Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you fly out one of your parents for this role?

They are also invited to the wedding.

I think PP meant in laws.

Yes, my parents (DH’s in laws) are also invited to the wedding and all associated events.

Everyone takes turns watching the kids, that's what my cousin did at her sister's wedding. It was not an issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?

- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests

This is insane. People get a wedding DAY, not a wedding weekend. I’d skip Thursday and Sunday, but that’s me. I wouldn’t have agreed for both my DH and I to be in the wedding party for a 4 day wedding celebration with kids these ages. Four days is a lot of time for little kids to be off their schedule with distracted parents trying to participate in all these wedding events. But what’s done is done, so bring the nanny.

I would split it up a bit. DH goes on Thursday, you nanny and kids go Friday. It would save a little money and 3 days sounds less tiring for you and the kids than 4 days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?

- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests

-Welcome party: attend briefly with the kids. Bow out early while DH stays.
-Friday night: your parents watch the one year old. You, DH, and the older kid attend rehearsal and dinner. Post-rehearsal dinner party is just excessive. Maybe send DH, but no need for you all to attend.
-Wedding day: ask your parents to watch the one year old. DH be fully responsible for the older kid who's in the wedding. You maintain fexibility to switch off with your parents whenever you're not actively needed (for make up, photos, and ceremony). You step back during reception to be with your kids and parents while DH does his duty.
-Brunch: bring the kids and enjoy.

This is assuming your parents are up to it. Mine would be and my mom would actually insist on it.
I would also be very clear about their expectations: you're parents to very young kids and even with help, you cannot party like a non-parent anymore. If they have issues with it, they can pound sand.

I agree with this, so long as your parents are amenable and your kids would be comfortable with that arrangement. Do they really want to attend all these events in the first place? It's a lot!

My sister got married when my first DC was 6 months old. I was in the wedding. She invited my ILs to the wedding and they came and attended the wedding, but also helped out, e.g., they watched DC during the rehearsal dinner and also took him back to the hotel early from the wedding reception. It was still kind of a stressful weekend, and childless betrothed couples can be kind of clueless about how having kids changes things (I was also a nursing mom which my sister did not get at all, years later once she had a baby of her own she apologized).

Anonymous wrote:

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with childcare. We have a nanny, but it would be super expensive to fly her out and pay all the overtime that would be required. But I think it’s our only real option.

You decided to bear the expense when you decided to parent 2 children.

Ah yes, you’re right, when I decided to have two children, I should have planned for all possible contingencies, including considering the kind of wedding my BIL’s wife’s family decided to throw.

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with childcare. We have a nanny, but it would be super expensive to fly her out and pay all the overtime that would be required. But I think it’s our only real option.

You decided to bear the expense when you decided to parent 2 children.

Op here. Thanks for all of the helpful responses and suggestions. We do want to make this work because, as others have noted, this is DH’s brother! For reasons I won’t get into, the only family DH has is his parents and his brother, plus some distant cousins who almost certainly won’t come. So our (or even my) absence from the events would be significant, and we want to be as present as possible.

Four days of wedding festivities sounds absolutely exhausting.

Another vote for bringing the nanny.

Anonymous wrote:We had a really rough experience with similar aged kids at a destination wedding of a family member, and even years later when the sibling talks about the wedding / posts about the anniversary I feel a pit in my stomach. It was just so hard, pressured, demanding, expensive, and everyone got so sick (the baby severely). We had major travel delays too—basically, everything that could go wrong did.

So I would bring the nanny, for sure, and I’d think about the kids you have, how well they travel, and be realistic about what you’re willing to do. It sounds like you will have a lot of family there—will they be helpful?

I’m the person who got a local nanny at a ski resort. It was a really tough weekend. The baby got croup and was up all night before the wedding / reception holding a wheezing baby in a steamy shower. I look exhausted and not at all my best in the photos. I barely remember any of it, but it was important to me that my husband have the memories with his parents and siblings. Would I do it for a cousin? No. Would I do it again for my other SIL later this year? Absolutely! This time it’s ski-resort bride who will be the maid of honor with a 2yr old and a 4yr old. In her defense, she didn’t have kids yet and had No Idea how hard and expensive that weekend was for us.

