Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:49
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Not everyone needs to be invited to everything
Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:49
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:My sister and my parents (in particular my mother) have done several gatherings/celebrations and trips together without telling me and lying about it afterwards. My family (including my children) have never been invited. These include celebrating Thanksgiving, Easter, Mothers Day and going on vacations. They often get caught because my sister will post on social media.
It is unbelievable hurtful, especially to my children. My children are not wildly misbehaved and are just regular kids with a good sense of humor and fun to be around/happy go lucky. My DH gets along fine with everyone. We can find zero reason why they sneak around and I have confronted them several times and their excuse is well we didn’t think you wanted to come or there wasn’t room. My children, who are now teens, have hardly any relationship with my mother or my sister and her kids and don’t really care to at this point as they are teens.
I have given up trying to understand why they do this. I think my sister instigates a lot of it and my mother is happy to go along with the secrecy and the lying. I am sorry this happened to you OP. I would just straight out ask your brother what’s going on so you have the truth out there and then move forward.
This isn’t the OP’s situation. No one is lying to her.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:45
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.
Yes, they're being quite rude, and they really should be aware that you feel excluded. You don't need to get all emotional about it, but you can state calmly that you're disappointed at this revelation. Make them both squirm, OP, they deserve it.
And you know what? When you mother needs help in the future, please don't drop everything to help her. Your brother can do that.
+1
+2
They sound terribly rude, insular, exclusionary, insecure and immature, OP. MIL and SIL are like this - it makes them feel better to exclude. It seems they are stunted, have few social skills, and stuck in high school. Not your problem, not your people. This isn't about you - this is about them - they are rude. They are not special OP, they are just mean. Just a guess on their part - do they not have many friends? They seem codependent/enmeshed. Ew. Be glad you are not them, seriously. You need to create your own family - find kind, inclusive, warm people. Not this nonsense.
Lots of projecting in this post. Yikes.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:44
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
I understand the hurt feelings, OP. Certainly in the moment.
But stepping back, it's possible you're reading too much into this. There are a quite a few people who I like, or love, that I really don't want to travel with. I know them well, and we have very different ideas of what is a fun vacation. I would never go on vacation like this with my own sister - we would, starting at the time we wake up, want to do completely different things all day. I'm thrilled to visit her and hang out, for multiple days, but spending $$$ to flu to Ireland, for what sounds like a once in a lifetime trip - I want to spend it how I want to, and she's entitled to that too.
So it's entirely possible that they love and like you, but have very different travel expectations and preferences, and realize that you aren't good travel companions for his trip. It sounds like you implicitly recognize that is true as well. Some trips are about spending the time with your companions, while others, the focus is on the place you're visiting. Sounds like this is the later.
Just a possibility to consider.
But stepping back, it's possible you're reading too much into this. There are a quite a few people who I like, or love, that I really don't want to travel with. I know them well, and we have very different ideas of what is a fun vacation. I would never go on vacation like this with my own sister - we would, starting at the time we wake up, want to do completely different things all day. I'm thrilled to visit her and hang out, for multiple days, but spending $$$ to flu to Ireland, for what sounds like a once in a lifetime trip - I want to spend it how I want to, and she's entitled to that too.
So it's entirely possible that they love and like you, but have very different travel expectations and preferences, and realize that you aren't good travel companions for his trip. It sounds like you implicitly recognize that is true as well. Some trips are about spending the time with your companions, while others, the focus is on the place you're visiting. Sounds like this is the later.
Just a possibility to consider.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:39
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.
Yes, they're being quite rude, and they really should be aware that you feel excluded. You don't need to get all emotional about it, but you can state calmly that you're disappointed at this revelation. Make them both squirm, OP, they deserve it.
And you know what? When you mother needs help in the future, please don't drop everything to help her. Your brother can do that.
+1
+2
They sound terribly rude, insular, exclusionary, insecure and immature, OP. MIL and SIL are like this - it makes them feel better to exclude. It seems they are stunted, have few social skills, and stuck in high school. Not your problem, not your people. This isn't about you - this is about them - they are rude. They are not special OP, they are just mean. Just a guess on their part - do they not have many friends? They seem codependent/enmeshed. Ew. Be glad you are not them, seriously. You need to create your own family - find kind, inclusive, warm people. Not this nonsense.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:34
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op just to clarify - were you thinking it was just the three of you? Or is your brothers family coming to? Adding your family into the mix could be complicated
No it was without families. Just mom, brother, and me. I am actually thinking now that I may have been inserting myself for a long time, and that’s why they’ve been kind of vague about it.
I really wouldn’t say anything to hurt my mom. She is old, and I wouldn’t want her last years to be weighed down by this.
I really can’t see myself going though. It’s hard to see past my hurt right now, but I’d welcome tips for how to get through the next week or so gracefully.
