Just a quick aside here: stop saying people are "neurodiverse" unless they have two brains that are different. They would be neurodivergent.

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

Do not do this with cancer!!! She probably needs employer health insurance.

OP, if your child is neurodivergent, your DH likely is too. So if it is ASD, impacts how "caring" may be expressed. If ADHD he is likely overwhelmed and meds and executive coaching may help. Get both of your oxygen masks on, get everyone functioning on all cylinders as much as possible and go from there. Right now it's all projection about feelings and imputing motives and it's not productive. If he used to be more effusive in expressing "care" could have been less stressed or masking.

He needs to verbalize something about how he feels or thinks.

My husband is this way. He's a doctor, so he'll take care of us as long as we have physical symptoms. But mental health? Stress? Forget it. His medical school training did not address that and his high-functioning autism makes it hard for him to step into other people's shoes. Anyway, when he's experiences struggle, he doesn't react the same way as I do: he never cries (his beloved brother died and he didn't even cry), he starts yelling, but doesn't connect it to his stress. He has very little awareness of how psychology and emotions interact.

So I've had to literally talk him through it: how to identify an emotion, and how to figure out why that person is emotional (his mind works in 360 degrees and he gets confused as to which is the most probable reason, because to him they're all equally probable, even when one reason is obvious to everyone else). Next, how to ask questions *sensitively* if he's confused about why that person is upset. Then, how to treat the problem: change tone to gentle, use affectionate physical contact if person is a relative (but not coworker!), suggest options from list of options appropriate to the occasion, remember that upset person also needs time to work out whether options will work.

It's like programming a robot, except that my husband is human and also has emotions and feelings and I have to take them into account. He can get touchy about his lack of emotional intelligence. And no one can predict in advance all the emotional tools he might need in advance, so even though he's made EXCELLENT progress, there are always times when his emotional response will be off... because that particular program was not entered into the system.

If you make so much money he probably feels like he needs to defer to you on anything that matters because it’s your dime. Also, he can’t really help you take a step back from your career. You have to do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.

You can’t be willfully underemployed to reduce spousal or child support. A judge will impute income based on what you are capable of earning. So quitting now in hopes of paying less won’t fly.

Wait, what?

So, if I have an MD, and I decide to be a high school science teacher, and five years down the road I get a divorce, I have to do some kind of re-entry program and go back? I can’t be a science teacher anymore? That sounds crazy.

That is correct. Although the five years thing might mitigate. Would be a judge’s discretion but any change that is found to be motivated by a desire to pay less in support would be deemed specious and a different income imputed. It happens all the time.

No.
What happens is the person with no job gets sliding down alimony for a couple years in order to train up and get a job. No one gets ordered to go back to peak income in order to pay an underemployed, unmotivated ex husband.

Obviously if some $million+/year exec suddenly quits, sits on boards, tells everyone to give them deferred pay and stock in order to avoid child support and alimony, then forensic accounting is called in. But most execs and their lawyers aren’t that stupid in the first place.

Sounds like your husband is either tired of your behavior or is realizing that you’re asking an awful lot with no guarantee that if you get what you want, you’ll be happy. You want to uproot your kids and live where exactly? There is no magical land of inexpensive housing, that is comfortable, close to stuff you all like, and has enough space set up in a way you’ll like. There is no magical place with good schools, wholesome activities and bosses that put your family first.

As an aside, I’ve never met anybody who downsized and been happy, that doesn’t mean that you need or want the biggest and best, just that a 4 bedroom townhouse is very different then a 4 bedroom single family, and very few people can adjust the way they think they can, parking or noise or lack of light or lack of outdoor space will upset them. Neighbors can impact you in a townhouse in a way they simply can’t in a single family. Things in the house will still break and need replacement, the house fairy isn’t going to come along and replace the roof, not unless you pay a roofer. Do you realize any of this?
You may have savings now, but you won’t for very long if you quit your job with nothing else lined up.

Are you prepared to deal with the emotional impact to your kids? They probably worried more about you with cancer then you know as did your husband. They, both your husband and kids, probably just want to have a normal year, do things they want, maybe a vacation, a festival, in other words the energy, money, and time you’d spend moving can be spent or not spent having fun and enjoying each other.
Y
Our kids too are at a point where they are forming friendships. Yes, they can make new friends, but that isn’t as easy as it seems even for the most sociable kids. Humans aren’t interchangeable parts.
Not all places have the same types of activities. My kids have expressed an interest in the Young Eagles program which requires an airport, usually regional airport that you can easily get to for meetings and activities. They exist but not all places have them. One area may have a great Scout program, the place you move to may have a miserable one or one that is inactive. Some schools have a very active involved pta, which leads to fun family events and community involvement, others don’t and unless you are a dynamo it isn’t always possible to “be the change you want to see”.

