Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:47     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
This really only is an option if you marry a man with ambition and ability to make significant money. I married an Ivy grad with a legal degree, but we were idealists when we met and I encouraged him to go into environmental law and now has a GS job at the EPA.

I mean it’s fine to date with a view for a successful man, but I never thought to look for a man who would allow me to never work again. My whole family everyone works, we were lower middle class so that’s just the expectation so we could have enough. The idea of choosing to not work, to factor money so strongly in relationships, completely foreign

I’m conflicted for my daughters. I want them to focus on careers they love, but also to think about how to find a man who can give them a SAHM option, but it seems so crass, so “it’s as easy to love a rich man as a poor man” tacky.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:45     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I remember being in preschool and my mom went back to school. She left us just a few days a week but it was very upsetting to me. My siblings didn’t mind but I still clearly remember the feeling of waiting for her to return and being afraid to ask for what I needed (and this was with very nice in-home caregivers). Later when I was in elementary school and she was working, I remember wishing she could volunteer at school like the other moms (70s so it was common) and attend events at school. Those memories shaped my desire to be a SAHM. I loved being a SAHM but now that I’m older I regret staying home so long because I feel like too much of my identity is tied up in my kids. My mom actually made the smarter decision.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:38     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m the husband. My spouse and I got married decades ago and pretty young and pregnant. getting pregnant. We went off to grad school together with a baby in tow. I got a law degree and she sought a graduate degree in another field at the same school.

I was working full time locally the summer after my first year of law school and she was a full time summer student trying to
accelerate her graduation. We found a small, family run and very convenient day care for our oldest, who wasn’t quite two.

One day while bathing her she pointed to her private area and said something that caused me concern that she might have been molested in day care. I told my wife and she shared my concern. We went to the police and they, too, shared our concern but ultimately didn’t think they had nearly enough to prosecute. Again, this was decades ago and things were different.

In the meantime, we told the university and they immediately made room for our daughter in a preschool affiliated with them that had
had no openings and was more expensive but they helped us on both fronts for which we were very grateful.

My spouse finished her program and graduated a year before I finished law school. Knowing even before graduation that there would be no worthwhile job opportunities in the area for her after graduating, we decided to have another baby. She stayed home with that one and our oldest. Then I graduated and got a job with Biglaw and started making real money right away. We decided together that it didn’t make sense that we both work and put the kids in day care when I was already making a lot of money (clearly more than she could have made then) and we were frankly traumatized by our prior day care experience. In the end, she never did work outside the home and we had more kids.

We will never know what, if anything, really happened. But we’re not alarmists or crazy or anything. We remained convinced that something did. So the bottom line is that that experience and my high income together made the decision that she would stay home for us. It was never the plan before that.

I'm sorry your family went through that experience. I completely see why it would affect your choices moving ahead.


Op here. +1. That’s a parent’s worse nightmare.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:33     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a bread-winning mom and had to attend daycare more than 40 hours a week since infancy. My mom could never come to elementary classes parties or chaperone field trips. I was so jealous of classmates who had their moms pick them up from school, while I had to attend aftercare. And mor often than not, the daycare ladies were disengaged and mean.

I never wanted that for my kids, and always knew I’d only be a mom if I could stay at home with them when they were young.


Curious on whether you and your mom have ever discussed this and her reaction?


We’ve discussed a little. My dad was very caring but never could hold a job, and she was bored to tears the few months she tried to stay home after my oldest sibling was born. She was involved in our childhoods, which were great in most ways, but the reality was with two working parents we spent our early years in daycares. It’s just not the same as your own mother, or family, caring for you. I know my mom did what was right for herself and her family, but I just wanted a different way.

My DH had a SAHM who went back to teaching when he was in middle school, so he was always supportive of me being home with our young kids.


I’m surprised you remember all this. I’ve brought up the daycare (and later preschool) my DS attended from 1-4 (and then he was at home b/c of COVID shut downs at age 4). He’s 8 now and seems to have no memory of any of it and in fact barely even remembers virtual kindergarten. Maybe it has to do with how long the hours are? Or maybe my kid has a terrible memory (to be fair he can barely remember what he ate the day before).
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:30     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Inspired by the maybe troll who wants to be a sah and “submit” to a DH, I’m just really curious — specifically for those who knew as younger women (could say under 28 but maybe more broadly whenever you were in the dating phase), how DID you know you wanted to be a SAHM? Did you grow up with a SAHM? Or you had two working parents that were really stressed?