I think it is fine to step away and give yourself time. Call a friend to go to lunch or dinner. Plan a date with your DH. Do the things that make you and your kids/DH happy. Reread your favorite book. Be kind to yourself. Cook your favorite meal or order it in. (((((Hugs)))))
Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:26
Subject: Re:Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
At this point in your mother’s life, you siblings start to take on a caretaking role, and you need to be able to have good ways of talking/negotiating with each other out of your mother’s hearing. So I would talk to your brother with the assumption that Mom had this crazy notion that the trip we had been talking about forever was just a 1-on-1 thing, to give him the chance to agree with you that Mom was totally off base. If your brother is a jerk, you will know it pretty quickly — in which case who wants to go on a trip with a jerk. Best case is that he gives you a warm feeling that he wants you on this bucket-list trip and you are a united front. It’s almost always worth it to give people a chance to help find the ideal solution — certainly you don’t have much to lose. This could be the start of building stronger sibling bonds — he’s probably going to be alive a lot longer than your mother, so there’s lots of upside in having those bonds.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 06:14
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
My sister and my parents (in particular my mother) have done several gatherings/celebrations and trips together without telling me and lying about it afterwards. My family (including my children) have never been invited. These include celebrating Thanksgiving, Easter, Mothers Day and going on vacations. They often get caught because my sister will post on social media.
It is unbelievable hurtful, especially to my children. My children are not wildly misbehaved and are just regular kids with a good sense of humor and fun to be around/happy go lucky. My DH gets along fine with everyone. We can find zero reason why they sneak around and I have confronted them several times and their excuse is well we didn’t think you wanted to come or there wasn’t room. My children, who are now teens, have hardly any relationship with my mother or my sister and her kids and don’t really care to at this point as they are teens.
I have given up trying to understand why they do this. I think my sister instigates a lot of it and my mother is happy to go along with the secrecy and the lying. I am sorry this happened to you OP. I would just straight out ask your brother what’s going on so you have the truth out there and then move forward.
It is unbelievable hurtful, especially to my children. My children are not wildly misbehaved and are just regular kids with a good sense of humor and fun to be around/happy go lucky. My DH gets along fine with everyone. We can find zero reason why they sneak around and I have confronted them several times and their excuse is well we didn’t think you wanted to come or there wasn’t room. My children, who are now teens, have hardly any relationship with my mother or my sister and her kids and don’t really care to at this point as they are teens.
I have given up trying to understand why they do this. I think my sister instigates a lot of it and my mother is happy to go along with the secrecy and the lying. I am sorry this happened to you OP. I would just straight out ask your brother what’s going on so you have the truth out there and then move forward.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 05:33
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
So your brother is gifting your mom a trip to Ireland for her birthday and you are sad not to be invited?
I'm unclear about the entire family dynamics. Do you never spend time with your mom without your brother being present? Does your family culture not allow one on one time with mom?
With just the information you provided, it feels that you are in the wrong. But I think adult children should be able to spend time with a parent without siblings present.
I'm unclear about the entire family dynamics. Do you never spend time with your mom without your brother being present? Does your family culture not allow one on one time with mom?
With just the information you provided, it feels that you are in the wrong. But I think adult children should be able to spend time with a parent without siblings present.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 05:13
Subject: Re:Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
As a mother of two, I might certainly plan a trip with one of my children, but I would never exclude the other child if they accidentally invited themselves! Not unless I truly loathed them.
If I were you, rather than feeling bad about myself, I would clear the air with bro and mom. Maybe via email or group message, that way they can both write back.
If I were you, rather than feeling bad about myself, I would clear the air with bro and mom. Maybe via email or group message, that way they can both write back.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 04:55
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.
Sounds like you will have no problem being the sole caretaker of your mom once she’s old enough to need elder care. After all, she doesn’t want to be around the wet blanket.
No way!
Not her, because she is "fun." Probably will provide the "moral support" while leaving the more boring parts to the boring people.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 00:07
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.
Sounds like you will have no problem being the sole caretaker of your mom once she’s old enough to need elder care. After all, she doesn’t want to be around the wet blanket.
Anonymous
08/31/2023 23:58
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.
Anonymous
08/31/2023 23:16
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Another vote to stay home and plan something later with your mom or both of them. Don’t spend money on the flight to only stay a couple of days.
My parents are close to all 3 of us adult siblings. They see the middle child by far the most and we hear how it’s been so long since they have seen that family when it’s been two weeks.
The youngest is the only male, single and visits aren’t as frequent but everything stops. No one else can visit if he’s there except for an occasional visit so they can give him their full attention. He’s 40 and not demanding this at all.
I’m the oldest, an introvert and live the family away. My family sees them the least. We talk on the phone the most.
We would never all attempt a vacation together. I get along great with my siblings and realize all of us have good but different relationships with our parents. I understand you are upset but try to plan something on your own that you will enjoy. I’m sure they love seeing you too.
My parents are close to all 3 of us adult siblings. They see the middle child by far the most and we hear how it’s been so long since they have seen that family when it’s been two weeks.
The youngest is the only male, single and visits aren’t as frequent but everything stops. No one else can visit if he’s there except for an occasional visit so they can give him their full attention. He’s 40 and not demanding this at all.
I’m the oldest, an introvert and live the family away. My family sees them the least. We talk on the phone the most.
We would never all attempt a vacation together. I get along great with my siblings and realize all of us have good but different relationships with our parents. I understand you are upset but try to plan something on your own that you will enjoy. I’m sure they love seeing you too.
Anonymous
08/31/2023 23:16
Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:You mentioned you’re an introvert. I’m wondering if they have plans to go see and do a LOT of things and know that you will not want to. Maybe they think you coming along throws a link in plans as you are all different speeds.
Then maybe they could talk about it like adults and not preemptively exclude OP.