I’m with your husband, op. Find a job you like better or learn to like the one you have and let your family rest and recover. Medical events can really take a toll on the family physically and emotionally. Cancer wasn’t your fault, I’m not saying that at all, but you do need to realize just what your family went through and what they may want to spend their time doing with you now that they can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every therapist in the world suggest to just listen and not provide solutions. You have the one H on earth that does that and you’re mad about it.

File this under looking for a fight.

Lol.

Now never responding, never offering emotional support, never having back & forth conversation, not making eye contact, and just twiddling on your iPhone while someone’s talking to you about important stuff is called “listening”.

What a hoot. What psychotic planet are you on PP?

Listen lady. You are wrong. You have terrible interpersonal skills and you want him to solve your problems. Sorry not sorry.

You've venting, he listened. If you need advice on careers get a mentor.

Boy r u dense.

These are 100% Family Issues to discuss together.

While it’s clear you don’t have a spouse, if you did you’d know that their health, their job are family matters, not personal-only matters.

But maybe you’re a troll, pretending to not be able to distinguish between the two.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he does what a lot of men do in a stressful situation: shut down emotionally. He is trying to cope as much as you but in his own way. I see a lot of assumptions in your post that he doesn’t care but that is not necessarily true.

Often men don’t articulate “I’m worried, I’m scared, I can’t push harder at work because I’m so stressed about what is going on at home with your health.” When my DD was very sick DH could not articulate his feelings either but it did not mean he did not care.

For a marriage to survive you have to assume good faith, not bad faith. You both really should have therapy and marriage counselling.

Is he’s ASD or HFA none of the above applies. He doesn’t care and cannot care. True he’s in shutdown mode, but he usually is.

Both of our posts are speculative but yours is making a diagnosis based on a few paragraphs of second hand information.

If OP truly feels that her husband is neurodivergent then that is her first issue to tackle. He sounds like a typical man to me though.

She’s busy recovering from cancer, raising her kids alone, paying the bills and maintaining the house.

She should call his mommy and daddy and he can spend a few years there with psych appts, trialing meds and deep therapy. I’m sure that’ll work at this age.

Anonymous wrote:How often are you venting/crying about work? I’d listen to DH vent, but if it was frequent, I’d probably be scrolling my phone too. Not because I don’t care but I have my own stress and can’t spend the little free time I have absorbing his.

Not responding to loved ones just escalates the topic and need to be heard.
It’s truly amazing how responding validates others and advances the topic. Everyone moves on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every therapist in the world suggest to just listen and not provide solutions. You have the one H on earth that does that and you’re mad about it.

File this under looking for a fight.

Lol.

Now never responding, never offering emotional support, never having back & forth conversation, not making eye contact, and just twiddling on your iPhone while someone’s talking to you about important stuff is called “listening”.

What a hoot. What psychotic planet are you on PP?

After a while, everyone gets tired of listening to whining. You sound like a broken record. Quit your complaining or do something about it. But this need of yours for him to fix it is weird.

I mean, we’re only two pages in and I’m tired of listening to you too.

Nice MO!: after not really listening nor responding, be a bully and gaslight them to shut up with their concerns and feelings.

Yes, double down with verbal and emotional abuse. That’s the ticket!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.

You can’t be willfully underemployed to reduce spousal or child support. A judge will impute income based on what you are capable of earning. So quitting now in hopes of paying less won’t fly.

Nope, wrong.

And if some know-nothing lawyer claimed that Op with cancer and illness and special needs kids has all the reasons in the world to downshift.

It’s daddy bear who has to grow up and step up. He’s developmentally behind by decades.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.

You can’t be willfully underemployed to reduce spousal or child support. A judge will impute income based on what you are capable of earning. So quitting now in hopes of paying less won’t fly.

Not exactly. If OP leaves a $500k job for a $300k job because the old one was toxic and destroying her mental health, the judge is not going to impute $500k as her income. That’s what we are saying. (I am making up the numbers)

A judge absolutely might.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.

You can’t be willfully underemployed to reduce spousal or child support. A judge will impute income based on what you are capable of earning. So quitting now in hopes of paying less won’t fly.

Wait, what?

So, if I have an MD, and I decide to be a high school science teacher, and five years down the road I get a divorce, I have to do some kind of re-entry program and go back? I can’t be a science teacher anymore? That sounds crazy.

That is correct. Although the five years thing might mitigate. Would be a judge’s discretion but any change that is found to be motivated by a desire to pay less in support would be deemed specious and a different income imputed. It happens all the time.