I’m in my mid thirties, with two kids under 5, and only realized this past year that having two working parents is insanely tiring and stressful. This is also the year that we transitioned from having a full time nanny to having both kids in daycare/preschool full day. I want to be a SAHM now! Or reduce to part time. How did it take me so long to figure this out when others knew much earlier and even before kids?


I think its better not to begin with an ambition to become a SAHM or worker bee mom but being open to every idea which works well for you, your spouse and your children as a family. Also don't set anything stone, you can try A and B and C and then switch back to A or decide C was a better fit for our family.


this, this, this! I'm a professional with a graduate degree. Never thought I'd stay home but had kid # 1 and just couldn't go back FT. Was lucky enough I didn't have to. Tried to negotiate part time with employers, didn't work out, quit. Then worked PT at a different job for a while until kid #2 changed the equation. Stayed home for several years but increasingly got heavy into volunteer work as kids grew, then parlayed that back into a job path. So now working again that kids are older but on a flex schedule and it's busy but great.

Do what works for you at the time and adjust as needed. It's not forever.

Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:25     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
OP finally back after the kids are in bed. So many interesting posts and perspectives.

My mom worked, but she was usually home by 4, and never brought work home with her (medical field). I work, mostly from home, but more hours than she did — usually 45-50 hours solid hours of work. One pro is that I do have the flexibility to show up to mid day school events as long as it’s not too frequent and I know in advance to block off my calendar.

I’ll admit that in my twenties, I would have been internally judgmental of women who planned to be SAHMs. I was academically very high achieving. I also married a man (raised by two working parents but with lots of grandparent support) who in his twenties when we first met probably would not been too keen on dating someone who wanted to be a SAHM. But now, I don’t think he’d have a problem with me dialing back at work if it made me happy. And he is very supportive and actually does 50% of the housework/childcare already. We have both learned that taking care of kids is truly a full time job in itself and you can’t have it all, whether you’re a man or a woman. Something has to give.

The only issue now is financial. DH and I are basically equal in both current salary and future earning potential, so it would be a substantial cut to our finances. And unfortunately in my field, going part time is very rare, but a girl can dream. I think the most likely scenario is that we will just try to outsource more.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:23     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
The majority, really every person I know who is a sahm did not intend to sahm before having kids. Life changes
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:23     Subject: Re:S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a SAHM but I think she was lonely and happier when she went back to work when I was in HS. My inclination to be a SAHM for the early years came from spending my 20s seeing how miserable coworkers with babies seemed to be, never having enough time, running from work to daycare, one who often called her DH to ask him to try to keep the baby awake so she could see him when she got home. That just didn't look like how I wanted to spend those years.

So, I stayed home, thinking it would be 3ish years. From my mom's cautionary tale, I put a lot of effort into building a strong social life plus continued to do freelance work so I stayed connected to my career. Ended up loving that phase of life and was home seven years before going back to FT work with no problem.


Similar experience, except I was a nanny in my early 20s. I had a ton of jobs and almost all of the moms were miserable. Some of the husbands would even apologize the mom didn't clean up even though they both worked full-time! I have concluded that being a mom sucks unless you have a lot of paid help. Stay at home mom, part-time mom, full-time mom. I have tired all.


What's wrong with part time mom? In my view, that's really the best of both worlds.


Because you are expected to do everything a SAHM does at home, and you are kind of a scut monkey and never really respected at work.

Or at least that’s been my experience.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 21:15     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:I’m the husband. My spouse and I got married decades ago and pretty young and pregnant. getting pregnant. We went off to grad school together with a baby in tow. I got a law degree and she sought a graduate degree in another field at the same school.

I was working full time locally the summer after my first year of law school and she was a full time summer student trying to
accelerate her graduation. We found a small, family run and very convenient day care for our oldest, who wasn’t quite two.

