Anonymous wrote:It’s probably both.

In the beginning of my marriage, H made more than me. This was made possible by three things: my job benefits, my job flexibility and my parent’s gifts (probably $80k over 20 years plus housing during school). He has also admittedly taken a back seat in his career and his salary has decreased, while mine went way up (80% increase in 6 years). Note: this sounds like a lot but our HHI is $300k, which is great but not insanely high.

I stand to inherit millions, even under the worst case scenario - my parents are rigid and conservative with their money - and my mom is in very good health. Best case I expect to inherit the money in my late 60s at the earliest. We save like that won’t happen to be safe, which he thinks is overkill. But also under the worst case scenario, we will financially support his mother and likely brother (and already pay for certain expenses).

He told me he wants to reallocate his inheritance (already commingled to pay for certain house upgrades he wanted and to bulk up our emergency fund for his job) to a fund for himself so he can go travel with his friends. Please note that we do not travel together yet, because we are just getting to the point where that is really possible. We do family vacations, and I hope with decreased expenses and my increased income, we can travel in the next 1-2 years.

So basically with my next promotion, he wants me to start paying him back for his inheritance. All $45k. He said that although I intend to use any inheritance to our future benefit, the accounts are in my name until the funds are allocated for a mutual benefit, he sees no benefit. (Side note: my parents are also allocating $200k directly to my husband).

I am frustrated. I don’t think he sees the full financial picture. I am aggravated that after decreasing his salary by 40% and admittedly taking an easier path, I have to pay him back. I am also frustrated that he fails to see everything my family has already given or how much his mom/brother cost us. If I try to discuss these things he shuts down.

So keeping this on the money side, is he right? Should I pay back that $45k to an account in his name?

Anonymous wrote:I think that we have a similar situation, OP. I am much more conservative with retirement saving than my husband is. I think we need a certain amount to live a great life and he is ok with less money and just making do with what he has. Think: $8M vs $2M. Neither of us are really right or wrong but we come up against prioritizing issues like this where we just need to make a call. If you want to save your marriage then spend some money on this trip and also a financial counselor who can help you work on this stuff. I would say you should do the Dave Ramsey program but it’s not for everyone (I just ignore the religious stuff).

Anonymous wrote:This seems way more complicated than it needs to be.

$1500 is fairly moderate for a week long trip. Clearly your husband really wants to go. Let him go! You guys have the money for him to go even with all the budgetary needs. Fun needs to be a part of the budget too! Life is lived now and honestly you aren’t guaranteed anything in the future.

It also sounds like you really want to go on a couples trip and this is a sore point/hurting your feelings that your DH seems more committed to boys trip than trip with you. This is a separate issue. Bring this up with him and plan out your couples trip at same time that he plans out his boys trip.

I also get the feeling that you are somewhat of a “no” person with him. I don’t mean to be harsh. I get that you have been working your tail off and have this firm grip on your financials that he seems to lack, but it also seems like you guys need to loosen up and start having more fun NOW.

I second going to therapy to work a lot of this out. It just feels overly complicated and depressing. Even with all the budgetary constraints you are both in a comfortable financial situation! I don’t get why your situation therefore reads like you are barely getting by.

Your narrative feels flooded with scarcity and I suspect it really doesn’t need to be that way. Does this have something to do with your upbringing and parents being very conservative with financials? I’m just throwing something at the wall here but I get the feelings there’s stuff to unpack here. Your husband needs fun now and you need to feel secure and loved.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t travel together “yet”?! You have been married for 20 years and this man is trying to figure out ow to reclaim his inheritance as something other than commingled. There is only one reason yo be doing that.

If I am truly the person breaking this to you I am really sorry, but OP: you are not going to be traveling with this person. You are probably getting divorced.

Anonymous wrote:OP - sorry to be clear it’s about $1500 for college and $500 to his family per month.

Yes my parents gifts were also commingled and used for the entire family.

