I found out my father was cheating when l was 21 (l saw him kissing the other woman in our house, she was a “friend” of the family). I never got over it, l cut him off emotionally although after a while l kept a “polite” relationship with him; he was as dead to me.
I mean the person l thought he was had never existed so it cast a dark shadow backwards to the entirety of my life with him as his child. Everything was fake.

They told me l would regret it when he died but when he did die suddenly, all l felt was relief that the material reality now matched the emotional reality.

Does he seem very remorseful?

Also in 10 years maybe this couple has new issues. You just don’t know and can’t count on the person. You can try to stay and work it out and that’s probably what I’d recommend but even with that choice it’s highly likely that in the future new issues will pop up that will test this relationship further. Both internal and maybe external as well especially with a cheater. The longer you can stay married if you can get some respect from the spouse the better.

Anonymous wrote:So many people respond to these types of posts with these definitive answers as to what they would do in the situation - divorce, of course! Most of them think they know what they’d do, but life is complicated. Check back with us in ten years, and tell us your marriage was perfect - half of you shaming this woman will either be divorced or cheated on. I’d take my chance with a truly remorseful spouse who loves me and treats me well over being a lonely 50 year old

Agree. Most cheaters don’t love their spouses or learn how to stop or treat their spouse well. They just make up new excuses and keep doing what they are doing so it’s a continuous hurt loop. And then they want to justify their behavior so you become the bad guy for random issues. After six months you just don’t know yet. After 2 years you know.

I think not being able to get over it is way more normal than getting over it.

Your kids are pretty much grown, you probably should leave. Your kid's instincts are good, he's a home wrecker, they would probably have more respect for you if you leave.

PP here - sent before I finished

Was going to finish with “ just to prove I could leave. I’d just take a hard look at if my life would actually end up better in the end.”

So many people respond to these types of posts with these definitive answers as to what they would do in the situation - divorce, of course! Most of them think they know what they’d do, but life is complicated. Check back with us in ten years, and tell us your marriage was perfect - half of you shaming this woman will either be divorced or cheated on. I’d take my chance with a truly remorseful spouse who loves me and treats me well over being a lonely 50 year old

The responses on here would be soooo different if the sexes were reversed.

How did the kids find out? Perhaps that has something to do with how they are reacting.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP.

If it happened to your daughter, would you tell her to stick around and make it work with the person who cheated on her? Do you want her to have any self-respect?

I found out my dad was cheating on my mom around the same age. The affair started when I was eight. So a long term thing.

It sucked, but it didn’t totally derail me. I think your kids need therapy. It seems the issues they are having may go deeper than this affair.

My husband cheated on me by texting with multiple women not once but twice caught. The most recent incident was 2 years ago, first incident was 8 years ago. I never have gotten over it. I think about it often. He broke the marriage then and not sure why I stay other than inertia and fear of being alone, yes pathetic I know! It’s not something most women can just move on from, it is the deepest betrayal. Some continue on in spite of it and some leave.

Anonymous wrote:I’m in counseling, he’s in counseling, we are in counseling. Everyone is doing all the “right” things but I just don’t know if I can do it.

My son who is 20 knows and has been a mess over it (depressed, angry)

My daughter who is a senior in high school fell apart after discovering this spring causing her grades to tank and impacting her college choices. I’m so angry about all of it but lately especially about the impact on my kids.

They found out but we did not tell them . I was hoping to spare them if at all possible.

And…? What you you want from DCUM’s?

Do you actually think this was the first/only time he cheated?

Do you not work or something?

Have some dignity and leave.