I used vacation time (but had more than you). If your job lets you make up time at night, you might ask for that option.

Just beCause your husband is the only one with kids, he should ask too. It is 2023 and employers need to evolve.

My sister changed jobs so she could get on a school system schedule (same holidays, snow days, etc). Most of us don’t have that option.

Usually the woman’s career suffers (if she is the lowest paid spouse), as well as her lifetime earnings.

I stayed at a backwater organization, instead of an impressive one, because they were more family friendly. That was my priority.

Others hire a nanny who attends all such functions, but I always felt bad for those kids.

Early childhood goes by fast, and it is precious.

Life is full of trade offs. Good luck to you guys.

With no family to help and a husband working long hours with a long commute to our outer 'burb, I used my time off. I didn't make everything, I did what I could. I also stayed in a more flexible job, rather than going after promotions, so I could attend as much as possible.

I'm a teacher, so I was never at those things for my kids.

I had neighborhood parents who would cheer for my kid, or give them a hug. Some of them worked full time but had more flexibility. I'd pay them back by inviting their kids over on snow days.

I didn't feel guilty. If my kid said "Why can't you be there like X's mom." I'd say "I have to be at my school then. X's mom isn't a teacher, so she is able to take off work. I take my leave when school is closed. I'm looking forward to taking to doing . . . with you on . . . (whatever break is next)! Mr. Y is coming for Johnny, and he told me he'd get a picture of you with your project!"

I just schedule calls and meetings before or after. Nobody cares as long as I ultimately get my work done in a timely fashion.

LOL, someone else does these things with your kids. You get to earn money.

A lot of your kid childhood will be sans you. You will get used to it and they will get used to it. There is a price to pay for every choice.

They can’t really schedule many things to be late to accommodate working parents. Many of the teachers and staff or parents themselves and took the teaching job partly because the schedule aligned with their families. Just suddenly shifted to they have to work late many nights of the year will make it even harder to attract teachers and the school districts notice, you need to have one person in your family either hired or on-call who can do the school stuff with the kids and with the kid never has a parent show up or even the nanny show up while everyone else does they notice

Anonymous wrote:Your school or school district will send surveys out, asking for what they can do to improve, etc. This is what you tell them, they need to plan events that are reasonable for working parents to attend. Our school is constantly scheduling events at inconvenient time with 1 or 2 days notice. I don't know if it's lack of planning or what, but it's super annoying and I let them know every time they send out a feedback survey.

Our school records back to school presentations and sends links to watch later. Our school shows the “winter song along” and other daytime events on FB Live and I take a selfie of me at my desk watching my child and show them. I tell them their class will likely have 3-5 parties, 1-2 field trips, and maybe parents can come in on their birthday and that they can pick 1 day for each parent that they want us to prioritize. I email the teacher and say “I need to plan time away from work well in advance and Larla would like me to volunteer at the Halloween party if parents are allowed. Do you know when that typically is scheduled?”

But honestly? My mom didn’t even have a “BIG” job. She was a teacher in a neighboring school district and she used a personal day 1 time in 13 years to come to the award ceremony my senior year. She knew moms from the neighborhood and church who were at school during the day and she would have them say hi / cheer for me. They would often ask me to let them take a picture of me so my mom could see my poster, costume, etc. It never occurred to me to be sad because I knew she was working!

Anonymous wrote:My husband has zero flexibility and I have a fairly flexible hybrid job. That ends up meaning that I sometimes work odd hours to manage school stuff. We utilize after care until 6:00/6:30 M-Th, which is a godsend. And we are selective about what you go to.

I completely agree with what PP above said - you find what works for you. Some parents do nothing, barely anyone does everything, and most families just find a selection that makes sense. BTSN and parent conferences are critical, performances are important, and everything else is icing.

THIS! Ignore the one mom or family in your school or neighborhood who attends every single school, PTA, and sports event and posts pics to social media - even more so if her kids seem to pose nicely and look at the camera for the pics. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

Most families seem to have 1 - 2 things they are really focused on. My husband is at every single scouting activity and meeting for both our kids. You might pick up on that and think HOW? The answer is that I attend 0-2 scouting activities per year. My parents attend 100% of my kid’s sports games. You may see that and think “wow they are here with siblings and grandparents in tow! What support!” Except that you get used to seeing my parents and don’t notice that my spouse and I aren’t at every game or might only be there for part of the game.

If you have a perception that all the other families are somehow more present than your family, your perception is biased to notice people when they are there and not notice when they are absent.

I was in a consulting type career with little schedule flexibility in my 20s and saw that the women who made it up the corporate ladder were childless or had a partner who had a more flexible job.

So I changed career tracks. 15 years later, I have a job with a lot of flexibility and elementary school kids.

So a lot of planning ahead, I guess you could say.

1. You don’t go to every thing.
2. You will learn the cadence of the school. I know “meet the teacher” is from 9:30-10:15 the Thursday before school starts every year. Several years in I also know that you don’t have to stay the whole time.
3. You take advantage of things like Zoom teacher conferences and you and your spouse both dial in for 15 min from your respective offices.
4. You figure out who the moms are whose 2nd or 3rd kid is in kindergarten with yours. You ask them when you have questions and they will give you important info like “now is the time to sign up for school break camps through January” and “Jan/Feb is when you sign up for summer camps and most fill up the first day so you need to talk to experienced moms at the October/November play dates and BD parties to start forming a plan and looking up last year’s costs and sign-up date”.

I know this wasn’t part of your question but you also need to start thinking about camp and get ready for those registrations that typically happen starting in January. To me, the hardest part of 2 working parents is the summer, because camps are all over the place with different schedules.

To conserve PTO, be flexible with your lunch hour. You didn't say if you were hybrid or not, but for appointments or school events, I would always eat at my desk and use my lunch hour for the appt. So a two hour total event at school only uses one hour of PTO. I find that the older the kids get, the less they care about you being there. And you never know if your kid can handle you there anyway. A friend of mine stopped attending because her kid would always cry when she left and it ruined both of their days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the exception of an open house, I am not aware of many "commitments" during the work day. Our kids go to after care which runs until 6 pm. You will be fine.

You're not including the Halloween party, the Christmas party, the Valentines party, the fall concert, the spring concert, or the "learning showcase."
Sure, you don't HAVE to go to those, but if you don't go to at least some, your kid is gonna notice.

And going in to be the “mystery reader”, volunteering for field trips, etc. Again optional but prepare for the guilt trips when your child asks you why you aren’t coming in like their friends’ mommies?

Your school or school district will send surveys out, asking for what they can do to improve, etc. This is what you tell them, they need to plan events that are reasonable for working parents to attend. Our school is constantly scheduling events at inconvenient time with 1 or 2 days notice. I don't know if it's lack of planning or what, but it's super annoying and I let them know every time they send out a feedback survey.

OP - it kind of depends on your job but I would try telling, not asking.

"I need to be at an event at my child's school, I will be unavailability from xx to yy."

If you are remote or teleworking, just block off your calendar.

Dh needs to step up too.