn't going.

I was a total nerd and didn't go until my senior year, and then with a friend, not a boyfriend.

I agree, the internet has ruined everything. Remember those pretty pictures don't always tell the real or whole story. The one year my son did go to homecoming, I did post a cute pic. But the weeks leading up to that had been miserable with a husband/father drinking too much and a fight between him and my son that almost came to blows.

My school had homecoming but I didn’t even know what it was so didn’t go. I still don’t know what it was all about.
I haven’t thought about until I read this thread over 30 years later, what did I miss?

We're a family of introverts and some of us have autistic traits. We ignore all those events, since no one in the family is interested. None of us are on social media, so we're not bombarded with much. I see on the high school listserve that some people are talking about tickets, and maybe DCUM will have a few threads about it, but that's it.

You can't change who your kid is, OP. And remember that they might blossom later, in college. There was a period in high school when I had no friends and went to zero events. It didn't stop me from having a nice circle of friends in college and beyond. I am not a party girl, and would rather see friends one on one.

Hang in there. High school can be tough both on kids and parents.

Would love input on how to help him. Don't want to give too many details to out myself but I myself have connections in the community so it's not that I am absent from the situation. I encourage DS to invite other kids who seem like a good fit to do things. For instance, if I see other quiet, seemingly nice kids at school who he knows, I encourage him to see if they want to come over or go see a movie, whatever. I encourage him to connect with kids he has known in the past who seem like nice, genuine kids. He either does not do it or asks, and the kids blow him off. Last year, he had kids over on three occasions to play bball, hang, etc. and no one ever reciprocated. I would love non-judgmental insight into what more I can do. When I am at the sports events, he is fully integrated into the groups but that is where it ends. I am at a loss about what more I can do to help.

You need to help him figure out why he’s on two varsity sports but hasn’t developed a close enough friendship with anyone to do anything outside of school. Complaining about Homecoming doesn’t help him. What are you doing to actually help him overcome this?

Focus on helping your son get friends!! Parents can and should do a lot.

OP here. Thank you to the last two prior posters. You nailed it. The big spectacle of Homecoming (as it most certainly is at our school) makes it hard for kids who are left out. It is ALL the kids talk about (I have another DC at the school so I know the drill).

He has people to sit with at lunch this year (has not always been the case) and acquaintances he talks to at sport practices (2 varsity sports) and in class. But he does not have friends outside of school. He is always left out and gave up on reaching out to other kids who always said no to getting together. As to "why" it is actually a mystery to us but some combination of pandemic stunting, two good friends moving away right as middle school started and being very slow to mature. And for those who always chime in with this... no, he does not really play video games or engage in online social media. He will game on the VERY rare occasions someone asks him to play, but we cannot blame the Internet/gaming in his case.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate this time of year. My DS has zero friends (I have posted about this many times) and I just hate, hate, hate this time of year when Homecoming is at hand and my DS has yet another thing to miss out on. He has asked a few acquaintances if they are going and they told him no (probably not true). Just venting because I get so sad hearing/seeing all the Homecoming prep and photos and knowing how much by DS struggles even trying to make any friends let alone having some right-of-passage type event to go to.

Homecoming is a minor thing. A major thing is your child has no friends no matter what time of year it is. Focus on that.

NP—but it’s annoying how flippant you are about OP’s predicament.
Sounds like OP’s DS doesn’t have friends and of course that’s a concern. But the big spectacle that is homecoming tends to highlight when one doesn’t have a “group” to hang with.
Her DS probably doesn’t eat lunch alone. And has enough people at school who are friendly to him so that it’s not a huge issue on a daily basis for casual social interaction. But when kids get together to firm homecoming groups, her DS isn’t included and it sucks for him. And it’s hard for OP to watch.
I have compassion for your OP. It’s just a part of parenting that hurts.

NP - I think you’ve nailed in exactly for OP’s son. I don’t have a high schooler yet, but see the same scenario with two of my kids. They’re well liked by classmates and teammates, have people to eat with at lunch, but when social gatherings/weekend plans/sleep overs happen they’re always left out.

They’ve also discovered if they ask someone to do something they’ll be told “oh I’m going xxx with xxxx.” Even worse when they’re told a whole bunch of mutual friends are getting included and they’re not invited. Oldest doesn’t even want to try anymore.

So I hear you OP, I’m not looking forward to try to help mine navigate these things when the time comes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate this time of year. My DS has zero friends (I have posted about this many times) and I just hate, hate, hate this time of year when Homecoming is at hand and my DS has yet another thing to miss out on. He has asked a few acquaintances if they are going and they told him no (probably not true). Just venting because I get so sad hearing/seeing all the Homecoming prep and photos and knowing how much by DS struggles even trying to make any friends let alone having some right-of-passage type event to go to.

Homecoming is a minor thing. A major thing is your child has no friends no matter what time of year it is. Focus on that.

NP—but it’s annoying how flippant you are about OP’s predicament.
Sounds like OP’s DS doesn’t have friends and of course that’s a concern. But the big spectacle that is homecoming tends to highlight when one doesn’t have a “group” to hang with.
Her DS probably doesn’t eat lunch alone. And has enough people at school who are friendly to him so that it’s not a huge issue on a daily basis for casual social interaction. But when kids get together to firm homecoming groups, her DS isn’t included and it sucks for him. And it’s hard for OP to watch.
I have compassion for your OP. It’s just a part of parenting that hurts.

Anonymous wrote:I hate this time of year. My DS has zero friends (I have posted about this many times) and I just hate, hate, hate this time of year when Homecoming is at hand and my DS has yet another thing to miss out on. He has asked a few acquaintances if they are going and they told him no (probably not true). Just venting because I get so sad hearing/seeing all the Homecoming prep and photos and knowing how much by DS struggles even trying to make any friends let alone having some right-of-passage type event to go to.

Homecoming is a minor thing. A major thing is your child has no friends no matter what time of year it is. Focus on that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that my kid's school doesn't have a homecoming dance. Some county schools do and some don't. Not sure how that works.

It’s stupid. All about the football players. I’m glad there was no such thing in the Boston area where I grew up. And king and queen? Stupidest part of the whole thing.

To the OP, I would take a three day weekend with the family and go somewhere fun.

My son was on the high school football team last year. To him and his friends, homecoming was the game. None went to the dance. I was surprised how many kids didn’t go to the prom either.

I hear you, OP. I have the same feeling about my DS.

My kid is in TJ and homecoming is a big boy so thing. My daughter is looking for a group to hang out with.

Does it bother him? My DS, who is on the autism spectrum, has no real friends but some acquaintances that he talks to. He never went to homecoming or prom, but he didn’t care.

DD, who is very social, doesn’t really care about rah-rah school events either.

If he feels lonely, work on finding groups that he would be interested in. If he seems content, I wouldn’t worry.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are too enmeshed in your kid’s social life.

I think most parents who post here are. Just today I saw a post where a parent had written "We are in 11th grade...". No. Your child is in 11th grade. YOU (presumably) graduated years ago.