Do you have room for an au pair? Could watch both kids for probably a similar amount to what you're paying now for share + aftercare.

But also... wait to see where you are after 6 weeks. Can you flex your schedules to pick up your kid any earlier from aftercare? Even an hour might help.

I mean this in the least flippant way possible, but you need to take a deep breath, and your kid WILL get over this given enough time. It can't have been even a full month. It's stressful but also normal.

We did the no aftercare thing (now that they are older, they do go, but I usually pick them up after 45ish minutes.)

For me, it's possible because I work for myself and can get it done in 6 hours.

Other solutions I've seen -- afternoon babysitter who picks up and hangs for 2-3 hours (could be a twenty something or even college student), nanny of younger sibling picks up, au pair, one parent has an earlier shift and can pick up at 3:15. Obviously families with one SAHP can do it earlier. I've noticed that other parents who freelance or have contract work can usually also do it.

Another option if aftercare really doesn't seem to be working: check if any of the community-based option PKs have space and transfer your kid to that, or see if your kid can join his sister at daycare. With a CBO, you still probably have to pay out of pocket for aftercare, but it may be less of a transition than DCPS PK to aftercare (ie, in the same room with the same teachers) and it's cheaper than a nanny. But it may be that things get better in the next few weeks!

I was also going to suggest that if you can’t let let go of aftercare entirely, at least try to find an alternative a couple days—pick him up, get a sitter, take some leave for a couple weeks at the end of the day, something. I have a similar son and TBH he could not deal well with aftercare till first grade and by then I had switched to a job with more flexibility in part to avoid aftercare issues. He was just so fried, would melt down, cry, or fall asleep on the floor at aftercare. I know that’s unusual and most adjust, but I also have met others in the same boat. At my child’s school, very few in the class went to aftercare. I don’t know what the other parents did.

Maybe you can work permitting during these initial weeks of PreK make an effort to temporarily pick your child up from aftercare earlier than 6 p.m. Maybe you at some point save some $$ by switching the youngest to daycare. Maybe you make friends with another parent and they then drop your child off with the nanny afterschool. Lots of kids do aftercare during the PreK years and they survive but its not uncommon for the initial weeks to be rough (younger kids are so tired and prone to melting down by that point in the day and then there is oftentimes less structure facilitating organized activities and peer interaction).

Recommendations for aftercare:
1 day a week you take a 1/2 day and pick you child up early.
You do it this Wed, your partner does it next Wed.

You do not need a forever solution right now - you need a solution to support transition and the exhaustion.

For many years I worked in aftercare at a preschool (with 3-4 year olds) and I also subbed during the day often. I remember a couple of situations of a child who was dropped off early (7-730) then not picked up until 6. Our school did have a 1.5 hours nap time and sometimes the kids would nap, sometimes not. Regardless, there were days that these kids would be okay, but other days there would be meltdowns. With one child in particular, I was the only aftercare staff who could calm him down. He was a sweetheart but I think he just got tired and overwhelmed throughout the day....the meltdowns were not constrained to just aftercare. Finally (after me spending a lot of time one-on-one with this child, which started to affect ratios) my boss suggested to the parents they get an afternoon babysitter to pick the child up at the end of school (3pm) and stay at home with him until the parents arrived from work. They went with this option and the child's temperament improved. He was great to be around during the day too. I remember a similar situation with another child, and the afternoon nanny worked out well there too.

That said, adjusting to full time school is a big deal! We always had a lot of cranky kids those first couple of months until everyone started to mature and adjust. 

Something that a preschool teacher shared with me that I found comforting -- your kid is keeping it together in a new environment, with new peers, ALL DAY. They tend to fall apart in familiar spaces at home where they know they can rely on you. So you get the brunt of the worst emotional fallout, but that doesn't mean your kid is that tired/sad/emotional all day. It just means your the outlet valve.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Put him to bed at 7. He’ll either start napping again at school or he won’t. With a 7 pm bedtime he will get enough sleep. My 1 and 4 year old have always gone to bed at 7.

My sister is a pre-k teacher and she always says the adjustment takes at least 6 weeks. If a kid is still struggling at that point, then you start thinking about making changes.

Otherwise, keep the routine going, keep open communication with his teacher, validate his feelings about being away from you (don't try to convince him not to feel that way--Dr. Becky at Good Inside had a recent, helpful post about what to say), really connect with him on the weekends and try to maximize sleep and rest as much as you can at home.

