Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is sort of like this and only in marriage counseling did it seem to “click” for him that it’s annoying. I will say that I don’t expect him to show enthusiasm for things like paint colors or furniture but when he does it’s a very pleasant surprise.

What was the solution from counseling?

The counselor told him “is that kind behavior? Is that what you want to model for your children, and is this marriage the model you want them to follow?”

Now dear reader, I have said much the same to my husband possibly COUNTLESS times, but apparently if the words are coming from a nice older lady who giggles at his jokes, THEN DH takes it seriously.

That is what I’ve learned from counseling.

Did you be nice and giggle at his jokes before counseling?
Or does he have a thing for older ladies? (Maybe ask his mom do deliver requests for you.)

It's been 15 years of his jokes, so no. I laugh a lot but DH has a lot of "classics" that are no longer funny, so the counselor defintely laughs more consistently than I do. He does like older ladies but his mom passed away.

My point is that sometimes you just need a neutral third party to say the EXACT SAME THING you have been telling your spouse, but in a less charged context and environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself: if he told you what paint color he preferred or what movie he wanted to watch, and you didn’t like it, would you accept his view and go with it? Or would you nag him until he accepted what you wanted in the first place?

That level of honest introspection is beyond most people's ability.

This. My mom is like what pp described and then would get mad that we would have no input. We all eventually had just given up having any input because in the end, we had to agree with her anyways. My childhood was stressful until I realized that just going along with her from the start was the easiest option for everyone involved.

You married a beta cuck b1tch. What did you expect?

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself: if he told you what paint color he preferred or what movie he wanted to watch, and you didn’t like it, would you accept his view and go with it? Or would you nag him until he accepted what you wanted in the first place?

That level of honest introspection is beyond most people's ability.

What is your intent? Are you looking for his agreement on the value, his input or you want to be able to share something you are excited about without negativity?

If you are looking for agreement on the value it can take while and you would need to be prepared to not do it if they don’t agree. They also need to be part of the journey/conversation that got you to that point. So for example, my DH was part of IEP hearing at the school and I sent him to a parent support group for our kids situation and he is part of all the college tours because I knew if I did all the legwork and conveyed it would be an uphill battle versus him having first hand experience and being challenged to come up with alternate solutions.

If you are looking for input even if he doesn’t agree with the premise/value, like painting the walls, understand both you and your DH know you are going to do this even though he doesn’t see the point so flip it and imagine if he was doing something that you didn’t see the point. Your concerns would be how much will this cost, how much will I be inconvenienced and that the person got enough input to know you wouldn’t hate it/maybe even things in general that are important to you before get did it. Like with cars, if my DH bought a new car tomorrow, my parameters are that I have to be able to drive and park the car (so it can’t be a Denali) and that it’s within our budget - I can live with the rest of the car decisions because I wouldn’t be impacted by them daily.

If you are looking to share something without negativity your best plan is to pre-empt what he will say and don’t let them rain on your parade. I love reality tv and if my DH tries to come after me I will say “and yet people spend hours watching sports commentator that really don’t know what will happen prognosticating and or are the Monday morning quarterbacks. This is just another form of entertainment tv like reality tv.”

In general you are always better off coming up with what you will do differently/within your control than expecting another person to change in order to be happy.

Anonymous wrote:My DH legit has never cared about anything house-related. I don’t expect him to change or compliment things, and I don’t expect him to complain about what I spend if I replace a couch with holes or whatever (within reason.)

I don’t have an answer for you, OP, except to look for approval elsewhere.

I'm the DH in this type of marriage, and I guess it took my wife a little while to be confident that I would never ever complain because I really and truly didn't care.

Be honest with yourself: if he told you what paint color he preferred or what movie he wanted to watch, and you didn’t like it, would you accept his view and go with it? Or would you nag him until he accepted what you wanted in the first place?