These apps and social media have been shown to be harmful to young teens, especially girls. It’s crazy how some parents can’t draw a line even when their child has lied about them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m really at a loss, bc I want to knee jerk and take it away for a year but I know I can’t do that. It’s so connected to her friends and that is so important to her. In the past, especially when DH hands down punishment, she takes it pretty well. She knows she screwed up, she’s sorry, she cries and we move on. This feels different.

So I’m a believer in helping kids, especially middle schoolers, learn to navigate social media platform since they are going to need these skills as they age. Your instinct is spot on — this is how they socialize & connect with friends. More so than texts.

What we did when we found out our then seventh grader had found illicit ways of using platforms, that we weren’t ready for her to have, is we gave her a pathway of earning it. I think we did also issue a minor punishment for lying etc, but we did do while talking about our strategy for allowing moderated use in the future.

It was through a mix of school benchmarks, increased responsibilities and chores as well as sitting through several lectures and videos about being careful to avoid anyone she didn’t really know or weird, creepy people/things. We also spent a lot of time talking to her about not engaging or even being a passing observer of mean and bullying behavior.

And it came with understanding that parents would be “friends” with her on these platforms and also allowed to make unannounced checks of her account use of these platforms.

It’s not perfect. But she rose to the occasion and is learning to make good choices.

My kids are younger but I like this approach in theory.
I like that posters suggest getting the apps yourself to know them.

Dumb question, if kids are mostly using Snapchat to text, why not just text?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m really at a loss, bc I want to knee jerk and take it away for a year but I know I can’t do that. It’s so connected to her friends and that is so important to her. In the past, especially when DH hands down punishment, she takes it pretty well. She knows she screwed up, she’s sorry, she cries and we move on. This feels different.

So I’m a believer in helping kids, especially middle schoolers, learn to navigate social media platform since they are going to need these skills as they age. Your instinct is spot on — this is how they socialize & connect with friends. More so than texts.

What we did when we found out our then seventh grader had found illicit ways of using platforms, that we weren’t ready for her to have, is we gave her a pathway of earning it. I think we did also issue a minor punishment for lying etc, but we did do while talking about our strategy for allowing moderated use in the future.

It was through a mix of school benchmarks, increased responsibilities and chores as well as sitting through several lectures and videos about being careful to avoid anyone she didn’t really know or weird, creepy people/things. We also spent a lot of time talking to her about not engaging or even being a passing observer of mean and bullying behavior.

And it came with understanding that parents would be “friends” with her on these platforms and also allowed to make unannounced checks of her account use of these platforms.

It’s not perfect. But she rose to the occasion and is learning to make good choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, DH wants to take away all her devices for a month. I think that’s too severe and she will go nuts (maybe that’s why; the screaming will be epic).

So what? She's lied to you twice. Time for some serious consequences.

And the more she screams the more time gets added to the no devices restriction. Take control of this now. You're in charge.

This. This is the correct way to address this situation.

My kid doesn't have snapchat and they are going into 9th grade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, DH wants to take away all her devices for a month. I think that’s too severe and she will go nuts (maybe that’s why; the screaming will be epic).

So what? She's lied to you twice. Time for some serious consequences.

And the more she screams the more time gets added to the no devices restriction. Take control of this now. You're in charge.

Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask her questions that you know the answer to (Don't ask her if she has snapchat when she isn't supposed to and don't ask her why). Don't ask her questions you don't know the answer to.

You know that she has broken the rules and you know why, because it's enticing. Monitor the screen time more diligently and put devices away when screen time is finished.

Or throw the ipad out the window - I want to do that a lot of times. Why did we get it in the first place? Ugh.

Put her in a position to lie? The lying is on the DD. She needs to learn to tell the truth even when she's not caught.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No devices for her except for those required by school for six months at least with a long talk about lying. She has no need for devices at 12 and has demonstrated very poor decision making and breached your trust.

I'm curious how old your kid is. This is what I would have said before my kid was a teen.

I wouldn't frame it as really poor decision making. It's 12-year old brain decision making. She wants to be able to talk to her friends and be included and when you the trusted adult who she loves and values won't let her, she/he goes around you and lies so she can keep the relationship with the adult who she loves and values.

I thought I would be one of these draconian no to all the things parents. One person's opinion. From what I see, it doesn't work in the end or if it does work the cost to your long-term relationship with the child is very high. It alienates you from your child.

I’m the PP who said to take devices away for six months. My kids are 21, 18 and 15. OP is in for a world of problems if she can’t enforce consequences on a 7th grader who lied to her and is unwilling to set social media limits on a 12 yo. This is a bad path.

Put qustodio on her devices and block the app. I wouldn't do anything else in response to the lying except to let her know that I was aware of it.

Having Snapchat isn’t an issue, IMO. But “screaming” about it is alarming! Is she highly emotional? Stubborn? Reactive? I would tread carefully with social media.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I won't comment on the appropriate consequences, just that it is easier to monitor their social media use when they are in middle school than it is in high school. I took the opportunity in middle school to teach my kid the appropriate way to use social media, monitor it, discuss it, fix it. So when you decide she can have social media, it's best to help them learn about appropriate use and the consequences. Bullying, group chat bullying, inappropriate sexual advances, pressure to do nudes, etc. Also, the pressure to get likes and views is pretty significant.

It's also important to know that once they get social media, they often create alt accounts hoping their parents don't find those. But they tend to follow their own alt accounts.

Good luck. It's an intensive parenting time, unfortunately.

Alt accounts aren’t really about parents. They’re so you have a smaller group of friends following you. It’s more about your peers.

This is easy. Youvtake away tech access. No phone, iPad, etc. Easy. Done. No child that age needs it anyway.

Anonymous wrote:OP again, DH wants to take away all her devices for a month. I think that’s too severe and she will go nuts (maybe that’s why; the screaming will be epic).

So what? She's lied to you twice. Time for some serious consequences.

At some point they are going to have it. We fought it for a long time…DC is 16 now & has it.
Snapchat is the #1 platform in use. For the people asking - yes, DC’s sports teams use it, that’s how they communicate changes in schedule, if coach is running late, etc.
DC’s job uses it - the boss posts the schedule to the group every wk. DC was the odd one out for a long time, where a coworker had to text them a pic of the schedule.
Put it off if you want to, we did. But know that it is the primary form of communication, so your kid will miss out on some things (& obviously be very motivated to sneak it). When you do decide to allow it, talk to them about how it is not safe - yes, they will see if someone saves a photo or takes a screen shot. But let them know there are many other ways around this - a person can 1/2 swipe & take a screen shot & you won’t know. Someone can take a photo with another device & you won’t know. You can get hacked.
Just keep them aware of the risks & let them have it when you think they get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for this, PP. it’s really helpful. Dumb question bc I really don’t know how it works (it ofc started with the funny face filters)—can I go back and have her show me any messages? I did not realize it did texts; I thought it was all disappearing pictures.

Honestly, I don’t know exactly what it does and doesn’t do. This is why I had my older son lead the conversation because he was the one who originally talked me down. According to my son, they use it for text, FaceTime, voice calls and photos. I just asked him. They don’t all delete because they were showing me some of them they both sent and received. I also thought it was only photos that immediately disappeared.

You can set it to save texts or not. The user.

Parents, you really need to get in to Snapchat and use it yourself if allowing a kid to be on it. No, no one feels like doing this. Just in the beginning so you can understand how it works. Also, as a condition of having it tell them you need to be on any stories. When they post a story, you'll see it. Check periodically to make srue they have no stories going you're not on.