Also someone in the same boat who is trying to skip aftercare for now. My husband does drop off at 8:15; I do pick up at 3. We both go back to work after bedtime (7pm). It’s been exhausting to be honest. It feels like back in 2020 when we were trying to work full time and care for a baby, though of course pre-K gives at least a 6 hour window to work. At some point we will need to do aftercare, this isn’t sustainable. But it’s sooo much all at once for a 3 year old who was previously in just a nanny share.

The other option is to ask your nanny if she is willing to pick up your preschooler and then you pay a higher rate 3-5pm (or whatever hours you need). That of course assumed that nanny wants to do it and can easily do pickup. That would’ve been our ideal situation but there are so many things that have to work out there.

Yeah, this is well within in the realm of “normal”. Your son’s whole waking world changed drastically, and it IS a LOT for him to take. He’s not only gained new environments, new people responsible for his well-being, new peers, and lots of new expectations— he’s lost many of the old versions of these things. I agree with the suggestions to drop aftercare — at least for a while, if you can. If you get that the adjustments to a whole new set of expectations and peers and authority-figures can be hard, then it’s easy to see how having to do this twice each day can just be too much for him to comfortably handle right now, especially for a finicky kid.

I agree with those who’ve said that 6 days is not very long for an adjustment like this. I also do think that it IS a really long day for. 3 year old — especially a 3 year old who has been all / mostly at home with a nanny, in an environment that’s been customized to meet his needs, vs a school environment where the expectations are that he will adapt to a school schedule and planned group activities.

I’m unclear about the arrangements for daughter. Is the nanny share with the original nanny? It sounds like your daughter may also be going through some significant changes as you adjust to new routines and new people as a family.

You may already be doing these things, but my suggestions include: Talking with your son to acknowledge that changes can be very hard sometimes, even when the changes are good ones. Help him list one of the “good” bits — like new friends, and interesting things to do, even as you help him to articulate the now-hard challenges. Remind him of some challenges that were hard for him, or for other family members, that are now pleasurable. (“Remember how your little sister was afraid of the water the first time we went swimming? The pool seemed so big to her, with all that water, and now she loves it!). Get a few books about adjusting to school that you can read together IF he’d like to. Explore ways to make nap time easier. Does he have a scarf he can keep for a bit that smells like you? A small pillow or stuffed toy that smells like him/ home? Might it help to gradually shift his nap time at home to more closely coordinate with the school schedule? Or to use a nap mat at home if he and his sister would like to?

tldr: He’s adapting to a LOT, after having a very customized life experience. 6 days is a short time to adjust to all of that, even if it might feel like a very long time to all of you. Explore ways to help him feel more comfortable with these changes; to minimize the changes for now if at all possible, and to help him see that these huge challenges also come with huge benefits— even now. Wishing you and your family well with these transitions OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Appreciate the feedback. We’re definitely doing an earlier bedtime, we’ll see if that helps.

For those of you saying “eliminate aftercare if you can” - how are people doing that? Serious question. Unless you have a stay at home parent, family nearby who can help, or the money for your own nanny indefinitely, what’s the other option? It seems like most people don’t have any of those things (including us - my mom is several states away). We dug into savings to afford 18 months of our own nanny for our two kids, after having done a nanny share for our first before #2 came along. We had to move back to a share for the youngest ASAP for financial reasons - keeping our own nanny would cost us an extra $3000 a month. After care is $400. That’s ENORMOUS savings. Is there some other option here I’m not seeing? We do both have pretty flexible jobs, but not flexible enough to leave at 3 every day, or even half the days. And I feel like we need to save our flexibility for the endless sick days I know are coming our way.

Daycares are cheaper and go all day. Or the share nanny can do aftercare.

Anonymous wrote:Can't help with the nap adjustment.

But I learned early on in parenting never to complain to my mom about anything that was hard for me or baby. I got comments exactly like that. Lean on other friends for emotional support. That filtering is within your control.

+1. Anytime my mom said something like that, I’d ask her to either pick up my child early herself, or give us the money for a nanny. When she didn’t do either, I’d tell her how every other mom I knew managed to do one or the other, and would ask her why she wasn’t able to do the same? It shut her up really quickly.