I think it’s great that you want to help your DD and be a part of your grandchild’s life, while knowing your limitations and how much you’re able to handle. Stay firm and don’t let your DD guilt trip you into doing more.

My mom watches mine and my sister’s kids throughout the week. I am very grateful that she wants to help and also try to stay cognizant that sometimes it does get too much for her. She is getting older but remains stubborn that she can still handle it all. I try to make the arrangement as convenient as possible for her. My sister has no qualms guilt tripping our mom into doing more, like frequent overnight/weekend child care. My mom agrees to it all even when she is exhausted by the end of it. I’ve told her numerous times to speak to my sister, but she refuses.

I can count on two hands the number of times my parents have watched DD and she’s 8. I think what you are proposing is generous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, as you said you are “older parents” and there’s a price to be paid for that. We were younger parents and became youngish grandparents - we were in our very early 50s when our first grandchild was born - and I think it’s fair to say that we spend as much time with our grandkids as their actual parents. We wouldn’t have it any other way. As to whether doing less makes you selfish, of that were the case there’d be a lot of selfish grandparents out there because you are the norm. We’re just lucky to be younger, healthy, financially comfortable and to have an extraordinarily close relationship with our kids and grandkids.

So give yourself a pat on the back. I dont see how your story relates at all to the op.

Because, as I said, her situation isn’t unusual. It’s the norm and she should know that. And part of the reason it has become the norm is because being older parents - and, hence, older grandparents - has also become the norm. Had everyone had kids earlier, she’d have more energy. After all, she started her post by making clear that she is “older.”

My parents made it clear before I even considered having kids that if I had kids they are mine to raise. They would provide no support, childcare or otherwise. Now my oldest is 16 and I can say they've never provided support, childcare or otherwise. I am determined not to have this relationship with my kids. It is unlikely that I will be the day-to-day plan. I will be the backup plan though and help out at other times. I think what you are doing is wonderful, if your kids are really upset it seems entitled to me, but only because my frame of reference is to expect nothing. I also don't have a great relationship with my parents. They are extremely selfish in every way and always have been.

I would love to babysit future grandchildren, but by the time I have grandchildren, I'll be an older grandmother and anything more than what you're proposing would wear me out too.

That’s very generous. I would love that but both sides don’t live close to us.

My in laws babysit my SILs kids two weekdays a week and have for 9 years plus a few long weekends during the year and whenever they have an emergency. The other side grandparents babysat two other days per week for my SIL. So they only had one day of expenses. My in-laws gave my SIL and BIL 4 months notice they were done with the two weekdays and won’t do that anymore, but can do emergencies and still the occasional night out. They had skipped trips and travels with friends to do this babysitting. Whenever they visited us they had to leave to do the babysitting. It was nuts. They are getting older and gave them years of free care. Anyway my SIL was so upset! “How can they do this?” Etc.

She had free care for 9 years! Luckily my DH told her to be grateful and that we never got that and had to pay for it ourselves!

It’s good to set boundaries and very nice of you!

My mom still works and unfortunately I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her watching our kids alone. She asks to watch them and was so happy when I asked if she could watch them one night. She lives a four hour drive away so she came for longer but that one night, man was it awful! She picked them up from school and I was getting texts from other parents about her yelling at them. Then they came home and went to the neighbors house and she let them go for hours and didn’t ask the neighbors! The neighbors texted me to come and get them and said it was odd I hadn’t texted a heads up first (which is what we usually do) so I had to apologize for my mom.
One of my children also said she wouldn’t read a story to them at bedtime and just threw a book at them and said “read it yourself.”. So yeah, will never ever do that again.

So your kids are lucky. They should be grateful for the time but also that they have parents who care and will take care of the grandkids!

That sounds very generous. My parents live near my sister and when her kids were little their basic routine was to babysait one evening a week + picked the kids up from school one day a week and kept them until after dinner. They might watch them occasionally after that but this was the regular routine. Expecting fulltime daycare from a grandparent is really unreasonable.

Not a grandma yet but I have a 16 yo special needs son with medical and behavioral challenges. He’s not violent but he never stops! We call him the energizer bunny. He didn’t walk till 5. My parents(and in-laws) watched him til then and very occasionally helped after bc it was too much and then I had to get an aide (who’s been with us for 8 years)

I mean he wears me out - he’s gonna definitely wear my 80 year old parents out!

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, as you said you are “older parents” and there’s a price to be paid for that. We were younger parents and became youngish grandparents - we were in our very early 50s when our first grandchild was born - and I think it’s fair to say that we spend as much time with our grandkids as their actual parents. We wouldn’t have it any other way. As to whether doing less makes you selfish, of that were the case there’d be a lot of selfish grandparents out there because you are the norm. We’re just lucky to be younger, healthy, financially comfortable and to have an extraordinarily close relationship with our kids and grandkids.

So give yourself a pat on the back. I dont see how your story relates at all to the op.

Anonymous wrote:It should be a pleasure for grandparents to spent time with their grandchildren. So bizarre to make it sound so onerous.

I am the parent of toddlers and I think it’s bizarre to assume that caring for children (especially young children) isn’t onerous. I absolutely adore my two but *I* find them exhausting and I’m a healthy 30 year old. Offering once a week overnights with the grandparents is generous and will allow OP to create a strong bond with their grandchildren. It’s unreasonable to expect grandparents to be full time care unless they genuinely want to and volunteer.

My mom is willing to take a grandchild for a long weekend once a year once they’re potty trained. Only one kid at a time. Other than that no babysitting other than an occasional dinner out. She spends a lot of time with them, just in no way wants to be considered a potential babysitter.

My in-laws would take the kids all the time but unfortunately aren’t safe babysitters though they don’t see this (this isn’t me being crazy. They fall asleep while watching tv with toddler despite having an accessible pool right outside an unlocked door)

Before I became a grandparent, I would’ve sworn up and down that I would watch grandkids anytime for any reason
And then I became a grandparent and that changed.

Anonymous wrote:It should be a pleasure for grandparents to spent time with their grandchildren. So bizarre to make it sound so onerous.

I agree- I can't wait for grandchildren (have married adult dc) and I want to help as often as needed/I can. My kids have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my parents, who always helped 'when they could'. No, not full time as they werent' retired yet. But they did whatever they could and my adult dc are very loyal to, and love, them so much. I watched and learned and will try to do the same.

Like most PPs, I would be over the moon with your generous offer of help. You don’t owe your kids babysitting.

OP: Consider yourself fortunate. My parents did not even acknowledge the birth of my children.