Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think they aren't punishing in front of others because they think it will cause a more disruptive meltdown and that would make others uncomfortable.

Yeah, my normally well-behaved kid had a meltdown the other day at a coffee shop patio. I had warned him not to do something, he did it, and the (previously communicated) consequence was that we had to leave. I had to strap him into the stroller and walk out while he was kicking and screaming. I got some dirty looks from people and it was frustrating.

I feel this. I grabbed my kid and scolded her pretty sharply this morning because she wasn’t looking both ways before crossing the street and someone gave me a “I can’t believe you’re being so harsh” look as they walked past. I hate feeling mean but being safe street crossings (especially with her bike!) is important to me.

I don't know such kids or parents and you know several. I'm busy wondering about that.

My girl was slapped and name called repeatedly by the crudest little boy I have ever seen. She came to get me and I thought she was making it up. Nope he did it right in front of me while both his parents were a mere few feet away. They only came to get him when they saw I was about to grab him by his t-shirt .

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I took a great parent training class specifically geared towards kids with specific SN (that one of our kids have) and it was very focused on rewarding positive behavior. However, you still do time out or some other consequence for hitting or name calling (or any other violent behavior). That has been a good balance for us for the most part. I think the emphasis on consequences all the time without corresponding recognition of good behavior can also be really detrimental.

yep, 100%. the “gentle parenting” idea that you never have to give consequences is bonkers, but consequences have to balance with positive reinforcement. also more important for consequences to be immediate and consistent than big and draconian (even for something like hitting). this approach WORKS for 95% of kids. when I learned it I remember being amazed that it wasn’t more common knowledge.

Anonymous wrote:I don't doubt such people exist, but I've never seen it in real life. Usually there are always consequences - some may not be what I would choose to do, but they exist.

They exist! My SIL has two kids, the youngest is the boy and he is the golden child who rarely gets disciplined or given boundaries. It is horrible to see this how this aggressive kid treats his sister and the most the mother does is call his name in a sweet voice and a smile.

My SIL is like this. It is wild. Even my kids think it is crazy. As does my MIL. So I know it is totally nutso.

My husband and I took a great parent training class specifically geared towards kids with specific SN (that one of our kids have) and it was very focused on rewarding positive behavior. However, you still do time out or some other consequence for hitting or name calling (or any other violent behavior). That has been a good balance for us for the most part. I think the emphasis on consequences all the time without corresponding recognition of good behavior can also be really detrimental.

Anonymous wrote:Children have to learn how to regulate their emotions and work out their feelings in a healthy way - it is not innate! Parents who allow one kid to beat on another kid and call it ‘sibling rivalry’ or ‘roughhousing’ are really just either lazy parents or parents who favor one child over another child (or children) so much that they are willing to condone the abuse of some of their children to stroke the ego of a golden child.

Either way you cut it, it’s disgusting to let your kids violently assault anyone.

In defense of millennial parents, a lot of older generations thought sibling roughhousing was fine too. And actually in the DSM criteria for oppositional defiant disorder, the defiant behavior doesn't count if it's toward a sibling! I do think that siblings hitting each other is very different from a kid hitting anyone else, though, so I don't judge. Parents who aren't serious about their kids hitting another kid, though, oh boy. That's wild stuff.

TBH I really don't like your way of disciplining kids. I never gave time outs or scolded. I physically removed them from a situation, or I told them that something isn't okay and what they needed to do differently. I know that many parents are far, far too hesitant to make their kids uncomfortable and deal with the consequences of their actions, but just because you don't see a parent disciplining their kid doesn't mean they aren't.

however I have seen some pretty bad behavior in schools. Actually a LOT of really bad behavior, especially among elementary schoolers. I think parents are just tired so they give them a lot of screen time, and they don't a lot of good parenting skills. PEP classes should be mandatory.

My brother and SIL are like this. According to my brother, his wife and her family believe children shouldn't be disciplined! She recently got angry at my brother for scolding one of their kids in public who was doing something really disruptive to others. My brother acts like he's baffled at the whole no-discipline approach but he doesn't really do much disciplining of his own, so he can't really blame it all on his wife. I really care about them and enjoy spending time with them but I cannot wrap my head around their parenting style, which of course is none of my business.

Anonymous wrote:This probably won’t be a popular statement, but I think when kids spend a lot of time in daycare, some parents literally don’t spend enough time with their kids to become experienced disciplining them. It’s a skill that can take some time to master.

I actually agree with this. Not daycare specifically, but the general exhaustion of two working parents, and the lack of role models. I’ll never forget the time I watched a young mom discipline her kid on a Hill playground - I’m assuming she was military and Southern due to her accent and different parenting style. She did NOT stand for her DS bothering his sister and gave him a swift time-out. SO different from the typical Hill parent: “Larla sweetie, please stop. Larla honey; we will have to leave the park! Larla!”

This isn’t to say that dads have any corner on the discipline market though.

Anonymous wrote:My mom (a boomer) thinks that it's because so many of the parents are medicated. She says she thinks they're all on Prozac the way they stand there and just watch their kids fight, destroy property and scream. I have wondered how parents can stand it.

Authoritative discipline is HARD. It is the absolute hardest. You have to be consistent and positive. It's much easier to do absolutely nothing or to just beat their asses.

Ha. That’s a possibility. But yes - the answer is because discipline is hard. I know a mom who allows some really bad behavior (think - routinely leaving marks) and I think she just does not have the capacity to set limits in an organized way. It is hard to watch but at the end of the day, I can’t assume that my way is better.

This probably won’t be a popular statement, but I think when kids spend a lot of time in daycare, some parents literally don’t spend enough time with their kids to become experienced disciplining them. It’s a skill that can take some time to master.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't doubt such people exist, but I've never seen it in real life. Usually there are always consequences - some may not be what I would choose to do, but they exist.

Oh I have seen it. Kid threw a tiny rock at other kid's head. Mom was comforting other kid and said nothing to hers because he claimed he never meant to do it.

I have so many examples of this particular kid.

His mom is the sweetest woman. I don't know if this is some approach they advise her in therapy or what. He is a seemingly normal kid but you never know if he is going through something.

I walked away very quickly before I said something. Other kid's parent was just standing there shocked. And we all know he meant to throw the rock at his friends head.

NP here. Same! I have seen this type of thing, and it was so bizarre. The mom swooped up the offender, as if THEY were they one with their eye almost taken out by the object thrown at their face, point blank. Kid was absolutely old enough to know better, I just think they get away with it very often. I think some parents who ignore everything have mental issues, OP. Agree with other PP that a good number of these offenders keep pushing the limits, for the worse.

Consider the possibility that the mother may have scooped up the child, so they wouldn’t keep throwing rocks?

Children have to learn how to regulate their emotions and work out their feelings in a healthy way - it is not innate! Parents who allow one kid to beat on another kid and call it ‘sibling rivalry’ or ‘roughhousing’ are really just either lazy parents or parents who favor one child over another child (or children) so much that they are willing to condone the abuse of some of their children to stroke the ego of a golden child.

Either way you cut it, it’s disgusting to let your kids violently assault anyone.