Anonymous
Post 08/17/2023 21:10     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's desperately wanting your undivided attention and, from his perspective, he's nit getting any from you or at least not a lot.

So, negative attention (time outs, getting reprimanded) is better than no attention at all (in his little mind).

Try some consistent 1:1 play (no phone, no sneaking in a glance at dcum, no trying to do a chore while playing) with him for a good chunk of time.


Look. I want to blame myself for this too. But the reality is I’m a SAHM. They get quality 1:1 time with me A LOT. Am I perfect about my phone? Of course not. I am pretty F-ing good though. If my kid doesn’t get enough 1:1 attention, I don’t think it’s possible.


Is he in preschool or equivalent activities to keep him busy and not king of the world? If not, there is your problem.


Yes!!

Seriously, some of the parent-bashing is pathological around here.


DP, but chill out. It was a question. Little boys with SAHMs who are the center of their world and get tons of attention (as stated in the OP) are sometimes prone to this, so they asked the question.

You are in for a long haul in life if you think that was “pathological parent-bashing.” Lighten up.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2023 20:51     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Ignore bad behavior
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2023 21:02     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Turn your thinking around and reinforce positive behavior. Get a positive behavior chart and stop reacting to bad behavior.

Hmm I just read what the behavior its probably potty training related. Sounds awful, but just don't react and it will get boring for your child quick. When the pee goes in the potty start praising and get out the rewards
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 20:28     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
My then 33 month old peed on the floor even with pants off at least a dozen times. I think it was some form of regression combined with his attention being absorbed by other things. I didn't treat it as a deliberate event, though. I didn't punish, just picked him up mid-stream sometimes and put him on the potty. I would tell him to stop peeing on the floor. And at some point, it just stopped. He's 37 months now and hasn't had an accident like that in months.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 19:38     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
3 year olds do not have the mental ability for remorse


quote=Anonymous]What do I do about my maniacal three year old who cackles with glee when I get mad and doesn’t care at all about time outs? I’m honestly at a loss to come up with consequences this kid cares about. I feel like 1-2-3 magic, everything I’ve read depends on the kid caring that they’re in trouble, or that something has been taken away?
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 19:24     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Yes, I wonder too if it was just the one time. 3 year olds do some crazy things OP. One of mine went in the bathroom while I was nursing the baby, took out my (new) pads, peeled the backs and arranged them all over the bathroom! She said they were 'art' lol. BTW this child grew up to be a lovely and artistic young woman who has a good job!

I might say something like (if it happens again)' oh Larlo, when you peepee on the floor that means you must be too tired to use the potty like a big boy. You're going to have to lay down in your bed for awhile to get some rest'. That makes it a negative experience for him, but yet you're not angry or yelling at him.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 18:53     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Is this the first time he’s done something like this? Did he pee on his clothes or just on the floor?
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 18:42     Subject: Re:3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sigh. Yeah. In the end we cleaned it up together and did a time out so I could calm down. I was pretty upset. What I hate most is I kind of feel like my mood was the consequence, but isn’t that kind of a natural consequence? I explained that I love them but pee on the floor on purpose really upsets me because I love our house and it’s hard to clean up. I think they get it but just don’t really care if I’m upset.

I decided that next time, the consequence is the rugs have to go away for cleaning.

The handholding/baby thing sounds good but it also sounds like mostly a punishment for me if you know what I’m saying.


Handholding PP here. Yeah it’s very much a pain for the adult but fortunately it works pretty quickly to get my kid to start listening again. But it doesn’t have to be that specifically. It can be things like: every time you need to go to the bathroom or need to do anything that prevents you from watching them they have to stop playing and wait somewhere pee can’t damage the floor (eg crib, another bathroom, etc). Explain that this is why and make the area child safe but also somewhere they can’t get out of on their own. After they get fed up with this explain that if they promise to only pee in the potty and never on the floor you’ll let them play unsupervised again. Assuming they do okay with that, praise! I think for me the key is to (a) physically prevent the behavior (the handholding came up when my kid wasn’t listening to verbal requests to come back when we were out walking for example), (b) tie the behavior to a somewhat dull/annoying experience, and (c) create a situation that allows copious praise of not doing the behavior.



Thank you, this makes a lot of sense.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 18:33     Subject: Re:3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:Sigh. Yeah. In the end we cleaned it up together and did a time out so I could calm down. I was pretty upset. What I hate most is I kind of feel like my mood was the consequence, but isn’t that kind of a natural consequence? I explained that I love them but pee on the floor on purpose really upsets me because I love our house and it’s hard to clean up. I think they get it but just don’t really care if I’m upset.

I decided that next time, the consequence is the rugs have to go away for cleaning.

The handholding/baby thing sounds good but it also sounds like mostly a punishment for me if you know what I’m saying.


Handholding PP here. Yeah it’s very much a pain for the adult but fortunately it works pretty quickly to get my kid to start listening again. But it doesn’t have to be that specifically. It can be things like: every time you need to go to the bathroom or need to do anything that prevents you from watching them they have to stop playing and wait somewhere pee can’t damage the floor (eg crib, another bathroom, etc). Explain that this is why and make the area child safe but also somewhere they can’t get out of on their own. After they get fed up with this explain that if they promise to only pee in the potty and never on the floor you’ll let them play unsupervised again. Assuming they do okay with that, praise! I think for me the key is to (a) physically prevent the behavior (the handholding came up when my kid wasn’t listening to verbal requests to come back when we were out walking for example), (b) tie the behavior to a somewhat dull/annoying experience, and (c) create a situation that allows copious praise of not doing the behavior.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 18:10     Subject: Re:3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:First of all, just validating you OP - this is incredibly frustrating and it would make me furious. If it happened once, I'd say make the kid clean it up, talk to them, and call it a day. Repeat offenses call for a new tactic, though. I think PP is right on with examining WHY it makes you furious, but calibrate consequences from that. For me, it would make me really mad because it's my house/carpet/floor and peeing on it is disrespectful; it's a way of purposely damaging my property. I would want to try to make the kid understand that. First I'd ask how they would feel if I took one of their prized stuffies and got it dirty or cut its hair or something, and I'd say that is how it feels to me when the kid pees on the floor. Next offense - stuffie is taken for some amount of time (couple days, maybe). Start tying the disrespect of your property to the disrespect/removal of their property.