My husband is a good person. but I get the impression he isn’t seeing this clearly, nor does he see the totality of 20 years of combined assets. I agree he should earn more if he wants these trips and have told him as much. I just think he doesn’t want to admit his inability to do these trip on our current combined income is a result of his decreased income. He gets very upset when I go anywhere near that topic.

But at the same time I am busting my ass year after year to get my income up.

Anonymous wrote:OP - the inheritance is from his dad and yes, we take domestic vacations but I hope to do domestics/international travel alone (with him, sans kids) now that the kids are in college. But we are also paying for college expenses, which which are over in 2 years or less based on 529s.

He commingled the inheritance. Part went to house upgrades he wanted and part went to an emergency fund in a joint account when he left his more lucrative job.

Our income is $300k now but as noted mine went up rapidly in the last 6 years while his decreased.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - first, we don’t take home 15K a month. The nature of his job means that he brings home a guaranteed $4k/month and I bring home a guaranteed $3845 per pp (so $8.3k/month). The rest is bonuses, which are not guaranteed (and because he isn’t working too hard at work, his bonuses are more iffy). Our mortgage is $4K. Also while we give $500 to his mother and bother, that will increase and we also pay for plane tickets and hotels for them to visit us 2-3x a year. Also again, we didn’t have these salaries most of our marriage. Historically we were probably right below $200k.

We have some fairly costly home maintenance project that we have to save for. We also need a new car.

The guys trips are long weeks, so plane ride, hotel, dinner and excursions. I think the last one was $1500.

I think a prior poster hit the nail on the head when she said one of my frustrations is that my H doesn’t see/understand our financial picture. He has Mint so he sees all our accounts, but he doesn’t get our in and out expenses. I have tried to show him everything and explain it but he just doesn’t get it. He literally told me if he won $1M he could retire tomorrow.

I also think his focus on the boys weekends just makes part of me sad. The last time it came up, we were talking about him and I going away for a long weekend and things weren’t great at his job so we didn’t go. But a month later he wanted to fly to Portland for a guys weekend.

But again, it’s this sudden idea that he get his $45k back that frustrates me. He is obsessed with what money is his in the marriage and what is mine, even though his retirements accounts are higher than mine because he started maxing before me. And he doesn’t count all my parents gifts to us in his calculations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t travel together “yet”?! You have been married for 20 years and this man is trying to figure out ow to reclaim his inheritance as something other than commingled. There is only one reason yo be doing that.

If I am truly the person breaking this to you I am really sorry, but OP: you are not going to be traveling with this person. You are probably getting divorced.

Agreed

Anonymous wrote:OP here - first, we don’t take home 15K a month. The nature of his job means that he brings home a guaranteed $4k/month and I bring home a guaranteed $3845 per pp (so $8.3k/month). The rest is bonuses, which are not guaranteed (and because he isn’t working too hard at work, his bonuses are more iffy). Our mortgage is $4K. Also while we give $500 to his mother and bother, that will increase and we also pay for plane tickets and hotels for them to visit us 2-3x a year. Also again, we didn’t have these salaries most of our marriage. Historically we were probably right below $200k.

We have some fairly costly home maintenance project that we have to save for. We also need a new car.

The guys trips are long weeks, so plane ride, hotel, dinner and excursions. I think the last one was $1500.

I think a prior poster hit the nail on the head when she said one of my frustrations is that my H doesn’t see/understand our financial picture. He has Mint so he sees all our accounts, but he doesn’t get our in and out expenses. I have tried to show him everything and explain it but he just doesn’t get it. He literally told me if he won $1M he could retire tomorrow.

I also think his focus on the boys weekends just makes part of me sad. The last time it came up, we were talking about him and I going away for a long weekend and things weren’t great at his job so we didn’t go. But a month later he wanted to fly to Portland for a guys weekend.

But again, it’s this sudden idea that he get his $45k back that frustrates me. He is obsessed with what money is his in the marriage and what is mine, even though his retirements accounts are higher than mine because he started maxing before me. And he doesn’t count all my parents gifts to us in his calculations.