My advice for OP is that if family members say “you don’t need a nanny, we will help” do not believe them unless they have a solid track record of being actually helpful. Even then write out a schedule of events and who is doing what regarding kids’ eating schedule, naps, expectations when you will be available (kid free) for hair, makeup, photos. Expectations of what events the kids need to make an appearance at. Be flexible, but also be honest with the bride and groom if needed. My SIL wanted to have dinner food and high chairs for my kids at the reception, but dinner was at 8pm! The kids came to cocktail hour only.

We went to a wedding at a ski resort when my kids were 3 and 1. I used the resort concierge to vet a few caregivers from Aspen equivalent of White House Nannies. It cost a bunch, but it was WAY less than a flight, private room, and tons of OT if we brought someone with us. We were able to find a local woman who was with our kids part of the day for all 4 days. The consistency helped with my kids’ comfort with her. We rented a pack-and-play, stroller, AND a large bin of age appropriate toys from a local company and my kids loved the novelty of different toys.

We had to run back and forth between our condo and the various events on the sprawling property many times - so make sure to have comfy shoes! The baby needed to pop “home” for a nap while the preschooler ring bearer was in photos. Both kids made a brief appearance at the reception and then were taken home for dinner and bedtime with the nanny.

We've done this twice with siblings on both sides of the family - destination weddings with a toddler and infant. One time we hired a sitter (I had a college friend in the area who gave us the name of her trusted sitter) and the other we took our local sitter with us and rented a house. Both were expensive, but we could affort it and they are our siblings who we love dearly and had cheerfully celebrated all our milestone events, so we made it work.

We had a really rough experience with similar aged kids at a destination wedding of a family member, and even years later when the sibling talks about the wedding / posts about the anniversary I feel a pit in my stomach. It was just so hard, pressured, demanding, expensive, and everyone got so sick (the baby severely). We had major travel delays too—basically, everything that could go wrong did.

So I would bring the nanny, for sure, and I’d think about the kids you have, how well they travel, and be realistic about what you’re willing to do. It sounds like you will have a lot of family there—will they be helpful?

Is it possible that your BIL invited your parents with the assumption that they may want to help you with your family? Do your parents want to attend all the events? I'm not saying your parents should help you since they will also be invited guests, but its worth the conversation to see if they can help you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?

- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests

-Welcome party: attend briefly with the kids. Bow out early while DH stays.
-Friday night: your parents watch the one year old. You, DH, and the older kid attend rehearsal and dinner. Post-rehearsal dinner party is just excessive. Maybe send DH, but no need for you all to attend.
-Wedding day: ask your parents to watch the one year old. DH be fully responsible for the older kid who's in the wedding. You maintain fexibility to switch off with your parents whenever you're not actively needed (for make up, photos, and ceremony). You step back during reception to be with your kids and parents while DH does his duty.
-Brunch: bring the kids and enjoy.

This is assuming your parents are up to it. Mine would be and my mom would actually insist on it.
I would also be very clear about their expectations: you're parents to very young kids and even with help, you cannot party like a non-parent anymore. If they have issues with it, they can pound sand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are all these events that you can't bring the kids? You've only mentioned the brunch besides the wedding itself. Why can't the kid sit with any of the grandparents during the ceremony? And you can watch the kids yourself at the brunch. What else is going on?

- Welcome party on Thursday night
- Rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, post-rehearsal dinner party on Friday night. For close family and friends, there is also a lunch on Friday (for the women) and separate activity for the guys.
- Ceremony, reception, after party on Saturday night. During the day on Saturday, DH and I will be with the wedding party because we’re in the wedding. So for me I assume that means hair/makeup starting sometime mid-morning, plus photos at some point etc.
- Big brunch on Sunday morning for all wedding guests

You need to bring your nanny, or make it clear to the bride and groom you can not participate at the level they are thinking you will.

My brother had 2 toddlers when I got married. His MIL (his wife's mom) came and took care of the kids. She was an angel! Brought the kids to the ceremony, and then we arranged a car to get her back with the kids to where they were staying since the parents didn't think the reception was a fun idea for them. I am still thankful she helped out so my brother and SIL could hang out with us and it's been 15 years.