This is an interesting one and it makes sense, although I don’t really think I want to get into “an eye for an eye” stuff, do I? If it was wrong when they did it is it not wrong if I do it just because I’m punishing them? Like I don’t hit them if they hit me, right? Otoh I am the King of the stuffed animals and toys, obviously. I’m not opposed to taking them away as a consequence.

I suppose it would be bad if I, say, peed on or cut up a toy. Taking it away is different. But then is it even a natural consequence?
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 18:07     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's desperately wanting your undivided attention and, from his perspective, he's nit getting any from you or at least not a lot.

So, negative attention (time outs, getting reprimanded) is better than no attention at all (in his little mind).

Try some consistent 1:1 play (no phone, no sneaking in a glance at dcum, no trying to do a chore while playing) with him for a good chunk of time.


Look. I want to blame myself for this too. But the reality is I’m a SAHM. They get quality 1:1 time with me A LOT. Am I perfect about my phone? Of course not. I am pretty F-ing good though. If my kid doesn’t get enough 1:1 attention, I don’t think it’s possible.


Is he in preschool or equivalent activities to keep him busy and not king of the world? If not, there is your problem.


Yes!!

Seriously, some of the parent-bashing is pathological around here.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 17:47     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's desperately wanting your undivided attention and, from his perspective, he's nit getting any from you or at least not a lot.

So, negative attention (time outs, getting reprimanded) is better than no attention at all (in his little mind).

Try some consistent 1:1 play (no phone, no sneaking in a glance at dcum, no trying to do a chore while playing) with him for a good chunk of time.


Look. I want to blame myself for this too. But the reality is I’m a SAHM. They get quality 1:1 time with me A LOT. Am I perfect about my phone? Of course not. I am pretty F-ing good though. If my kid doesn’t get enough 1:1 attention, I don’t think it’s possible.


Is he in preschool or equivalent activities to keep him busy and not king of the world? If not, there is your problem.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 17:15     Subject: Re:3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
First of all, just validating you OP - this is incredibly frustrating and it would make me furious. If it happened once, I'd say make the kid clean it up, talk to them, and call it a day. Repeat offenses call for a new tactic, though. I think PP is right on with examining WHY it makes you furious, but calibrate consequences from that. For me, it would make me really mad because it's my house/carpet/floor and peeing on it is disrespectful; it's a way of purposely damaging my property. I would want to try to make the kid understand that. First I'd ask how they would feel if I took one of their prized stuffies and got it dirty or cut its hair or something, and I'd say that is how it feels to me when the kid pees on the floor. Next offense - stuffie is taken for some amount of time (couple days, maybe). Start tying the disrespect of your property to the disrespect/removal of their property.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 17:12     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP what do they like doing most? Least? In what context are they peeing on the floor? When you’re trying to go out? When they don’t want to stop playing? How often does it happen.

My advice for the situation depends a bit on kid interests and personality and details; I don’t think there’s a silver bullet that will work with every child/situation.


What happened in this situation is that I closed the door so I could change my tampon alone and my child, who genuinely gets a LOT of one on one time, was mildly annoyed and peed on the floor so they could cackle at their own cleverness.


Do you still have diapers? Tell him he needs to go go potty or have a diaper.


Yeah, I’m not doing that because potty training was a struggle and there is a non zero chance my child will say “OKAY!”


I think that if he keeps peeing on the floor that’s really the only option you have. I understand you don’t want to go back to dealing with diapers but it’s a lot better than cleaning up pee on the floor. Why punish yourself?
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2023 16:58     Subject: 3 year old doesn’t care about being in trouble
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Read No Bad Kids. You need to change how you think about this and it requires you to understand where your kid is developmentally. In short, being in trouble does nothing to help them learn to do better - and learning to do better should be your real goal.

+1 for No Bad Kids. Absolute game changer for this age.


Yes, I am a responsible elder millennial parent and I have read No Bad Kids, a few times!!

The scenario is peeing on the floor on purpose. They do it to push my buttons, and they love cleaning it up.


Throw away your buttons.
They'll get bored of pushing nothing.


So if they don’t mind cleaning up, then just have them do that! Every time! They will get bored eventually. And yeah, don’t react. Sounds like a re-read is in order :-)


I guess I feel like not expressing that I’m unhappy when there’s pee on the floor (not because of an accident, obviously) feels like psychopathy and like giving my kid a very warped view of myself. This isn’t like spilled cereal or thrown eggs. It seeps into the floor boards. I can wash the rug but not the rug pad. It would be insane for me to NOT be upset, wouldn’t it? “Unruffled,” sure! I’m still in control, I’m still a safe space, blah blah. But I’m obviously mad!


You’re allowed to be mad but your original question was about making the child care that you’re mad. You can’t. It’s not developmentally appropriate. You can either approach that reality from a punitive way or a connection seeking way. They will still do crazy stuff. Ultimately if there is a recurring trouble area you can only take mitigations (like a floor covering) to decrease the impact until the kid matures a bit.