One day while bathing her she pointed to her private area and said something that caused me concern that she might have been molested in day care. I told my wife and she shared my concern. We went to the police and they, too, shared our concern but ultimately didn’t think they had nearly enough to prosecute. Again, this was decades ago and things were different.

In the meantime, we told the university and they immediately made room for our daughter in a preschool affiliated with them that had
had no openings and was more expensive but they helped us on both fronts for which we were very grateful.

My spouse finished her program and graduated a year before I finished law school. Knowing even before graduation that there would be no worthwhile job opportunities in the area for her after graduating, we decided to have another baby. She stayed home with that one and our oldest. Then I graduated and got a job with Biglaw and started making real money right away. We decided together that it didn’t make sense that we both work and put the kids in day care when I was already making a lot of money (clearly more than she could have made then) and we were frankly traumatized by our prior day care experience. In the end, she never did work outside the home and we had more kids.

We will never know what, if anything, really happened. But we’re not alarmists or crazy or anything. We remained convinced that something did. So the bottom line is that that experience and my high income together made the decision that she would stay home for us. It was never the plan before that.

I'm sorry your family went through that experience. I completely see why it would affect your choices moving ahead.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 20:35     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a SAHM and it just seemed like fun and low stress.

Unfortunately after about 5 years I to it myself, I got bored and felt unstimulated. Husband didn't respect me anymore. It was very challenging to find a job to hire me. I finally did find something way below my market value but even after several years back, it's still challenging to apply for more senior roles despite stellar performance reviews and solid references. It's like I can't escape the black hole on my resume.


After several years the 5 year gap still comes up? Wow. Maybe a recruiter or professional resume builder could help you. My mom went back to finish her degree at 44 with a 20 year gap (!) and she has done really well professionally!


wow congrats to her! I'm sure it was even harder back then compared to now.
Do you mind sharing what kind of degree it was?
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 20:28     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
A neighbor did this as her husband climbed the big 5 accounting firm ladder. 14 years later and she still does nothing and he's successful. She never had a job out of college. Her Mom was a SAHM and that's what they agreed on when they got married.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 20:25     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:I had a SAHM and it just seemed like fun and low stress.

Unfortunately after about 5 years I to it myself, I got bored and felt unstimulated. Husband didn't respect me anymore. It was very challenging to find a job to hire me. I finally did find something way below my market value but even after several years back, it's still challenging to apply for more senior roles despite stellar performance reviews and solid references. It's like I can't escape the black hole on my resume.


After several years the 5 year gap still comes up? Wow. Maybe a recruiter or professional resume builder could help you. My mom went back to finish her degree at 44 with a 20 year gap (!) and she has done really well professionally!
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 20:18     Subject: Re:S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I knew I wanted to stay at home, and discussed it with my now husband when we were dating, but always knew it would be a long shot financially. Years later with kids, I do still work because it’s in our family’s best financial interest.

How did I know? My mom stayed home with me and my siblings and went back to work when we were in school full time. We had a great upbringing. I wanted that experience for my kids and for myself as a mother. I’m still sad it didn’t happen, but it is what it is.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 20:14     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a bread-winning mom and had to attend daycare more than 40 hours a week since infancy. My mom could never come to elementary classes parties or chaperone field trips. I was so jealous of classmates who had their moms pick them up from school, while I had to attend aftercare. And mor often than not, the daycare ladies were disengaged and mean.

I never wanted that for my kids, and always knew I’d only be a mom if I could stay at home with them when they were young.


Curious on whether you and your mom have ever discussed this and her reaction?


We’ve discussed a little. My dad was very caring but never could hold a job, and she was bored to tears the few months she tried to stay home after my oldest sibling was born. She was involved in our childhoods, which were great in most ways, but the reality was with two working parents we spent our early years in daycares. It’s just not the same as your own mother, or family, caring for you. I know my mom did what was right for herself and her family, but I just wanted a different way.

My DH had a SAHM who went back to teaching when he was in middle school, so he was always supportive of me being home with our young kids.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2023 20:11     Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I think some women just know themselves really well and don't pretend to be something else to please others or society.

I have always known I don't want to be a SAhM.

My sister on the other hand knew she wanted to be at home at least until the kids were 3.

I also think there are women who don't know either way until they are a mom