Has any parent had a sex conversatiom with the kid's bf/gf? How did it go?

Anonymous wrote:lol I grew up around purity culture where many girls based their worth on their virginity. Purity rings worth five figures were commonplace.

I will say that I have never known so many girls having anal sex as at my conservative high school.

This. So they can tell their parents they're still virgins. Oral sex was what most girls did at my conservative school and church camp.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it's fully possible these days, but limiting access to media where casual sex is the norm and/or watching movies/shows with them and talking about it.

I was never allowed to watch "mature" shows growing up (like 90210 was forbidden). I could only watch things like Full house and Cosby. I think watching something where sex among high schoolers was the norm would have changed my attitude.

Also, any modern day sex talk should include warnings about pirn, particularly warning that it is not what you should expect in real life with real people.

Lol about church being the answer. So many of my friends had their first time at the church lock-ins and Young Life retreats.

Limiting isn't very practical, but you can drown it out with alternative messaging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol I grew up around purity culture where many girls based their worth on their virginity. Purity rings worth five figures were commonplace.

I will say that I have never known so many girls having anal sex as at my conservative high school.

Five figures? What? I can't even handle the idea of four figure purity rings.

I can’t even handle the idea of a four figure wedding ring.

If you are married, I salute you.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't have sex until college. My parents especially my father was very clear that if I got pregnant I would be on my own.
I'm not sure what would have happened but it put the fear of God in me.
Now I'm wondering what to do with my own kids. I don't want to make idle threats, but the other thread about allowing the 15 yo over at her boyfriends house is making me think that I need to think of something.
My oldest child is 10 so we haven't had the full sex talk yet.
What are other parents doing to prevent teenage sex/pregnancy etc.

What kind of conversations have you had? By this age, your kid should know how people get pregnant and there should have been routine commentary on messaging, safety and body autonomy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

+1
Most teens globally are not having sex, so it is actually not the norm to be sexually active. In fact, I wonder why any teen would have sex? It makes them vulnerable and messes them up in so many ways.

I think that how teens think about sex is a function of their family dynamics, socialization, attitude of the parents and culture. Also, teens who lack a sense of purpose and pride in their achievement, and who do not get time from the parents - quality and quantity - are more apt to have sex.

I have to wonder what your childhood was like or if you, perhaps, are not NT. People, not just teens, have sex for all kinds of reasons but one of the biggest is that it (and the lead up to it) feel really good. NOTHING feels like sexual attraction and the physicality of sex. Even when there are abhorrent, tragic consequences for having extra/pre-marital sex, people engage in it because of the feelings and pleasure it generates. How can you not know that or remember that from your youth? I was born in the 60s in the rural, conservative, bible thumping midwest. A girl/woman's value was definitely diminished having sex outside of marriage or, god forbid, being a 'slut'. Yet, teen pregnancy was prevalent.

Unless you're willing to lock down your teens and impose stiffling restrictions and conditions on them, you cannot completely control their bodily autonomy. You are better off having age appropriate conversations about sex, contraception, feelings, relationships and medical care starting at early ages so that when your kids are making decisions, they make better ones. Don't forget to include drugs/alcohol in those conversations.

Kids have sex anywhere. In the woods, behind the bleachers, good luck trying to prevent it.
You having avoided the topic means your kid is never going to be comfortable appoaching you about this and could likely end up in trouble. My children told me when they were ready for birth control. Because I'd been talking about it since their childhood.

My teen who is still a virgin asked me to buy her a vibrator last month, which I did. She was able to say this to me without shame. I consider that a parenting win.

You gotta have that talk ASAP.

There were two 5th graders caught performing oral 2 years ago in my DD's school. They were 10 and 11.

I monitored my kid's texts when they first got their cellphones and I can confirm, both sexes start talking about sex super early!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

This. You can also discourage/ interfere with the boyfriend concept at the age of 15.

+1. The family being active in a church or synagogue can be a big help.

Ha ha! The Catholic Church did not stop me from pre-martial sex!

So true!!

The catholic school girls are THE most aggressive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

This. You can also discourage/ interfere with the boyfriend concept at the age of 15.

You can try, but it makes it much more tempting

Sending them to a girls' school would help. Sure, there are girls who have sex but my daughter and friends are juniors and have never dated (or in most cases even talked with boys). I was just talking to a group of parents whose daughters graduated in June and they're heading to college having never dated, kissed, etc. boys. We were talking about it in the context of it NOT being an ideal part of an all-girls education but if you're hoping to have your daughter avoid any physical relationship in high school it might help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea about the other thread in which you are talking about but if I had a girl, I would require her to be on birth control. The same as requiring her to get shots throughout childhood.

Ok Jamie Spears.

There’s a huge difference between giving your child a tool to prevent life changing pregnancy and not allowing an adult to make reproductive choices.

Providing/recommending birth control to a teen who wants it is different than "requiring" it just because they are a teen girl. The BCP can also have negative side effects so I wouldn't force it on anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea about the other thread in which you are talking about but if I had a girl, I would require her to be on birth control. The same as requiring her to get shots throughout childhood.

Ok Jamie Spears.

There’s a huge difference between giving your child a tool to prevent life changing pregnancy and not allowing an adult to make reproductive choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The starting point is having a personal morality that you work from infancy to inculcate into your child, teaching that sexual relations have meaning beyond the mechanics and are not simply pleasant friction between two hormonally attracted individuals.

This. You can also discourage/ interfere with the boyfriend concept at the age of 15.

+1. The family being active in a church or synagogue can be a big help.

Ha ha! The Catholic Church did not stop me from pre-martial sex!

It's not up to you.

Best case scenario, your daughter has sex under her terms- when she wants to, with who she wants. Not pressured by a boyfriend or worse. I'd focus on empowering her to have agency over this decision rather than make sex this big bad wolf because that won't work and she's more likely to have sex under less pleasant circumstances.